Tuesday Tidbits 9/5/06
Tuesday Tidbits are dedicated to the truth of current events (okay, sort of, as many of the quotations and facts are made up to keep the news entertaining).
International News
U.N. to Negotiate Release for Israeli Hostages
The U.N. has stepped up once again to play the role of peacemaker in the current Israeli/Rest of the Arab World conflict by vowing to negotiate a trade between Israel and Hezbollah. Kofi Annan has said he will appoint a negotiator later this week to bring the two warring factions to the peace table to discuss appropriate items to be traded for the release of the two Israeli soldiers.
"Will it be easy? No, because the Arab nations already have oil so we sure can't be trading oil for prisoners and Israel already has food, so we can't be trading food for prisoners...What's that? Israel wants the prisoners and wouldn't be trading prisoners for food? Are you sure about that? Really? Anyway, we will have to see what Hezbollah would like to have in exchange for the prisoners and of course, there will be a nice little negotiating fee for me and the members of my staff for getting this all put together. I don't know, maybe a few million here or there, chicken scratch really..."
"We don't see much reason to negotiate," said an Israeli source who asked not to be named. "We know what Hezbollah wants and we don't want to give it to them. So why don't you take your negotiators and go find some other nation to mess with. Now if you don't mind, we have a little negotiating of our own to do. Simon, have you tweaked those coordinates yet for our little Sept. 7th surprise?"
Negotiating seems to be going a little slow for the U.N. but a recent poll among the nations shows confidence is running at an all time high of 14% of the countries believing the U.N. will get it done. The fact these were the same 14% of the countries who attended the Syrian Cocktail Party is just a coincidence.
National News
White House Claims U.S. is Safer!
The U.S. is a safer place, White House spokespersons are saying as the number of terrorist attacks are noticibly down. "Just this last year we saw a significant decrease in the number of toothbrush attacks on airline pilots, deoderant bombs and toothpaste bombs were also at an all time low with the only significantly increase coming in halotosis attacks among airline passengers who ate garlic before boarding the plane. We are working on that situation night and day to make the skies safe again."
State News
Snake Population on the Increase in the State!
The Bureau of State Statistics has released the latest population figures for 2006 with a significant increase in reptilian populations being reported. When asked why the snake population has almost doubled in the past decade, Wildlife Management director, Bubba Bob Brunowski could only surmise,
"Well more kids are passing the bar exam these days which means more lawyers are on the streets, mating with other lawyers, producing more lawyers... and since we don't have a lawyer roundup yet, we can only see this disturbing trend getting worse."
Volunteer News
Local Chapter of the ACLU Hosts Barbecue!
Brian Boobikins, local president of the local chapter of the ACLU, has announced the first annual membership drive barbecue to be held downtown in Martyrs Park.
"We have found a need for the ACLU in Texas and are seeking to increase our membership to address key issues that keep popping up. Since our own local chapter has three members, we feel we will need to grow our membership at least 100% before we can make a difference in this area. We invite anyone who is interested to come on down Saturday for a little barbecue, some inspirational secular singing, followed by our first attempt at fundraising, an auction of non hispanic phallic shaped pinatas with pentagrams painted on them. We think these will sell well in this city of artistic patrons."
Anyone who would like to help in this endeavor is encouraged to seek out Brian Boobikins for more information. The ACLU will not be providing Kevlar vests for the event so all volunteers should bring their own.
Editorial
Time for a Serious Moment of Reflection
I am seldom serious in the Tidbits but today is a sad day as one of the most entertaining wild life hosts is dead. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, has been killed by a stingray while filming a show on the Great Barrier Reef. I for one will miss him, as most folks who enjoyed a good laugh will. His ridiculous antics of pulling poisonous snakes out of holes, wrestling crocodiles, or holding some lizard who is chomping on him while blood is pouring out of his wounds will be sorely missed, especially his "Blimey, he bit me!" catch phrase that would always bring out a chuckle or two.
Sadly, I thought he would go down in a mess of crocodiles or perhaps die of a head injury when his wife brained him with a baby croc for his constant patronizing banter of her animal capturing technique. Somehow the end coming from a stingray's barb through the heart seems anticlimatic but it is tragic nonetheless.
Steve Irwin, we will miss you on the airwaves and hope in your next great adventure you can wrestle a surly arch angel named Michael to the ground while telling us what to watch out for...right before we hear you shout, "Blimey..."
Movie Review
Sentinal Soars at Suspense
I caught the new release of The Sentinal on DVD yesterday and must say it was quite good. Your cast was A-1 and had a great story line to lead them in an excellent suspenseful tale of intrigue, possible presidential assissinations, and the ever present "can I trust you" issues found in a good drama. Of course I was in a major stupor from medication so it might not have been as good as I just said it was, but if you are feeling rather blah and need a good flick to pass the time, I would give this show a try. I give it 4 quills for having Michael, Keiffer, and Eva in the same movie.
Disclaimer: As usual, most of the hard fast facts here are made up so please quote at your own risk.
International News
U.N. to Negotiate Release for Israeli Hostages
The U.N. has stepped up once again to play the role of peacemaker in the current Israeli/Rest of the Arab World conflict by vowing to negotiate a trade between Israel and Hezbollah. Kofi Annan has said he will appoint a negotiator later this week to bring the two warring factions to the peace table to discuss appropriate items to be traded for the release of the two Israeli soldiers.
"Will it be easy? No, because the Arab nations already have oil so we sure can't be trading oil for prisoners and Israel already has food, so we can't be trading food for prisoners...What's that? Israel wants the prisoners and wouldn't be trading prisoners for food? Are you sure about that? Really? Anyway, we will have to see what Hezbollah would like to have in exchange for the prisoners and of course, there will be a nice little negotiating fee for me and the members of my staff for getting this all put together. I don't know, maybe a few million here or there, chicken scratch really..."
"We don't see much reason to negotiate," said an Israeli source who asked not to be named. "We know what Hezbollah wants and we don't want to give it to them. So why don't you take your negotiators and go find some other nation to mess with. Now if you don't mind, we have a little negotiating of our own to do. Simon, have you tweaked those coordinates yet for our little Sept. 7th surprise?"
Negotiating seems to be going a little slow for the U.N. but a recent poll among the nations shows confidence is running at an all time high of 14% of the countries believing the U.N. will get it done. The fact these were the same 14% of the countries who attended the Syrian Cocktail Party is just a coincidence.
National News
White House Claims U.S. is Safer!
The U.S. is a safer place, White House spokespersons are saying as the number of terrorist attacks are noticibly down. "Just this last year we saw a significant decrease in the number of toothbrush attacks on airline pilots, deoderant bombs and toothpaste bombs were also at an all time low with the only significantly increase coming in halotosis attacks among airline passengers who ate garlic before boarding the plane. We are working on that situation night and day to make the skies safe again."
State News
Snake Population on the Increase in the State!
The Bureau of State Statistics has released the latest population figures for 2006 with a significant increase in reptilian populations being reported. When asked why the snake population has almost doubled in the past decade, Wildlife Management director, Bubba Bob Brunowski could only surmise,
"Well more kids are passing the bar exam these days which means more lawyers are on the streets, mating with other lawyers, producing more lawyers... and since we don't have a lawyer roundup yet, we can only see this disturbing trend getting worse."
Volunteer News
Local Chapter of the ACLU Hosts Barbecue!
Brian Boobikins, local president of the local chapter of the ACLU, has announced the first annual membership drive barbecue to be held downtown in Martyrs Park.
"We have found a need for the ACLU in Texas and are seeking to increase our membership to address key issues that keep popping up. Since our own local chapter has three members, we feel we will need to grow our membership at least 100% before we can make a difference in this area. We invite anyone who is interested to come on down Saturday for a little barbecue, some inspirational secular singing, followed by our first attempt at fundraising, an auction of non hispanic phallic shaped pinatas with pentagrams painted on them. We think these will sell well in this city of artistic patrons."
Anyone who would like to help in this endeavor is encouraged to seek out Brian Boobikins for more information. The ACLU will not be providing Kevlar vests for the event so all volunteers should bring their own.
Editorial
Time for a Serious Moment of Reflection
I am seldom serious in the Tidbits but today is a sad day as one of the most entertaining wild life hosts is dead. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, has been killed by a stingray while filming a show on the Great Barrier Reef. I for one will miss him, as most folks who enjoyed a good laugh will. His ridiculous antics of pulling poisonous snakes out of holes, wrestling crocodiles, or holding some lizard who is chomping on him while blood is pouring out of his wounds will be sorely missed, especially his "Blimey, he bit me!" catch phrase that would always bring out a chuckle or two.
Sadly, I thought he would go down in a mess of crocodiles or perhaps die of a head injury when his wife brained him with a baby croc for his constant patronizing banter of her animal capturing technique. Somehow the end coming from a stingray's barb through the heart seems anticlimatic but it is tragic nonetheless.
Steve Irwin, we will miss you on the airwaves and hope in your next great adventure you can wrestle a surly arch angel named Michael to the ground while telling us what to watch out for...right before we hear you shout, "Blimey..."
Movie Review
Sentinal Soars at Suspense
I caught the new release of The Sentinal on DVD yesterday and must say it was quite good. Your cast was A-1 and had a great story line to lead them in an excellent suspenseful tale of intrigue, possible presidential assissinations, and the ever present "can I trust you" issues found in a good drama. Of course I was in a major stupor from medication so it might not have been as good as I just said it was, but if you are feeling rather blah and need a good flick to pass the time, I would give this show a try. I give it 4 quills for having Michael, Keiffer, and Eva in the same movie.
Disclaimer: As usual, most of the hard fast facts here are made up so please quote at your own risk.
posted by Frustrated Writer | 5:15 AM
4 Comments:
Man, am I ever in for the ACLU bbq!
I think the art of pinata design has been begging for some artistic deviance for a long time...:)
Indeed, the loss of Steve "Crikey" Irwin has hit many :(
He did so much for conservation, thankfully he has many who will carry his causes on :o)
Crikey, he's a big 'un! C'mom Mate...you can wrestle 'im...'e's only a little devil now right! Good on ya! Now, lets gaff 'im. Crikey, he's a big 'un in'tee Michel, old cobber!
What's 'is name...bezee somethin! Right. Crikey!
As you can see, I want Steve Irwin at my back when I go to wrestle devils after the Rapture...
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