Thursday Thirteen for December 7, 2006

Thirteen Useful Applications for Fruitcake

I love the Christmas Season but will admit I am not fond of the scourge of the season, fruitcake. However, I have thought up 13 wonderful ways to use those fruitcakes that show up in the mail...

1. Use them as pavers for a nice colorful walk in your back yard.
2. Toss them at Impatient Grouches who honk in parking lots. It's Christmas. It's the Mall... It's gonna be busy...Have a fruit cake and Merry !$%#$)#^)* Christmas to you too!
3. Use them for target practice. Heaven knows they are indestructible.
4. Send them to Iraq so I soldiers can use them as weapons of mass destruction. Just the morale busting qualities of being given a fruitcake should have the insurgents surrendering in a week.
5. Use them to hold down tarps on windy days.
6. Use them for science fair projects and let the kids try to figure out what the green and orange lumps are inside of them.
7. Lay them down on busy streets and use them for speed bumps.
8. Take them on your next camping trip. I'm pretty sure they're combustible.
9. Use them as decoys in the airport. Security will be so busy trying to figure what kind of hideous device you were trying to take onto the plane that they'll never notice you taking shampoo that isn't inside a baggie.
10. Carry them when you are walking alone at night. You can brain muggers with them.
11. Have them all forwarded to your exes or their divorce lawyers. They took everything else so they definitely should have the fruitcakes too.
12. Hold on to them and send them back to the sender for their birthday. See how they like it.
13. Hollow them out to hide valuables in such as keys, cash, or jewelry. Believe me, if someone breaks into your home to burglarize it, the last thing they are going to look at or steal is the fruitcake.