Tuesday Tidbits July Fourth Edition
Tuesday Tidbits
7/4/06
The special 4th of July Issue
In honor of our country’s 230th birthday of declaring its independence, I thought I would take this opportunity for doing a Tuesday Tidbits, circa 1776.
International News
King George Declares a Tax on Just About Everything
In an effort to fund his expanding empire, the ever efficient King George declared more taxes would be administered around the world.
“We bloody conquered them so they can bloody well pay for their conquering. Do they think it comes free? No, conquering them cost money and last I looked, there weren’t any bloody pounds growing on trees, no were there? So tax the bloody ‘ell out of ‘em.”
When questioned why he would tax the colonies, which are made up of primarily British subjects, King “Tax “em Til They Bloody Well Scream” George replied, “If the fools are daft enough to leave the no tax zone of England and move over to the taxed territories, then they can’t bloody well complain, can they? Now excuse me, I have to go to the loo.”
One of the suspected taxes will be an increased tariff tax on tea, a move many consider a deal breaker with the colonies. King George emphatically stated as he bellowed from the chamber pot closet, “They should be happy we don’t tax them for the air they are breathing! Now where is the bloody chamber pot paper?”
“We didn’t get any sire as the taxes on chamber pot paper have gone up again this week.”
“You bloody sniveling little idiotic twit, we don’t tax ourselves, we tax everybody else! Now go and get me some paper now!” Already letters of discontent have been arriving from the colonies which is fortunate for the King, as he has used them for chamber business…
National News
Boston Bets Big Brew Brings Big Bang
Some local citizens are planning on a setting the new world’s record for the biggest brew of tea by tossing a few hundred bales of tea into the harbor. Billy Jim Bob Bohanan, formally of London, has decided it was time to send a message to King George by mixing up a batch of Old World tea.
“We can tolerate a bit of a tax on some items but not on tea. The sissy boy of England has crossed the line with this latest tax. Heaven knows it was bad enough when he taxed our tallow intake for making candles but you know we were okay. A few hours more in the dark with the missus wasn’t such a bad deal but it did bring about a few more Billy Jim Bob Jrs., but good grief…why did he mess around with our tea? Doesn’t he know the missus has to have her morning tea? If she doesn’t get it then the missus is a bit grumpy which means all those no tallow nights are pretty much a wash. You take away that and boy, you better be ready to rumble.”
His neighbor, Francis Butterman, seller of pink frilly shirts, has warned this display of defiance will cost the town on Boston. “Land thaketh. We don’t need any Britith brutth coming over here and beating uth about the earsth becauth that bully Billy Jim Bob Bohanan hath thet the tea into the harbor! My Tory boyth will tell on him, we will. Juth try it and thee if we won’t.”
Billy Jim Bob Bohanan has decided to make it into a fun event too. “We are asking everyone to dress up as a savage and join us down at the harbor. We will be making a statement about how savage King George is to us by taxing us to death!”
“Thavageth? Oh what an imbethile that Billy Jim Bob ith,” declared Francis Butterman. “I think he needth a thpanking.”
The tea party will start at dark thirty on Friday night.
Colony News
Thomas Jefferson met with a few of his buddies, Ben Franklin and Sam Adams as they have decided it was time to write the King a letter of protest.
“You know, we can only take so much taxation without representation so we thought we would fire off a letter to ol’ King George and let him know we are a bit put out and want him to stop pestering us with all these silly taxes. Why Ben is so upset he has taken up kite flying at night during thunderstorms. Sam has taken to drink and poor John Hancock is losing his eyesight over the whole matter. We have had to go to writing everything in large print for the man. So it is time to fire off the letter. I think we might even be bold enough to call it a Declaration of “leaving us the bloody well alone.”
The letter is under review and is expected to be signed when all the boys meet for drinks in Philadelphia later this month.
Volunteer News
The Order of Minutemen have posted notice of the first ever Concord Turkey Shoot coming up in the fall. Volunteers are needed to help shoot turkeys, especially those turkeys dressed up in red coats.
Paul Revere is looking for a few volunteers to signal the start of the Turkey Shoot who will be willing to hang a lantern or two from the bell tower of the old North Church. Anyone who is interested should contact Paul at his silver smithy. “We’re not talking kite science here. You just have to be able to light a lantern and hang it in the tower of the North Church. Now if you are afraid of heights or narrow stairs, you might want to volunteer for something else.”
Editorial
Should George Washington Lead the Colonial Army?
As tempers flare and it looks like we might be heading into an armed conflict with King George, it is obvious we may have picked a doozy of a leader to lead us. That would be doozy in a bad way… look at the track record for this toothless gumming general.
He has never won a battle.
He likes to hide in bleak places during the harshest winters.
The man is famous for standing up in boats, a practice that shows he isn’t too bright at those who stand up in boats often fall out of boats.
The man has a bad habit of chopping down cherry trees. Blast it! How can we make a good cherry pie if the idiot is chopping down every cherry tree in sight and apologizing for it later? Honesty does not a cherry pie make!
He wears frilly shirts and wigs with powder on them. Just what is in that powder that makes the man so bloody happy? Hmm, do we really need to say more?
Martha thinks he is a wimp and if his own wife thinks he is a wimp what will the soldiers think? I would refer you back to the whole wig and frilly shirt issue.
He is an underacheiver. Last we heard he only wanted to be on quarters and dollars. At least Ben is asking to be on the .50 piece and the 50 dollar bill. Maybe Ben should lead the troops.
I think it is time we consider someone else… somebody with a flair for fighting who can really swing a cutlass when you need him too. Now that Lighthorse Harry Lee fellow… a nice southern lad who has a penchant for fast horses, fast women, and blood letting. Has anyone thought about asking him to lead the troops? I thought not…
Play Review
Last week the Boston opera house opened with a new opera written by local composer Anthony Bennett. While the songs were okay the plot line was a little weak. The lead singer, Maggie May Mayfield, tends to go flat after sustaining a note longer than two beats and the dancers were horrendous in their wooden clogs and bulky skirts. There are times when the milk maidens should probably stick to milking and leave the opera to the professionals; at least then it wouldn’t sound like a hog killing in the fall.
I give this play a resounding cannon ball as it seems to fly for a moment only to explode into a million pieces, peppering the audience with the shrapnel of poor acting, despicable singing, and really sad dancing.
Disclaimer: As always the Tidbits have just a wee bit of truth in them and any facts (?) you quote from them will put your credibility at risk which is not covered by my liability insurance. Use at your own risk.
7/4/06
The special 4th of July Issue
In honor of our country’s 230th birthday of declaring its independence, I thought I would take this opportunity for doing a Tuesday Tidbits, circa 1776.
International News
King George Declares a Tax on Just About Everything
In an effort to fund his expanding empire, the ever efficient King George declared more taxes would be administered around the world.
“We bloody conquered them so they can bloody well pay for their conquering. Do they think it comes free? No, conquering them cost money and last I looked, there weren’t any bloody pounds growing on trees, no were there? So tax the bloody ‘ell out of ‘em.”
When questioned why he would tax the colonies, which are made up of primarily British subjects, King “Tax “em Til They Bloody Well Scream” George replied, “If the fools are daft enough to leave the no tax zone of England and move over to the taxed territories, then they can’t bloody well complain, can they? Now excuse me, I have to go to the loo.”
One of the suspected taxes will be an increased tariff tax on tea, a move many consider a deal breaker with the colonies. King George emphatically stated as he bellowed from the chamber pot closet, “They should be happy we don’t tax them for the air they are breathing! Now where is the bloody chamber pot paper?”
“We didn’t get any sire as the taxes on chamber pot paper have gone up again this week.”
“You bloody sniveling little idiotic twit, we don’t tax ourselves, we tax everybody else! Now go and get me some paper now!” Already letters of discontent have been arriving from the colonies which is fortunate for the King, as he has used them for chamber business…
National News
Boston Bets Big Brew Brings Big Bang
Some local citizens are planning on a setting the new world’s record for the biggest brew of tea by tossing a few hundred bales of tea into the harbor. Billy Jim Bob Bohanan, formally of London, has decided it was time to send a message to King George by mixing up a batch of Old World tea.
“We can tolerate a bit of a tax on some items but not on tea. The sissy boy of England has crossed the line with this latest tax. Heaven knows it was bad enough when he taxed our tallow intake for making candles but you know we were okay. A few hours more in the dark with the missus wasn’t such a bad deal but it did bring about a few more Billy Jim Bob Jrs., but good grief…why did he mess around with our tea? Doesn’t he know the missus has to have her morning tea? If she doesn’t get it then the missus is a bit grumpy which means all those no tallow nights are pretty much a wash. You take away that and boy, you better be ready to rumble.”
His neighbor, Francis Butterman, seller of pink frilly shirts, has warned this display of defiance will cost the town on Boston. “Land thaketh. We don’t need any Britith brutth coming over here and beating uth about the earsth becauth that bully Billy Jim Bob Bohanan hath thet the tea into the harbor! My Tory boyth will tell on him, we will. Juth try it and thee if we won’t.”
Billy Jim Bob Bohanan has decided to make it into a fun event too. “We are asking everyone to dress up as a savage and join us down at the harbor. We will be making a statement about how savage King George is to us by taxing us to death!”
“Thavageth? Oh what an imbethile that Billy Jim Bob ith,” declared Francis Butterman. “I think he needth a thpanking.”
The tea party will start at dark thirty on Friday night.
Colony News
Thomas Jefferson met with a few of his buddies, Ben Franklin and Sam Adams as they have decided it was time to write the King a letter of protest.
“You know, we can only take so much taxation without representation so we thought we would fire off a letter to ol’ King George and let him know we are a bit put out and want him to stop pestering us with all these silly taxes. Why Ben is so upset he has taken up kite flying at night during thunderstorms. Sam has taken to drink and poor John Hancock is losing his eyesight over the whole matter. We have had to go to writing everything in large print for the man. So it is time to fire off the letter. I think we might even be bold enough to call it a Declaration of “leaving us the bloody well alone.”
The letter is under review and is expected to be signed when all the boys meet for drinks in Philadelphia later this month.
Volunteer News
The Order of Minutemen have posted notice of the first ever Concord Turkey Shoot coming up in the fall. Volunteers are needed to help shoot turkeys, especially those turkeys dressed up in red coats.
Paul Revere is looking for a few volunteers to signal the start of the Turkey Shoot who will be willing to hang a lantern or two from the bell tower of the old North Church. Anyone who is interested should contact Paul at his silver smithy. “We’re not talking kite science here. You just have to be able to light a lantern and hang it in the tower of the North Church. Now if you are afraid of heights or narrow stairs, you might want to volunteer for something else.”
Editorial
Should George Washington Lead the Colonial Army?
As tempers flare and it looks like we might be heading into an armed conflict with King George, it is obvious we may have picked a doozy of a leader to lead us. That would be doozy in a bad way… look at the track record for this toothless gumming general.
He has never won a battle.
He likes to hide in bleak places during the harshest winters.
The man is famous for standing up in boats, a practice that shows he isn’t too bright at those who stand up in boats often fall out of boats.
The man has a bad habit of chopping down cherry trees. Blast it! How can we make a good cherry pie if the idiot is chopping down every cherry tree in sight and apologizing for it later? Honesty does not a cherry pie make!
He wears frilly shirts and wigs with powder on them. Just what is in that powder that makes the man so bloody happy? Hmm, do we really need to say more?
Martha thinks he is a wimp and if his own wife thinks he is a wimp what will the soldiers think? I would refer you back to the whole wig and frilly shirt issue.
He is an underacheiver. Last we heard he only wanted to be on quarters and dollars. At least Ben is asking to be on the .50 piece and the 50 dollar bill. Maybe Ben should lead the troops.
I think it is time we consider someone else… somebody with a flair for fighting who can really swing a cutlass when you need him too. Now that Lighthorse Harry Lee fellow… a nice southern lad who has a penchant for fast horses, fast women, and blood letting. Has anyone thought about asking him to lead the troops? I thought not…
Play Review
Last week the Boston opera house opened with a new opera written by local composer Anthony Bennett. While the songs were okay the plot line was a little weak. The lead singer, Maggie May Mayfield, tends to go flat after sustaining a note longer than two beats and the dancers were horrendous in their wooden clogs and bulky skirts. There are times when the milk maidens should probably stick to milking and leave the opera to the professionals; at least then it wouldn’t sound like a hog killing in the fall.
I give this play a resounding cannon ball as it seems to fly for a moment only to explode into a million pieces, peppering the audience with the shrapnel of poor acting, despicable singing, and really sad dancing.
Disclaimer: As always the Tidbits have just a wee bit of truth in them and any facts (?) you quote from them will put your credibility at risk which is not covered by my liability insurance. Use at your own risk.
posted by Frustrated Writer | 4:06 AM
2 Comments:
Completely and totally awesome. Loved it!
King George sucks..man, I can't stand that guy! Someone should put him in the stocks and forget they put him there..
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