Tuesday Tidbits 07/18/06

"Dedicated to the Discovery of Earth Shattering Trivial Facts"

International News

G8 Summit Agrees on Something

After a vigorous debate on the tact members of the G8 Summit should take with the Israel/Lebanon conflict, Putin and Bush did reach an agreement.

"I said we should leave the ladies at the hotel while we went out and had a little drinky, played a little Texas Hold 'Em, and smoke some of them Cuban cigars. Putin wanted to bring the wives, drink some of that vodka crap, and play a little spin the bottle. I reminded him that no one wants to see Frenchy naked and he agreed. Besides, no little sawed off Russian is going to beat me in Texas Hold 'Em. Bring them rubles to papa..."

Putin was quick to add an additional comment but since no one at this rag speaks Russian, we can only guess what he was saying. "I love vodka! I love Russian women on steroids! They remind me of my days in the Siberian Army, but I must have lots of vodka first!" At least that is what we think he said.

The French Prime Minister... oh heck, does anyone really care what he had to say?

The G8 Summit continues with no real resolutions in sight although Secretary of State Condy Rice has made tremendous progress in her sarcastic delivery of diatribe towards Democratic naysayers prompting Senator Joe Biden to whimper, "Women. You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. Hey that was a catchy little line and to think I just made that up..." (okay, for all of you younger readers, you might want to google Joe Biden and plagerism to understand that last line...)

National News

Congress to Consider Gassy Measure

Congressman Richard Gassy (I) has written and submitted a bill that could possibly affect American foreign policy.

"Basically the bill says we can't invade any more countries that might affect gas prices. If we feel the need to invade somewhere then we will have to consider only those nations who do not produce, refine, or use oil. Everytime we invade an oil producing country our gas prices go up at the pump and quite frankly I'm going to have vote myself another raise just to keep my Hummer full." Opponents of the bill are saying that severely limits invasion options for the U.S.

"This bill basically leaves the Sahara desert, the lower Congo, Antartica, Greenland, and one of those Z countries in Africa. What fun would any of those places be for our invading forces? We're talking nothing much more than taking land only fit for baboons and penguins. I don't see this bill making through the debate phase," countered Congresswoman Charlene Ruger (R).

"Did George come up with this bill? Sounds like a George bill to me. Last year he caused the hurricanes, yesterday a tsunami, and today he is trying to tell us where and who we can invade. I guarantee if we ask him if he thought up this bill we will deny it. Me thinks he doth protest too much. You like that quote? I just made it up," stated Sen. Joe Biden.

The bill should come up for debate at the end of the week and possibly for vote by November.

State News

What's in a Name?

The debate over whether gubanatorial candidates Carolyn "Grandma" Strayhorn and Richard "Kinky" Friedman can use their nicknames on the ballots for the November election has heated up with Strayhorn threatening to sue for the right of choosing her nome de plume. Kinky Friedman's own father was surprised to find out his son's name was Richard but said he thought people would figure out that the only Friedman on the ballot had to be the Kinky one.

When questioned about his opinion on the matter, a befuddled Governor Rick Perry queried, "Why all the talk about kinky grandmas? I've told you folks they never convicted my grandma and all those rumors were never proven."

Volunteering Corner

Bucket Brigade Volunteers Needed

As wildfires sweep across Texas the need for bucket brigade volunteers has increased. Local Volunteer Fire Department Captain, Joe Bob McCloskey, insists the lack of volunteers could threaten the ability of rural volunteer fire departments from containing the acre eating blazes.

"Well, since the State cut fire hoses from the budget last year, we have had to go to bucket brigades to fill the trucks. Now with them fancy smancy hello copters flying in to drop water on the fires, we have to fill them up to and there ain't enough folks or buckets to take care of both truck or copter."

Captain McCloskey says if you want to volunteer you should show up at the View Volunteer Fire Department Hot Dog Extravaganza tomorrow night and sign up. "All volunteers will need to bring their own weiners and wire hangers for the cook out and if they have an extra bucket hanging around, they might want to bring it too. We work under the principle of 'many hands make the work lighter'. I think that Senator Joe Biden guy said that."

Editorial

Let's Get Busy in the Middle East

The recent esculation of military conflict in the Middle East has brought to our attention that our old policies simply aren't working. It looks like the Israelis, Iranians, and Syrians are wanting to fight so bad they can't stand it. Maybe it is time we consider another option beside diplomacy. I think it is time to find a neutral site for the three countries to come together and duke it out. Last man standing wins and the losers go home after giving up their weapons and commiting to world wide service doing something profitable, like finding old land mines and removing them.

Looking at a world atlas, specifically the Middle East map, you will see a perfect neutral site sits right in the middle of all three countries... a little place called Iraq. We could bring the U.S. troops home, let the three countries go at it and blow each other to bits and while they are at it, take care of the Iraqi insurgents, and when it was over, we could go back in and mop up the mess.

I know there are flaws in this plan such as what will our Congress and Senate fuss about if there isn't any Middle East to worry about anymore but I think we can rely on them to come up with something a little closer to home to quarrel over. While we are at it, I think we should invite North Korea to the fight too, heaven knows they want some international attention. Let these guys get busy and take each other out. We could make it the World Cup of Military Action and turn this whole fiasco into a fundraiser by taking bets on which country is going to win.

It is time to let these folks do what they do best and for us to get out of the way. Let 'em fight. Let 'em whack each other. Let 'em turn all that sand into one big piece of glass. Don't worry, CNN, Fox, and MSBC will still find news to report and distort. Trust me and let the boys fight.

Movie Review

Kelly's Heroes

I watched this old classic this past weekend and was reminded why I liked it so much. A stellar cast of Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, Caroll O'Connor, and Donald Sutherland bring this WW2 vintage flick to life as they plot and plan on how to take 25 million dollars worth of gold bars from an Italian bank behind enemy lines. The story line is great, the characters fun, and the music is catchy.

This movie deserves all the quills as it reminds us there are still good movies to be made but until they make the screen, we have great classics such as this flick to fall back on.

Disclaimer: The Tuesday Tidbits denies any semblance of being a serious reporter of the news and mildy claims that some of the facts presented here are hardly accurate, quotable, or capable of documentation. Use at your own risk.