Tuesday Tidbits 06/13/06

"Dedicated to providing irrelevent information that is partially accurate"

International News

Bomb Killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Successor Named

Major General William Caldwell reported to the press yesterday that it was in fact a bomb that brought the life of al-Zarqawi to an end. After a four hour autopsy, the results proved the lungs of the former leader of Al-Qaida were squashed and the lack of the lung's ability to put oxygen in the blood brought about the demise of Zarqawi.

"Yup, the bomb done it," Bill Caldwell was quick to report. "We surmised at first it might be the bomb when we dropped two 500 pounders on the boy and he seemed to quit functioning. At first we thought he was faking but when we realized he wasn't trying to accesorize his outfit with a matching suicide belt, we knew he probably was ready for a fork to be stuck in him, cause baby, that boy was done!"

Rumors had been running rampant about the possibility al-Zarqawi had been beaten to death after the fact of the bombing but Billy Caldwell put that to rest quickly.

"We didn't beat anyone. Okay, we did drop the bombs that tossed him around in the house like a rat on meth in a dryer, but other than that, we didn't touch him. The bombs done the trick, the boy is dead, let's get down to business of eradicating the other al-Qaida vermin."

Al-Qaida hasn't wasted anytime in naming a successor to al-Zarqawi, Abu Luvu Plesdonshootme Ibleedezily, who released a statement saying, "We will not stop our war against the Great White Menace. Oh sure, we might be taking a little vacation to mourn the death of al-Zarqawi and to let the boys catch a little sun, maybe swim in the ocean, and rest up a bit, but we will be back... sometime. You don't call us, we'll call you."

National News

Supreme Court Rules on Lethal Injections

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy ruled people on death row waiting for their lethal injection should have more time to appeal their cases. In an apparent move away from the death penalty, Kennedy implied such use of needles may not be constitutional.

"Okay, needles give me the heebie-jeebies and since you are already going to die, which would seem stressful enough, they come at you with a needle? How humane is that? I'm not saying it shouldn't be done, but I am saying we may want to rethink the whole needle thing. Go back to the old days when we killed a man humanely, with gas, or a bullet, or even fry them like a catfish in a cast iron pan, but no needles. Come on, no one likes to get stuck, especially in front of an audience."

The ACLU is still trying to come up with an appropriate comment. Steven Shapiro's statement in response of the ruling was somewhat confused.

"Uh, this is a great victory for the legal system in America to give convicted murderers more time to appeal their decisions in order to avoid the needle. Okay, we're a little confused about the whole gas chamber, firing squad and light 'em with ol' Sparky segment, but we still believe it is a move in the right direction...or at least we think it is a move in the right direction, okay, possibly this is a move in the right direction. Wait, uh, we want to clarify that, no comment."

State News

Karaoke Club Owner Pleads Guilty to Mental Abuse

Sung Bum Song plead guilty to charges of bringing young Korean women over from South Korea to work as forced laborers in his karaoke club. He is facing 25 years in prison and $100,000 fine if the judge gives him the maximum sentence. Dallas police detective, Joe Bob Hunsucker stated this was not a quick arrest but took hours of undercover work to produce enough evidence to charge Sung Bum Song.

"First we had to prove he was holding these girls against their will and that mental abuse was actually occurring. But after you hear three hours of "Feelings", "Born in the USA", and "Love Shack" it wasn't hard to decide there was some serious violations of human rights going on here. We are talking a violation of American principles, an assault on everything that is good. Why that @+)#&+)*+@#*@# didn't even have one Country and Western song in his collection. Just that techno, rock and roll, druggy crap from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. No wonder those poor girls were so unhappy."

Sung Bum Song had no comment for the press but did hum us a little ditty that sounded something like "Free Bird."

Editorial

Baseball is a Great Teacher of Life

As the summer presses on I fear we are missing out on one of the great instructors in life, the game of baseball, specifically the Major Leagues. Yes, it is a slow moving game with an emphasis of pitchers dualing steriod injected batters trying to get them to not hit the ball, but it still has a lot to offer generations to come. Some of the more obvious lessons this great American tradition has to offer are;

• Life is full of disappointment. Take the Texas Rangers, for instance, a team that always seems to be on the brink of greatness. They start off strong, hold on to the All Star break, giving you hope of finally seeing a pennant in the State of Texas, only to dash those hopes with their late summer fade. Your optimism and hope are replaced by disappointment and remorse. Life is like that and so this is a lesson all youth should learn at an early age.
• Life isn't fair. The athlete who works out, puts in hours of practice is overshadowed by your Barry Bonds who shoots himself up with steriods and jacks 715 balls out of the park. Is it fair that you haven't gotten any glory because you followed the rules? Nope, but life is full of that sort of unfairness. Bring the kids out to the ballpark, they need to learn this lesson of life early!
• Life can be brutal. Have your child sit through a boring four hour game in the hot Texas sun, getting dehydrated, sunburned, while watching your team lose the game on an error in the 12th inning. Excruciating pain. Heartbreak. Yes, life being brutal at its most brutal. Kids need to learn this lesson immediately in order to get them ready for the pain.

See the importance of baseball in our culture? Be the one to lead the charge pack to the ball park where you can purchase inflated, overpriced, chemical inudated hotdogs to eat while you watch life's lessons unfold before your eyes. Your kids will thank you down the road, most likely in a most brutal fashion. Batter up!

Volunteer Opportunities

Fred Gilmore Society to Host "Wine Sampler" at Bubba Bob's Better Boozery

The Fred Gilmore Society, a local non-profit dedicated to its mission of obliterating American excesses and waste, has announced the first annual Wine Sampler at our local vineyard, Bubba Bob's Better Boozery. Tickets are $75 a person and include a tour of the vineyard, sampling of the 35 wines produceds at Bubba's, and a sack lunch from Dale's Burger Shack. President Callie Chuggerman is excited over the potential of this fundraiser.

"We believe the public will find this Wine Sampler fun, educational, and relaxing. The executive board has met with Bubba Bob at least four times during the last week, checking out the sampler room and making sure the 35 wines are of a quality that will impress anyone who comes. I can't quite remember all the details of those meetings but I do know everyone was happy to sign onto a 50 year commitment with Bubba Bob so you know this is a match made in heaven. We will be using these funds to educate the public on the dangers of doing anything to excess."

Call down to the Fred Gilmore Society for more information. They do request you wait until after lunch when their heads don't hurt so much.

Movie Review

The Marksman (out on DVD)

I am a Wesley Snipes fan but have to admit this flick isn't worth the price of rental as is stinks to high heaven. The story line is predictable, the soundtrack is horrific (I fear some composer on herion wrote it, trying to capture the spirit of the movie soundtracks from the 50's with dramatic rises in the score and subtle nuances of romantic frames during tender moments... but he is always two scenes behind), and the acting... the acting... can you say "suckles" to keep it biblical.

I give this movie the al-Zarqawi, it bombed.

Disclaimer: Some of the facts in the Tuesday Tidbits are true... most aren't... so quote at your own risk.