Another Thursday Thirteen

Okay, I'm a little stressed and since writing is my stress reliever, I am posting another Thursday Thirteen because the thought of #4 in my previous Thursday Thirteen has spurred me into a silly mood.

Thirteen Things to Say If You Have a Coffin in the Guest Room

1. "Hey, you may need to take the Febreeze in there with you as we haven't quite got the smell of Uncle Joe out of the fabric."
2. "What hammer and nails? Oh, those hammer and nails. Uh, I forgot to put them in the tool shed? Really, I wouldn't dream of nailing you inside the coffin...really."
3. "You know I hope when my history is written folks will appreciate that I buried all of my victims in a nice coffin and that I wasn't your run of the mill let's barely cover them up in a shallow grave serial killer."
4. "Hope you don't mind sleeping on top of the coffin. I haven't had a chance to empty it yet."
5. "Yeah that's my coffin alright. Have to have something to keep the sunlight off of me because sunlight really sucks."
6. "I got a really good deal on this coffin. It was used just once and even then it was owned by a little old lady who was buried in it only on Sundays."
7. "Yup, I am going to pimp this baby out. Thinking about chopping the top down, putting a stereo system in it so I can listen to Grateful Dead tunes for eternity."
8. "Don't let the coffin freak you out, it is just a conversation piece... and I wouldn't worry about the butcher knife next to the shower either..."
9. "Well a linen closet was going to cost me $2500 and they had these babies down at the coffin factory for $1,250 so I thought, 'Yeah, this would make a fine linen cabinet.' Cool huh?"
10. "Well the will said I got nothing from the ol' man and I thought to myself, 'Hey, I'm not leaving this cemetery without something so I took the old man's casket. Ready for supper?"
11. "I doing some research on sensory deprevation. I have a nice little sensory deprevation chamber dug in the backyard and thought you might to help me out on the research..."
12. "Well she said she wanted a fine piece of furniture to put in the bedroom to give the room a certain ambiance that would set it off from the rest of the house and I thought, 'Yuppers, this definitely makes a statement.' Haven't seen hide nor hair of her since. Hmm..."
13. "So, how do you feel about necrophylia?"

Oh, I feel disclaimer time coming on...

NO, I am not into necrophylia... and no, I do not have a coffin in my guest room, and NO, I am not a deranged serial killer... But YES, I wouldn't mind having a coffin so I could test drive it before the big trip...