It is time to address the underachieving criminal!
Well the report is out and it seems the safest city to live in if you are an American, is Brick, N.J., with a population of about 78k. Amherst, N.Y. and Mission Viejo follow on Brick's heels with the only Texas city making the safest list being #13, Round Rock.
The most dangerous city to live in is St. Louis, followed by Detroit and Flint Michigan. According to the FBI, these cities have experienced an increase of almost 20% in violent crimes. Hmm...
So what does that tell us? It tells us the criminal element in Brick, Amherst, and Mission Viejo are a bunch of underachieving morons who couldn't kidnap their own mother and hide her from themselves. On the other hand, we see the criminal element excelling in St. Louis, Detroit, and Flint because of an arguably better education system for criminals.
Do you think the folks of Brick, Amherst and Mission Viejo are thrilled they have criminals with such low expectations? I don't think so!
I'm wondering if anyone has thought to address this issue in the current campaigns going around the country. Come now, we as Americans expect perfection, even in our criminals, and to see such shoddy work in Brick or Amherst is a travesty. I, therefore, propose a new government program designed at giving disadvantaged, low achieving, low motivated criminals a step up in the criminal realm. I think you will see the simplicity in this idea.
1. Add a 1% tax to grocery items across the country. We won't hit the sin tax this time as the smokers and drinkers have already paid enough and are killing themselves at a terrible expense at this time.
2. We develop a new office in the Federal Government, the Office of Knowledgifying American Yahoos (OKAY). I would propose since this was my plan, I should be appointed as the first OKAY Secretary.
3. With an enormous budget, I will start to investigate ways to stimulate the criminal element to become more efficient and proficient in their occupations. I'm thinking I will have a pool of experts in the House and the Senate to draw from.
4. To globalize my plan, I am going to need some international studies as well so I propose to shift a good portion of my budget to a Swiss bank account so I can administer funding from Europe as I check into methodologies that have puzzled Interpol and the best police agencies in Europe.
5. Finally, I propose to set up offices in Rio, Barbados, and Hong Kong so I can gather the best information possible to create a base of highly trained criminals capable of passing on their skills to the underachievers class of hooligans in our society. Yes, I will need a bank account in everyone of these places as well to expedite the process.
We could plan on seeing some positive improvement in our cities by the year 2010... provided the government can find me.
The most dangerous city to live in is St. Louis, followed by Detroit and Flint Michigan. According to the FBI, these cities have experienced an increase of almost 20% in violent crimes. Hmm...
So what does that tell us? It tells us the criminal element in Brick, Amherst, and Mission Viejo are a bunch of underachieving morons who couldn't kidnap their own mother and hide her from themselves. On the other hand, we see the criminal element excelling in St. Louis, Detroit, and Flint because of an arguably better education system for criminals.
Do you think the folks of Brick, Amherst and Mission Viejo are thrilled they have criminals with such low expectations? I don't think so!
I'm wondering if anyone has thought to address this issue in the current campaigns going around the country. Come now, we as Americans expect perfection, even in our criminals, and to see such shoddy work in Brick or Amherst is a travesty. I, therefore, propose a new government program designed at giving disadvantaged, low achieving, low motivated criminals a step up in the criminal realm. I think you will see the simplicity in this idea.
1. Add a 1% tax to grocery items across the country. We won't hit the sin tax this time as the smokers and drinkers have already paid enough and are killing themselves at a terrible expense at this time.
2. We develop a new office in the Federal Government, the Office of Knowledgifying American Yahoos (OKAY). I would propose since this was my plan, I should be appointed as the first OKAY Secretary.
3. With an enormous budget, I will start to investigate ways to stimulate the criminal element to become more efficient and proficient in their occupations. I'm thinking I will have a pool of experts in the House and the Senate to draw from.
4. To globalize my plan, I am going to need some international studies as well so I propose to shift a good portion of my budget to a Swiss bank account so I can administer funding from Europe as I check into methodologies that have puzzled Interpol and the best police agencies in Europe.
5. Finally, I propose to set up offices in Rio, Barbados, and Hong Kong so I can gather the best information possible to create a base of highly trained criminals capable of passing on their skills to the underachievers class of hooligans in our society. Yes, I will need a bank account in everyone of these places as well to expedite the process.
We could plan on seeing some positive improvement in our cities by the year 2010... provided the government can find me.
Labels: Great Ideas
posted by Frustrated Writer | 6:21 AM
4 Comments:
Dear Frustrated,
It would take some doing to find you as you seem intent on creating a massive paper trail in Rio, Barbados and Hong Kong. Maybe I could help you out there. In my past life, I once dabbled in offshore financial consulting.
We both seem to like the color orange.lol
Have a happy Halloween,
Enid
Yes! I think OKAY will far surpass the expectations suggested by its acronym. Though it seems you are quite equipt to handle the dealings in quite a few major international cities boasting high criminal education standards, may I suggest outsourcing some work to me in Kingston and Mexico city? Not only do I already have the criminal connections, I already have a financial mediator in international waters prepared to handle transfers of my modest salary. Think my proposal over. and, don't contact me--I'll contact you.
I live in round rock woo hoo.
Funny, funny. I'm afraid to see this list. But the list I really want to see is the one that shows the most creative criminals. It would be interesting to know which capers were the trickiest.
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