Tuesday Tidbits 9/19
Another rousing edition of half truths, exaggerated stories, and a little leg pulling on the events of the day.
International News
Muslims Want the Pope to be More Apologetic
After reading an ancient text that described Islam as "evil and inhuman," and paying special attention to Mohammed's command "to spread by the sword the faith,"the Pope has been asked to deepen his apology of "I'm sorry you were offended" to "Please, kill me, an infidel dog who doesn't deserve to live in your feces."
The Pope has not commented on the new demands of apologetic rhetoric and is considering taking up Turkey's mandate of no apology, no visit. "Turkey isn't that great of a place to hang with the peeps, you know? They seem to hate anything not Muslim and I'm thinking I'm about as non-Muslim as you can get," his Holiness told reporters.
Muslim leaders are indignant over the speech and are clamoring for the "Salmon Rushdie" clause that states millions of dollars will be paid to the person who knocks off the Pope. When reminded they never caught Salmon Rushdie, the Muslim leaders were quick to add, "We're working on it."
The Reverand Jesse Jackson has offered to mediate a peaceful apology for both sides and as of this writing, is still waiting to hear back from both parties who have both mentioned they'll consider his offer when a major weather change occurs in hell.
National News
A Mourning Nation Awaits Autopsy Report Daniel Smith
Daniel Smith's body, the 20 year old body of the son of Anna Nicole Smith, is still waiting to be autopsied for the second time. After his mother found him dead in her hospital room, many have speculated the untimely death might be drug related, despite the first sutopsy's findings that stated there were no drugs in the boy's body.
Experts in the States are thinking death might have come from a rarely fatal disease called, "ohjeezitsmymotherdoingsomethingembarassingagain."
"We literally have billions of reportable cases of ohjeezitsmymotherdoingsomethingembarassingagain each year but this is the first time somebody of note has died from it," psychiatrist Dr. Leslie Diamond said to a crowd of reporters standing in front of the morgue where the second autopsy will take place. "I think perhaps Ms. Smith is concerned such a fatality might hurt her stellar career so a drug overdose would be easier to bear."
At this writing, we are still trying to find out what stellar career Dr. Diamond was talking about.
State News
Ann Richards Is Put to Rest
Former Governor of Texas, Ann "Poor George" Richards, was laid to rest in the Texas State Cemetery on Monday. As thousands paid their last respects in the Frank Irwin Center, local morticians struggled with the closing of the casket on this great Texas legend.
"Egad, I've never seen so much skin. Just wrinkle after wrinkle, I didn't think we would ever get it all stuffed into that coffin. It is amazing, it was like those wrinkles started to grow on us and we couldn't get the lid down," Ralph Roberts of Austin's Ed's Ethereal Emporium of Exiting. "Yup, it was a challenge but we finally got it done. Had to put a couple of big rocks on the top to make sure the lid stayed closed but I'm pretty sure the Governor will be okay and will stay in her coffin."
Present Governor, Rick Perry, was quick to add, "I hope so, that lady gave me the heebie jeebies."
Editorial
Camel Cigarettes Craft Clever Campaign
As I was checking out at the local Skinny's, my eye caught a poster announcing the Camel short and wide pack. It seems you can smoke your Camel quicker but the wider body allows you to take in the same amount of nicotine. What a novel idea! Shouldn't we take the great lesson offered to us here and apply it to everything else?
For instance, why don't we have shorter but wider syringes for herion? You might even expand the needle a bit so you can spend less time injecting and more time flying. Perhaps we could utilize the same principle with fast food too... shorter pieces that are extremely wide. Oh wait, we have that already and we call it pizza. My bad.
The fact of the matter is the use of marketing to further the self-destructive behavior of the masses is an intriguing episode in the drama of humanity. We will repackage those harmful elements so you can enjoy them in a whole new venue that will let you experience death in a new and improved manner. Somehow I think we like the illusion of new and improved so much we don't care how it is applied.
So what's next? Al Quaida supplying a shorter, but more heavily armed, suicide bomber? Egad.
Sports
College Football Gets Better and Better
I love the college football scene and as more of the top teams tumble, it gets even more fun. Looking down the road, some of the top teams have really tough games but West Virginia only has one obstacle which makes me think they make cake walk into the National Championship. Hmm... I guess all that matters is that Texas gets into a BCS game and then the world will be at peace. Happy sigh...
No movie review this week... maybe next week.
As always, quote at your own risk.
International News
Muslims Want the Pope to be More Apologetic
After reading an ancient text that described Islam as "evil and inhuman," and paying special attention to Mohammed's command "to spread by the sword the faith,"the Pope has been asked to deepen his apology of "I'm sorry you were offended" to "Please, kill me, an infidel dog who doesn't deserve to live in your feces."
The Pope has not commented on the new demands of apologetic rhetoric and is considering taking up Turkey's mandate of no apology, no visit. "Turkey isn't that great of a place to hang with the peeps, you know? They seem to hate anything not Muslim and I'm thinking I'm about as non-Muslim as you can get," his Holiness told reporters.
Muslim leaders are indignant over the speech and are clamoring for the "Salmon Rushdie" clause that states millions of dollars will be paid to the person who knocks off the Pope. When reminded they never caught Salmon Rushdie, the Muslim leaders were quick to add, "We're working on it."
The Reverand Jesse Jackson has offered to mediate a peaceful apology for both sides and as of this writing, is still waiting to hear back from both parties who have both mentioned they'll consider his offer when a major weather change occurs in hell.
National News
A Mourning Nation Awaits Autopsy Report Daniel Smith
Daniel Smith's body, the 20 year old body of the son of Anna Nicole Smith, is still waiting to be autopsied for the second time. After his mother found him dead in her hospital room, many have speculated the untimely death might be drug related, despite the first sutopsy's findings that stated there were no drugs in the boy's body.
Experts in the States are thinking death might have come from a rarely fatal disease called, "ohjeezitsmymotherdoingsomethingembarassingagain."
"We literally have billions of reportable cases of ohjeezitsmymotherdoingsomethingembarassingagain each year but this is the first time somebody of note has died from it," psychiatrist Dr. Leslie Diamond said to a crowd of reporters standing in front of the morgue where the second autopsy will take place. "I think perhaps Ms. Smith is concerned such a fatality might hurt her stellar career so a drug overdose would be easier to bear."
At this writing, we are still trying to find out what stellar career Dr. Diamond was talking about.
State News
Ann Richards Is Put to Rest
Former Governor of Texas, Ann "Poor George" Richards, was laid to rest in the Texas State Cemetery on Monday. As thousands paid their last respects in the Frank Irwin Center, local morticians struggled with the closing of the casket on this great Texas legend.
"Egad, I've never seen so much skin. Just wrinkle after wrinkle, I didn't think we would ever get it all stuffed into that coffin. It is amazing, it was like those wrinkles started to grow on us and we couldn't get the lid down," Ralph Roberts of Austin's Ed's Ethereal Emporium of Exiting. "Yup, it was a challenge but we finally got it done. Had to put a couple of big rocks on the top to make sure the lid stayed closed but I'm pretty sure the Governor will be okay and will stay in her coffin."
Present Governor, Rick Perry, was quick to add, "I hope so, that lady gave me the heebie jeebies."
Editorial
Camel Cigarettes Craft Clever Campaign
As I was checking out at the local Skinny's, my eye caught a poster announcing the Camel short and wide pack. It seems you can smoke your Camel quicker but the wider body allows you to take in the same amount of nicotine. What a novel idea! Shouldn't we take the great lesson offered to us here and apply it to everything else?
For instance, why don't we have shorter but wider syringes for herion? You might even expand the needle a bit so you can spend less time injecting and more time flying. Perhaps we could utilize the same principle with fast food too... shorter pieces that are extremely wide. Oh wait, we have that already and we call it pizza. My bad.
The fact of the matter is the use of marketing to further the self-destructive behavior of the masses is an intriguing episode in the drama of humanity. We will repackage those harmful elements so you can enjoy them in a whole new venue that will let you experience death in a new and improved manner. Somehow I think we like the illusion of new and improved so much we don't care how it is applied.
So what's next? Al Quaida supplying a shorter, but more heavily armed, suicide bomber? Egad.
Sports
College Football Gets Better and Better
I love the college football scene and as more of the top teams tumble, it gets even more fun. Looking down the road, some of the top teams have really tough games but West Virginia only has one obstacle which makes me think they make cake walk into the National Championship. Hmm... I guess all that matters is that Texas gets into a BCS game and then the world will be at peace. Happy sigh...
No movie review this week... maybe next week.
As always, quote at your own risk.
posted by Frustrated Writer | 6:06 AM
5 Comments:
LOL! I've suffered from that disease many, many times. I've also been the cause of the "child" strain of that disease more times then I'd care to admit :)
Frustrated Writer As you are probably aware, the newsmedia may be dealing with two Popes if a certain person changes his mind. So keep your eyes open and keep us informed on the two Popes possibility.
"Ann Richards Is Put to Rest"
re
Larry King has been secluded all day after the news of her demise. His $175,000 floral arrangement was greatly appreciated by the immediate family.
As usual, too many phunnies here to mention!(though, I especially enjoyed the pope's suggested appology).
I think your Tuesday Tidbits deserve a website of their own! It could be a hilarious, satirical/sometimes sarcastic news site with carefully-selected advertisements that could even provide you with a bit of extra income!
Just a thought... because you continue to crack me (and others) up!
A little different point of view here from my standpoint:
Next to Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards was probably the greatest statesman (generic term, includes women for me also) Texas has ever produced. A lot of people made fun of her.
Anna Nicole Smith rates high, her son-in-law got his just deserts for messing with her. Dixie chicks will rate higher for speaking freely against the pres.
I won't comment on Perry or U/T at Austin football. They aren't accepted to well by some!
Really, a nice post. I don't read your blog often enough to know how serious you are about things. I try to keep people guessing about how I tick.
..
Hee! I'm not sure why the Camels thing made me laugh the most since I am (not officially) a smoker but it did. How ridiculous of an ad campaign is that? Sheesh.
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