Tuesday Tidbits 08/01/06

International Scene

Israel Says It Will Stop Bombing... Soon...Really...

Lebonese are celebrating at the latest news out of Tel Aviv where PM Sharon has promised to end the bombing of Lebanon cities sometime in the near future.

"I'm not saying it will be tomorrow or even next week. I am saying it will be sometime in the future. Now please excuse me, I have another barrage to send..."

Secratary of State, Condi Rice, sees this statement as a reason to have hope for a new Middle East. "Look, the man said the bombings would stop. What else do you want? A definitive date? Oh come on, you people are just never happy with anything we come up with..."

National Scene

Study Shows Sexually Active Septagenarians Susceptible to Strokes

Okay, this story just has "eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww" written all over it.

State Scene

Counties Falling Into "Red Flag" Status

As humidity drops and winds pick up, several counties around the state are falling quickly into a "Red Flag" status which means the fire danger is extreme. Volunteer Fireman Fred Fernstein explained, "RF status means almost anything you can imagine could start a grass fire and with the high winds, would likely burn for days. Now a Magenta Flag is the only level higher because it has gale force winds which means you might not burn for days because the MF conditions will have burned down the whole state by then. Yup, we are sure hoping we don't run into any MFers..."

Ditto.

Volunteering Opportunities

Alpha Chi Plans Third Annual Calf Fries Festival

It is that time of year again when the smell of young bullock's testicles frying in rancid oil fills the air. That's right, it is the 3rd Annual Alpha Chi Calf Fries Festival and Alpha Chi president, Stewie Lewis invites everyone to come out and sample the goods.

"We feel this could be the year we actually break even since our crowds have grown substantially over the first two years. The first year we had a total of six people but last year after the word got out that calf fries are really kinda tasty, our crowd grew 300%!"

Volunteers are needed to skin the testicles and to cut them into halves so they are much easier to eat. Lewis was quick to remind everyone that the testicles are skinned and cut while frozen so as not to gross out the volunteers. Everyone who volunteers is encouraged to bring their own knife and to smoke a couple of joints before they start. "We find it settles the volunteers down and helps them keep on task if they can smoke a few Maui Wowies..."

Lewis also reminds the public this is an AYCE event for the low price of $10. All proceeds go to the local Human Society.

Editorial

Does Energy Conservation Make One Cheap?

During the summer there are a few stalwart citizens who are willing to step up to the plate to take a little heat for the rest of mankind. These brave souls set their thermostats on 85 and turn their fans on to keep energy costs low. Along with a lower drain on the power grid, other benefits are quickly realizes such as small electrical bills, healthier houseplants, and cleaner pores. Are there set backs for these brave souls? Yes, but in the end the savings are worth it. I encourage everyone to join the ranks of the energy conservationists and help ease the addiction of a power sucking society.

To help you on your journey, I offer the following "Beat the Heat" hints;

• Keep your thermostat at 85. Remember that other members of your household may whine a little bit about the heat and could even possibly fake heat stroke or heat exhaustion. Stand firm and toss a rag soaked in cool water on their face. They'll get over it.
• Soak in a tub of cold water. Yes the water warms up fairly quickly but the evaporation of water is expotentially greater when pruney wrinkles are available causing a higher rate of evaporation causing your body to cool down.
• Find reasons to visit your energy hogging neighbors. Borrow a cup of sugar.... one teaspoon at a time.
• Pretend you are interested in purchasing a house and sit in the cool office of your realtor, spending hours on end browsing through the listing books.
• Go to Wally World and shop. Don't buy anything, just wander around and enjoy their air conditioner.
• Become a nudist

Yes these suggestions might require some sacrifice on your part but in the end you have conserved energy. The victory is all yours!

Movie Review

Prairie Home Companion a Winner!

For all of you NPR fans who listen in to hear Garrison Keillor and the gang sing great songs, provide excellent comedy, and to listen to fantastic instrumentals, you will find this movie a true gem. Meryll Streep and Lily Tomlin are fantastic but the two cowboys are so funny you can't wait to see them reappear on screen. A stellar cast, a great performance, and a fun time to be had by all makes this film worthy of five quills.

Disclaimer: As always, any information found in the Tidbits are suspect at best. Use with caution. The Tidbits have also been found to have cause complications during pregnancy. All women who are pregnant are encouraged to consult their doctor before reading the Tidbits. All men who are pregnant are encouraged to call the editor of the Tuesday Tidbits immediately as we always need writing material...