Italian Arias

Last night at a local service organization's awards banquet, I was treated to four Italian arias by a local music professor. She sang acapella, had a wonderful voice, great expression, and did the gracious thing by telling her audience the words in English before launching off into the aria. I watched folks around the room nodding appreciatively as some even mumbled the words in English as she sang them.

What a talent!

What a voice!

What a treat!

Okay, I won't keep shovelling it because those folks who know me also know that my opinion of opera is rather low. Frankly, I don't understand it. No, I don't understand people wanting to sit through a couple of hours of slow moving melodramatic acting while opera singers assault the eardrums of innocent cockroaches*. Really, if we wanted to listen to music in a foreign language, wouldn't it make more sense to turn on your radio and find a Tejano or Rap station? At least you could punch the buttons every so often and get a breath of live giving classic rock or Celtic music, saving yourself from hours of tedious musical flagellation.

I do appreciate the talent it takes to sing opera. I appreciate the intricacies of mastering Italian, French, German, or whatever language the opera is being sung in. Maybe what I don't appreciate or should I say "can't appreciate" is the idea listening to such caterwauling is considered being cultured. Yeah, call me a Bubba because, yes, I would much rather listen to music I understand, watch plays that have an interesting plot and enjoy witty dialogue. Egads, I am practically a libertine. Perhaps deep down I am really just jealous of those who can understand and enjoy a good Italian aria... nah.

Now excuse me as I purge my soul with a dose of Lynard Skynard.

* Do cockroaches have eardrums? Are there really innocent cockroaches? Questions to ponder in another post.

Thirteen Rotten Things I Did as a Kid

Here is my Thursday Thirteen...

1. Tossed firecrackers underneath rocking cars with fogged windows at Southeast Park.

2. Gave a kid the wrong answers to tests. If they were too lazy to study then I was too lazy to give them the right answers.

3. Whacked a bull's testicles with a rock from my slingshot after being convinced by a brother and cousin this would be a fun thing to do. This one about got me killed. Bulls don't take such activities lightly.

4. Burned the clutch out of my grandparent's pick up doing donuts in a plowed field. Yeah, I had to help pay for a new one.

5. Convinced a neighborhood kid he had killed his older brother with a clod during a clod fight and that he should leave home immediately before the cops came and took him away forever. He almost made the highway before he saw his brother riding his bike...

6. Filled a kid's trombone with crushed ice. Interesting sound...

7. Covered a kid with tumbleweeds. I should say he was terrified of tumbleweeds.

8. Melted a kid's Tonka toy dump truck with gunpowder. Gunpowder burns extremely hot.

9. Convinced the potentially murderous neighborhood kid that we should build the world's largest Moltov Cocktail. We filled a 4 ft. flourescent light bulb with gas, but a rag in it, lit it and tossed it against the burn barrels. Took months for our eyebrows to grow back.

10. Ruined my brother's bike, Part I. Ran his Spyder bike at full speed into the garage door, busting the fork off of the main frame. The one time the brakes fail...

11. Ruined my brother's bike, Part II. After getting a haircut in town, I was riding home when I pulled off the sidewalk into the main street and was hit by a truck. Bikes don't do well when hit by trucks.

12. I took care of my neighbor's chickens when they were out of town. They had a rooster who loved to spur unsuspecting kids so I let him have it with an egg. Egg covered roosters get pecked by all of the other 100+ chickens...Ever seen a featherless rooster? He never spurred me again though...

13. Convinced a kid in the youth group that our parents would enjoy hearing his burping Jesus Loves Me on talent night. Who knew parents were so uptight about religious songs?

How to Make a Minor Prophet

I just finished a class for a small church in a small town. We covered the ever popular Minor Prophets (one of my favorite group of books) who most folks can't even name, much less care what they had to say. One of the more popular statements/questions I heard was "Why did they make this so hard to read? Have you ever read any of this?" Hmm, yes I have and knowing you don't have enough time in thirteen weeks to get people to appreciate the nuances of the 12 books you work on getting the major themes covered. So tonight is the last night of the class and they know they will be coming in for a test.

Now I try to make my tests fun and try to make them fairly easy. To take away test anxiety, I split up the room into teams. Everyone works together on their team and the team that finishes first wins a prize. Below is a sample from the test. Try your luck and see if you get the answers right...

1. Haggai wanted the people to go to the mountains for what? A. To get wood for a doozy of a barbecue B. To reconnect with their inner being C. To get materials for the temple

2. What did the rejected shepherd of Zechariah do with the two staffs, Favor and Union(NIV)? A. He broke them B. He rubbed them together to make a fire C. He played fetch with his trained sheep named Earl.

3. In apocalyptic genres, we are to take the images and A. wash their mouths out with soap b. literally c. as symbolic.

4. Gomer was A. a marine who served under Sgt. Carter b. the prostitute who married Hosea c. Micah’s horse.

5. A typical locust plague lasted A. 5 months B. 5 years C. 5 nanoseconds

6. Who was robbing God? A. the temple priests B. Jesse and Frank James C. The I.R.S.

7. Edom was condemned in Obadiah for A. playing with a pair of loaded dice B. giving Judah grief during their time of trial C. for licking the center out of their Oreos

8. A "day of the Lord" meant A. everyone had a day off B. you could get 25% off on all items down at Achmed’s C. a day of judgment was coming.

9. Habakkuk was confident that God’s goodness would prevent him from A. using a foreign army to punish his people B. letting Achmed’s horse win at the Judah Derby C. making the people eat liver.

10. What did it cost Hosea to get his wife back? A. 15 shekels B. 15 minutes of fame C. his soul

Yeah, I know, way too easy although some folks might debate the answer on #10. If you are feeling cocky, here are another 8 for you to take a shot at...


1. God preferred justice, humility, and mercy over A. sacrifice B. chocolate C. a really cool ride.

2. Jonah wanted to die when A. the Assyrians were wearing white after September B. he consumed a bad burrito C. his vine got wormy.

3. In the locust plagues of Joel, the locusts keep eating until A. the cows come home B. all vegetation was gone C. there was nothing left to eat but liver (which is why they died after five months...ooooo a hint for a previous question!).

4. God’s displeasure at the priests in Malachi was shown when he threatened to A. cover them in honey and stake them to ant beds B. make them eat liver C. smear their faces in offal.

5. Amos said he wasn’t A. a prophet or the son of a prophet B. going to eat his lima beans and you couldn’t make him C. able to eat just one potato chip.

6. Obadiah said the people of Edom would be defeated despite their A. good looks B. living among the crags of their mountain fortress C. running the spread offense.

7. Zechariah had a vision of a woman A. in a basket B. being on time C. driving without stopping and asking for directions.

8. Because of Judah’s unfaithfulness, God broke A. bread with them B. his covenant with them C. a nail.

Well let me know how you did, you Minor Prophet scholars you...

Tuesday Tidbits 9/25/06

Tuesday Tidbits - dedicated to the discovery of dirt....or truth, you be the judge.

International News

Saddam is Tossed Again!

Saddam Hussein was ejected from his genocide trial for the second consecutive day following heated arguments with the chief judge Tuesday. Saddam's former defense minister, Sultan Hashim Ahmad al-Tai, was ejected for shouting at judge Mohammed Oreibi al-Khalifa for throwing out the deposed leader.

The outburst began when Saddam refused to remain silent after repeated requests by al-Khalifa, the head of the five-member judges' panel. Saddam, clutching his Muslim holy book — the Quran — tried to make a statement, interrupting the prosecution's questioning of a witness.

"You are a defendant and I'm the judge," al-Khalifa said, telling Saddam to sit down. “I am the boss here and you must sit down and shut up!” Saddam refused and replied, “You’re not the boss of me! You’re not the boss of me!”

Saddam's six co-defendants then began to shout. “You’re not the boss of me either!”

"Shut up, no one may speak!" al-Khalifa shouted, pointing his finger at the defendant. "That is when the court decided to eject Saddam Hussein from the courtroom," al-Khalifa added.

Saddam left with a smile. “Good, I was afraid I was about to miss Judge Judy. Now there is a real judge!” The other defendants stood up in protest and demanded they leave too as they didn’t want to miss out on Judge Judy, but the judge refused.

Al-Tai, a defense minister under Saddam and one of six co-defendants in the trial, was the most vocal, shouting insults at al-Khalifa. "I'm not sitting down!" shouted al-Tai, pointing his finger at the judge. "I served in the army for 44 years and no one dared to shout at me. We are polite and well behaved. We did our killing without a lot of noise. We dropped a few canisters of gas on a few thousand Kurds and we did it without a lot of fanfare and hooplah. We deserve respect for being so quiet and so well behaved during our killings."

The trial will continue today.

National News

Liquids are Cleared to Fly

Having a change of heart, Homeland Security has decided to allow certain liquids to be carried by passengers. “It is all about being practical and using a little common sense when it comes to the safety of passengers on planes,” Director of Liquid Management, Bob Hastings said. “We decided we may have gone a little overboard when we stopped allowing nursing mothers on planes with their mother’s milk. We actually did some testing to make sure you couldn’t inject Cimtex into a woman’s… uh… well you know. We decided the possibility of such a thing was infeasible… somewhere around the tenth time we got slapped silly.”

Passengers will be able to carry lotions and gels onto airliners again after a six-week ban — but only in tiny containers of 3 ounces or less and only if they're in clear zip-top plastic bags. Starting today, air travelers also will be able to buy drinks or other liquids or gels at shops inside airport security checkpoints and carry them on board under partially relaxed anti-terror rules.


State News

Local Man’s Death is Being Considered a Homicide

A local man’s death has been moved up to a possible homicide. Joe Bob Gowdy, who was found on a deserted airport road with multiple gunshot wounds to the back, is now being semi-considered as a homicide victim. Local Police Chief Billy Roy Gunter defended the move.

“Well we find there are some pretty interesting evidence that would point to this being a killing instead of a suicide. For instance, there is no gun found at the scene. Lots of casings, but no gun. And how about all those suspicious looking tire tracks we found in the muddy field here? See they are going away from the body through that field and end up at Mr. Gowdy’s ex-wife’s place. Now it would take a big ol’ 4 wheel drive truck to make it through that mud and we don’t see any suspicious vehicles like that around. Yeah it is possible he shot himself in the back and then ate the gun, but we won’t know if that is the case until we get the autopsy back. Until then, we are gonna treat this one like it was a homicide.”

We talked with the ex Mrs. Gowdy who was washing her Toyota 4 Runner trying to get all of the mud out from underneath the flaps. When asked about the her ex’s death, Ms. Gowdy stated that it sure looked like suicide to her because, “Oh Joe Bob said when he couldn’t take it any more he would take a 9mm and shoot himself in the back. 14 times… just to make sure it took. I guess he wasn’t kidding. Now if you don’t mind, I need to finish washing this 4 Runner. Mind handing me a fresh rag? They are in the front seat under my Smith and Wesson 809.”

The police are looking for possible suspects and ask if anyone who might have been in the area of the airport last night to call if they say any suspicious activity.

Editorial

The Fine Art of Road Construction/Repair

One of the great privileges of being an adult is the joy of paying taxes. The constant gifting of our hard earned money to the government allows them to take care of us in the forms of police and fire protection, military services, public health services, and one of my favorites, keeping our roads in pristine shape… whenever they feel such a condition is warranted.

Road Construction/Repair is more of a metamorphosis than a process as every road appears to go through the pollination, fertilization, a laying of eggs, a pupae stage, until the final unveiling of the mature road, ready for us to use and abuse again. Allow me to walk you through these stages of life.

Pollination begins when a certain politician’s family member loses a small foreign vehicle in a crater that has been strategically placed in the passing lane of a main thoroughfare. Constant griping and nagging from the family member piques the interest of the politician prompting them to head into the fertilization stage.

Fertilization occurs when the politician, staying within their species, seeks another insect with the same genes and injects them with the seed of life, money. The female insect, commonly called a contractor, takes the gift given to it by the politician, a rather insanely generous portion, I might add, and mixing it with its genes starts the process of laying an egg.

Laying an egg is not an easy proposition as it requires excavation of the current road to lay the egg in as there are plenty of predators who would love to steal the egg and devour it. These predators are commonly called union laborers and have to be distracted by the insects until they can get the road into an acceptable state of disarray, totally camouflaging the process of road construction. During this stage of growth we have to allow nature to take its course during the slow process of pupae development.

The developing pupae require absolute quiet so the insects go through great pains to make sure the road stays completely free of traffic by placing up signs that say such warnings as; detour, people at work, slow, speed limits greatly reduced, and the ever popular, fines will be doubled during working hours. Traffic slows to a crawl as the pupae slowly produces wings in the form of base being laid, asphalt being placed, and then the packing by slow behemoths who insist on traversing the full length of the pupae at an agonizing speed of 5 mph.

The glorious day of the new road emerging to spread its wings is greeted with the removal of signs and cars once again driving at reasonable pace. The regeneration of life has been completed and proud parents, politician and contractor both, proudly point to their offspring while examining the landscape for another chance to pollinate.

Enjoy that road construction that has you crawling at a pace that would make a turtle laugh because friend, you are watching the miracle of life.

Non-Profit News

Local Volunteers Revitalize City Park

A group of volunteers gathered at Byron Gilgood Park to bring back the natural condition of the park through a project called “Bring Back Byron.” Lead organizer, Betty Bilbrey, was quick to exclaim that the project was a complete success.

“Byron Gilgood was this town’s first official drunk who would spend most evenings in the vacant lot that is not Byron Gilgood Park. The city came in and scraped off the top of the vacant lot and put in meditation circles, walking paths, and all kinds of sensory gardens to promote a sense of serenity within its borders. A few of the citizens of this town who knew Byron Gilgood well, were concerned the town had lost sight of what Byron was all about so we worked all day Saturday and through most of Sunday morning to bring the park back to a state of Byronesque beauty.”

Walking us around the park, Ms. Bilbrey pointing out the newly constructed fountain made of empty beer bottles with a few gin bottles mixed in for color. A row of folks so totally plastered lay scattered in multiple positions among the sensory gardens and the smell of regurgitation had tastefully masked the scent of desert sage and lilacs. It is clear these volunteers have accomplished their goal and brought the Byron Gilgood Park back to a state that only Byron could appreciate.

The town officials aren’t taking to the project lightly as they have removed the bottle fountain and stated such fountains would not be allowed in the park under any circumstances. “This is obviously a form of artistic oppression,” Ms. Bilbrey vehemently stated. “We won’t be kept from honoring Byron’s memory by a few stodgy ol’ soreheads. We’ll keep building bottle fountains until they allow it stay.”

Ms. Bilbrey said anyone who would like to participate in the renovation of Byron Gilgood Park can meet Ms. Bilbrey and other volunteers at the park around sunset on Saturday and plan to work through early Sunday morning. All volunteers are reminded to bring their own sculpting materials for the bottle fountain.

Movie Review

I had the pleasure of watching Lucky Number Slevin and for a Bruce Willis flick, it was quite good. Witty and snappy banter make the film fun and while there is a multitude of violent scenes, you hardly notice as the twists and subplots are skillfully carried out by Morgan Freeman, Sir Ben Kingsley, and Lucy Liu. I would warn you this is not a movie for children as there is language involved.

A guest who never arrives...

Ever wait expectantly for a guest to arrive only to have waited in vain? Not the best of feelings one can experience but it happens. How do you handle it? It seems the options are limited:

Anger - but does that ever really accomplish anything?

Hurt - hmm, sort of a pathetic route to take

Indignant - that seems a form of self serving snobbery

Indifference - lying to yourself doesn't seem like much of an option, does it?

Sadness - this one seems to be the best option as it can fit nicely in a bruised heart.

Welp, that's all I've got on a Sunday afternoon. Time to go pick at the banjo.

Would You Like to See That?

I was walking out of the supermarket last night when I overheard two elderly ladies having the following discussion.

"We could go on over there and I could show you where I went to school and where I grew up. Would you like that?" the smaller of the two ladies asked. She was definitely the more "with it" of the two and was guiding the taller lady towards the store entrance.

"I dunno. What would we do?"

"Why I could show you everything about my home town and tell you all the stories about the town. The old school is still there and most of the old businesses where I spent my time as a child. Would you like to see that?"

"I dunno."

I wanted to shout, "Hey lady, I would love to see that! Can I come along?" The history of small towns that are slowly dwindling away just fascinates me and what better way to spend a day than to hear the stories of her small town as seen through her eyes. I didn't holler out to her as I'm sure she would've been freaked out by a complete stranger asking to ride along on her trip down memory lane. For all I know she would've pulled a can of pepper spray and treated me to an intimate moment with the asphalt which is something I could really do without.

Instead, I watched them shuffle into the store and wondered if she ever talked the taller lady into going with her. I'm thinking probably not but maybe she did and maybe she was able to revisit some of her own memories.

Alex Haley once said that when an old person dies it is like a library burning to the ground. All of that information is gone forever. I think he was dead on. How much of history is lost in the death of the unheard?

I guess what bothers me most is that too many times as people enter the autumn of their lives we fail to enjoy the brilliancy of the colors displayed in their memories as they slowly lose them in their journey towards the winter of life. (Okay, that was a sappy metaphoric bit of commentary but hey, creative license, right?). Soon all we are left with are a few pictures, if we are lucky, a conversation or two with someone who knew them and the vibrancy of their moment in the fabric of human history fades forever.

Now looking back, I wish I would've said, "Yes ma'am, I would like to see that."

Today is Chocolate Day

I know you thought today was the first day of Autumn, and it is, but it is also National Chocolate Day. For those out there who adore chocolate, today is your day to choc on out and get that total sugar buzz that comes from an overindulgence in the finer offerings from the chocolate families.

Me, I like the Toblerone... excellent stuff but I do watch my intake only partaking on special occasions and who knows, maybe today is such an occasion. Might just have to take a trip down to Walgreens and pick up one of those triangular tasty treats.

So what is your favorite type of chocolate?

Some more Raymondisms

I used an expression from my friend Raymond in my previous post and it just spurred all sorts of memories of some of his great expressions. I thought I would post some of them just for prosperiety sake.

• Oooooooo this is so good it'll make you want to slap your momma. (Generally this was said after he had just had tasted something most excellent. As a cook, I always thought it was the best of compliments.)
• Sometimes a man just needs a good beatin' to set him straight. I think the Lord understands that... Give me just ten minutes with him and I will guarantee that he will have as thorough of a beating he can get and he will see the world differently when his eyes finally open. (I should mention that Raymond used to make a living from local bar owners who paid him to go start a fight in a competitors bar... to say he had seen the rougher side of life would be an understatement.)
• Man, you cook good enough to work for the governor. (This was not a compliment as he was referring to cooks in the prison system, a system he spent eight years in for armed robbery.)
• Man, your guitar playing is bringing tears to my eyes. (Another slam as Raymond was an exceptional musician and if you were bringing tears to his eyes, your playing was pretty horrible.)
• You know, my old lady and I get along because we are so agreeable. We agree that we can't stand each other. (His marriage did end up in a divorce and that is when he left town. I guess he lost the right to live here in the divorce decree.)
• You know the best two things in life are fishing and sex. You have to work hard at getting them to take the bait and even then you are at the mercy of luck and the weather. From the looks of thing it is going to be a bad day for both. (This statement was usually followed by an hour of funny ancedotes about his relationships so I never got around to asking how the weather affected women. I'm thinking I probably don't want to know.)
• Are you having a good day Doc? Wife treating you right? You weren't fighting or anything this morning were you? No offense, but I need you to be in a good mood and concentrating on your work...(He said this line right before he went into surgery. I still think it is probably one of the most excellent questions a person could ask a surgeon on the day of surgery.)

Welp, I haven't seen Raymond in years. I miss our conversations and I miss how he could make me laugh so hard. I hope wherever he is that he is in a "Slap me silly and call me Shorty" state of mind.

Slap me silly and call me shorty

I had a great friend who would always exclaim, "Well slap me silly and call me Shorty" whenever he got excited about anything. It really didn't matter what the event was, it just mattered that he was thrilled with the possibilities. I love the expression and use it all the time whenever something great has just occurred.

I feel like I am on the edge of such a moment. If everything works right, I will be helping my son move back home. His current situation isn't the best and it will be a great opportunity for him to start over in a safe place, something that is important to me and to him. I'm looking forward to having him back in Texas because before he left, we would take long walks, have great discussions, and enjoyed a friendship I'm not sure all dads get to enjoy with their sons. We don't always see everything in quite the same vein, but we do appreciate the other's opinion.

I consider myself blessed because I have four kids I'm proud of and who keep amazing me with their insights, humor, and how they keep getting through life's trials. I do wish I was closer to some of them but perhaps one of the characteristics I admire the most is their independence. Well this is starting to get sappy so I'll stop.

Yuppers, just slap me silly and call me Shorty...

Thursday Thirteen

1. Thirteen Beliefs of Frustrated1…. I believe Texas is the greatest state ever! I believe if you fish to catch fish, you've missed out on the serenity of the sport. I believe they should allow me to have flashing red and blue lights on my car so I can get through traffic quicker. I believe most men use maps instead of asking for directions because we really enjoy irritating the women who are with us. I believe there is a reason dogs howl when they hear C&W music I believe cats are true practioners of being a free spirit while dogs are practioners of compliance. I believe guys typically like their women like they like their pets (cat lovers enjoy free spirited women, dog lovers love compliant women... fish lovers probably have womb issues=insecure around non-matronly women...and bird lovers are probably perverted.) I believe spotted owls should be preserved. Pickling them is not a bad option as they should still be edible for at least a year. I believe in my 2nd Amendment rights. I believe most people enter into politics for noble reasons and soon find themselves having to be ignoble to survive the political environment. I believe in the U.N. Yup, I believe in the U.N. moving to France. I believe most politicians have the desire to do good. I believe most politicians choose not to... Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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How much is too much?

This week I've talked to several friends who have gone through a tremendous amount of stress and pain.

One has lost a grandchild through a miscarriage, his mom is in the last days of a battle with cancer, and to make his life even more rosey, he is having to fight a State agency over the maintaining of a non-profit organization that benefits people with mental retardation and mental health issues.

Another friend has to deal with problems they are having with their ex. Painful problems where a child, drug abuse, and financial security are all involved.

One thing is for sure, there are no easy answers to either one of their problems and I have to wonder how much is too much? The ol' brain can only take so much stress before it starts affecting the body. I know in my times of deepest stress I wish I could've escaped, even for a moment. So for them, I offer up the next little ditty...

I wish I could step away
From my current trial
And spend a carefree day
Complete with total denial.

Sit on a bank and fish
Walk in a park or play
Doing whatever I wish
On this problem free day.

Relax and read a book
Or get in my car and go
Taking the time to look
Enjoying nature's show.

Whatever I chose to do
Instead of facing my trial
Would surely help me through
If I could step away for awhile.

To my friends, stick in there as this too will pass.

Tuesday Tidbits 9/19

Another rousing edition of half truths, exaggerated stories, and a little leg pulling on the events of the day.

International News

Muslims Want the Pope to be More Apologetic

After reading an ancient text that described Islam as "evil and inhuman," and paying special attention to Mohammed's command "to spread by the sword the faith,"the Pope has been asked to deepen his apology of "I'm sorry you were offended" to "Please, kill me, an infidel dog who doesn't deserve to live in your feces."

The Pope has not commented on the new demands of apologetic rhetoric and is considering taking up Turkey's mandate of no apology, no visit. "Turkey isn't that great of a place to hang with the peeps, you know? They seem to hate anything not Muslim and I'm thinking I'm about as non-Muslim as you can get," his Holiness told reporters.

Muslim leaders are indignant over the speech and are clamoring for the "Salmon Rushdie" clause that states millions of dollars will be paid to the person who knocks off the Pope. When reminded they never caught Salmon Rushdie, the Muslim leaders were quick to add, "We're working on it."

The Reverand Jesse Jackson has offered to mediate a peaceful apology for both sides and as of this writing, is still waiting to hear back from both parties who have both mentioned they'll consider his offer when a major weather change occurs in hell.

National News

A Mourning Nation Awaits Autopsy Report Daniel Smith

Daniel Smith's body, the 20 year old body of the son of Anna Nicole Smith, is still waiting to be autopsied for the second time. After his mother found him dead in her hospital room, many have speculated the untimely death might be drug related, despite the first sutopsy's findings that stated there were no drugs in the boy's body.

Experts in the States are thinking death might have come from a rarely fatal disease called, "ohjeezitsmymotherdoingsomethingembarassingagain."

"We literally have billions of reportable cases of ohjeezitsmymotherdoingsomethingembarassingagain each year but this is the first time somebody of note has died from it," psychiatrist Dr. Leslie Diamond said to a crowd of reporters standing in front of the morgue where the second autopsy will take place. "I think perhaps Ms. Smith is concerned such a fatality might hurt her stellar career so a drug overdose would be easier to bear."

At this writing, we are still trying to find out what stellar career Dr. Diamond was talking about.

State News

Ann Richards Is Put to Rest

Former Governor of Texas, Ann "Poor George" Richards, was laid to rest in the Texas State Cemetery on Monday. As thousands paid their last respects in the Frank Irwin Center, local morticians struggled with the closing of the casket on this great Texas legend.

"Egad, I've never seen so much skin. Just wrinkle after wrinkle, I didn't think we would ever get it all stuffed into that coffin. It is amazing, it was like those wrinkles started to grow on us and we couldn't get the lid down," Ralph Roberts of Austin's Ed's Ethereal Emporium of Exiting. "Yup, it was a challenge but we finally got it done. Had to put a couple of big rocks on the top to make sure the lid stayed closed but I'm pretty sure the Governor will be okay and will stay in her coffin."

Present Governor, Rick Perry, was quick to add, "I hope so, that lady gave me the heebie jeebies."

Editorial

Camel Cigarettes Craft Clever Campaign

As I was checking out at the local Skinny's, my eye caught a poster announcing the Camel short and wide pack. It seems you can smoke your Camel quicker but the wider body allows you to take in the same amount of nicotine. What a novel idea! Shouldn't we take the great lesson offered to us here and apply it to everything else?

For instance, why don't we have shorter but wider syringes for herion? You might even expand the needle a bit so you can spend less time injecting and more time flying. Perhaps we could utilize the same principle with fast food too... shorter pieces that are extremely wide. Oh wait, we have that already and we call it pizza. My bad.

The fact of the matter is the use of marketing to further the self-destructive behavior of the masses is an intriguing episode in the drama of humanity. We will repackage those harmful elements so you can enjoy them in a whole new venue that will let you experience death in a new and improved manner. Somehow I think we like the illusion of new and improved so much we don't care how it is applied.

So what's next? Al Quaida supplying a shorter, but more heavily armed, suicide bomber? Egad.

Sports

College Football Gets Better and Better

I love the college football scene and as more of the top teams tumble, it gets even more fun. Looking down the road, some of the top teams have really tough games but West Virginia only has one obstacle which makes me think they make cake walk into the National Championship. Hmm... I guess all that matters is that Texas gets into a BCS game and then the world will be at peace. Happy sigh...

No movie review this week... maybe next week.

As always, quote at your own risk.

Signs The Hotel You Are Staying At Is In Trouble

I am a board member for a small local non-profit and this past weekend was our regional conference and meeting. We were booked to stay in a hotel that once was a Holiday Inn but had been sold to someone else who is obviously trying to refurbish and renovate the six story hotel in a low budget way. Here are some of the signs that things may not be going well for them.

1. When the only guests booked are from your small conference.
2. When the parking lot is totally empty except for a few state vehicles.
3. When you walk into the lobby and smell a strong sewer smell and the clerk cheerfully tells you, "Oh, it's only gas. Don't worry about it."
4. The halls and lobby aren't air-conditioned.
5. Your room has a spiritual feel to it because the furniture is "holey"
6. Your room has an HBO guide in it and the television guide says you can watch HBO on channel 67. Your TV only has 62 channels...
7. The clerk is still wearing her scrubs from her shift at the local hospital.
8. The waitress at the breakfast bar tells you they brew coffee only when it is needed so it may be a few minutes before she can get you a cup of coffee.
9. The Sports Bar is closed to licensing issues a few technocalities they have with the State.
10. Your maid service has only one cart for the whole hotel.
11. The soaps and shampoos don't match.
12. Your towels, which are supposed to be white, are all different shades of white.
13. The water in your shower starts off being the color of rust.
14. Pet hair is on the bedspread.
15. The air-conditioners in the rooms are on timers.
16. The complimentary newspaper has been stamped to say they have charged you .13 cents for the newspaper but if you don't read it, you can return it to the front desk for a .13 cents refund.
17. Your lobby furniture has been decorated with plastic flowers... not the nicer silk kind, but the dollar store kind.
18. The night time clerk wears kevlar.
19. There is a sign in the hall that says, "Please respect the privacy of other guests and take your gunfights outside."
20. The cockroach sitting on the toilet, reading your .13 newspaper while smoking a cigar, says, "How ya doing. If you want some coffee make it yourself. I made it last night. Now shut the door, I like my privacy."

Thursday Thirteen

It is Fair Week in our town and so I thought I would list the Thirteen Things I Like About the Fair!

1. Exhorbant prices. Nothing says you've had the Fair Experience like getting gouged for a corndog.

2. Carnies. "Just one ball in a bowl wins you a prize! Come on, show your lady your skill and shoot out the red star for a spectacular prize! Put a ring on a bottle and win big! Banned from three continents for scaring innocent women and children, it's the world's hairiest woman. Step right up to see this freak of nature!" I have noticed they never give away prizes that would mean something to them like a bar of soap... a wash rag... maybe a bottle of cologne...

3. The rides. Call me anal but hearing a supporting strut creak every time the bulk of the weight comes around to it makes me think a little thing call metal fatigue just might be happening. I guess it is alright though because everyone is already screaming.

4. The food. I thoroughly enjoy the smell of grease infused food and yes, the food is actually quite yummy... all the way to the rides where you get to revisit it again as it leaves your body in a projectile manner. Luckily we have many local vendors who do a fine job with their offerings of culinary delights and they are quite enjoyable.

5. Enough with the sarcasm. I do like to look at the livestock exhibits. Working with cows and sheep during my younger days, I can appreciate the excellent standards represented in each breed. Cows are just the most contented of animals so maybe I just enjoy walking through all that cud chewing contentment.

6. I like to watch the faces of the kids. They are so excited and when you combine that with sugar shocked stimuli overload, they are a hoot to watch.

7. I like to watch people who are looking at the contest entries. Forgive me, but if you are getting excited over a jar of pickled okra because the presentation is superior to the other fifty jars present, I'm thinking you might need to get out a little more.

8. I love going to the fair during election time. I sign up all my friends for the "Yes, please put a sign in my yard" at each candidates table. Hey, they all need a little entertainment and this type is totally free.

9. This year they had an Iron Jack competition demonstration. Two exceptionally talented lumberjacks competing in all sorts of fun events including log rolling, log sawing, chopping, chainsaws, etc. They were funny and good which makes this activity quite fun for everyone.

10. The Petting Zoo. I think it's cool to feed and pet the animals.

11. Finding the Fair Fiend. Every night there is at least one unofficial Fair Fiend. You know who I am talking about... that one person who has spent a gazillion dollars on the games and is now walking down the Midway like he is king of the world because he and his girl are carrying armloads of stuffed animals, plastic toys, and wearing balloon crowns. I guess it is his night to be king and he should enjoy it to the max. You go Fair Fiend! You da man!

12. I always like the Fun Houses. Anything that jacks with your sense of balance and your brain is great stuff.

13. Walking around and taking all of the action in with friends you enjoy hanging with. That really makes the Fair Experience worthwhile.

You may think after reading this list of 13 that I do not like going to the Fair. I actually do enjoy going but only if friends are there with me. They are the ones that make the whole experience fun.

A Lack of Dreams

I sip my coffee slowly
Listening to other's dreams
And feel a little lowly
As dreams I've never seen.

One dreams in vivid hues
One dreams in contrast
One's dreams appear askew
Caught between present and past.

I wish I had experienced them
And could join these bards
Offering interpretations on REM's
Creative morphic shards.

But I can't as I don't see
The images born on the abyss
Left to leech off dreamers three
Wondering what I've really missed.

So if you remember your dreams
Appreciate your blessed flight
As you share what you have seen
With those of us without sight.

I don't dream and can really only remember those few images crossing my subconscious at the waking point of the night's slumber. Medication takes me immediately to Beta sleep so I miss out on REM which means I miss out on dreaming. There is an envy in me for those of you who can dream and remember them vividly. What a wonderful conduit for your creative process as your subconsious runs wilds while your body rests.

Hmm, I guess I suffer from dream envy. Wonder what Freud would say about that?

Tuesday Tidbits 9/12/06

Dedicated to distorting the facts in a fun way...

International News

Syrian Terrorists Try to Attack U.S. Embassy... in Syria!

Three assailants and a member of Syria's anti-terror squad were killed Tuesday in a shootout during the bid to storm the embassy, which came just a day after the fifth anniversary of the September 11 attacks on the United States in 2001.

"The terrorist attack failed. It did not achieve the objectives of the mission as these boneheads couldn't throw a grenade out of a paper sack," Interior Minister General Bassam Abdel Majid during a visit to the scene of the attack, the state news agency SANA reported. "We are feeling the pressure of having to use inferior suicide bombers as our current supply has dwindled dramatically which produces such shoddy work as this. Really, trying to toss grenades out of the car hoping to hit an embassy when your windows are rolled up? Forgetting to ignite the van full of explosives when you are running away from the scene? Rookies. Amateurs. Not that we are hoping for them to succeed, afterall we shot them all down. Right?"

All embassy officials and family are safe.

In a totally unrelated story (I'm sure), Syrian officials are requiring all potential suicide bombers to attend a mandatory grenade tossing, window rolling down, and explosive igniting inservice.

National News

Detroit School Teachers Continue Strike

Thousands of Detroit school teachers continue to walk the picket lines in spite of a Circuit Judge's order to return to work. Signs along the picket proclaim the teacher's position on their current contract with slogans of "We Work Gooder Than You Pay", "Hell No, We Won't Return", "Teachers Need Loving To", and "George Washington Freed the Slaves! Whom is Going to Free Us?"

State law allows the courts to assess fines and other penalties for employees who ignore back-to-work orders. Judge Susan Borman will be considering such action today as she enters into meeting with the District Attourney's office to discuss enforcement of the court order. "I'm seriously considering sending them all to detention and have the kids monitor them," the judge stated to a crowd of angry parents.

"We needs these teachers back in the school and our kids off the street. Heaven knows we tired of having to mess wit 'em at home," a distressed mother of three told reporters. "It time to get back to educating these kids and get those teachers off the street. I've done missed my stories for two weeks now and I don't like it when I miss my stories."

Both parties are expected to meet back at the bargaining table later today. We can only hope...

State News

State Fairs Opening Across the State

September in Texas means one thing, State Fairs are coming to town! As cities across the state watch midways rise up out of the dirt at their local fairgrounds, citizens start drooling in anticipation of spending huge amounts of cash for grease saturated foods, cheap prizes won at rigged games, and exhorbant admissions into spinning traps of death affectionately called "rides." Area ranchers and farmers bring in samples of their livestock and crops to compete against each other, all hoping to win the Best in Show ribbon that they can proudly display in their living room next to the picture of ol' Bessy who won Best Milk Cow back in 1958.

This year the competitions will be even tougher as fair promoters will be giving gas coupons out instead of cash prizes. Local promoter Candy Wymen was quick to note a 45% increase in the entries. "I'm not saying all the entries are of the same quality of years past but there are definitely more of them. I had a gentleman trying to show a clump of Johnson Grass in the Hay Competition and technically, since it is a grass that can be mowed and packed into a hay bale, we have to let him show it. I guess the part that ticks me off is the obviously sliced up candy bars that are showing up in the candy competition. Folks will do anything to get a shot at getting gas."

This editor kindly reminds his readers if gas is all you are interested in getting, you might try the Aggies Bowl of Bean special in the food court and polish it off with a twice fried corndog for good measure.

Editorial

Is There a Need for a 9-11 Memorial?

When it comes to constructing a memorial for the 2,700+ people who died at the hands of terrorists on 9-11 I have to wonder if the best memorial we could offer wouldn't be leaving the huge hole found at ground zero. Would anything bring these people back to mind than to look down into the hole where tall proud buildings once stood? I am not against a statue or even a granite monument being constructed on site, but I do question raising money for a museum or elaborate structure when the best response to the terrorists would be to build a usable building where commerce could once again thrive on a site once considered useless.

I look at the memorials placed at the Federal Building in Oklahoma City and find a tasteful, but yet emotional, monument reminding everyone of those who died at the hands of a whacko. However, the biggest comment on a bad situation is looking above the memorial to see the building he tried to take out still standing and in use despite the his attempt to level it.

I say we build on top of Ground Zero. Let us put that property back to use and somewhere on the grounds build a garden, or a monument, where visitors can still remember the tragedy of 9-11 but still take pride in the fact two planes toppling buildings couldn't take the resolve out of the American Dream of succeeding in a land of freedom.

Movie Review

I watched football this weekend instead of going to the movies but looking at the list of movies that are currently available, I do see some that I would like to see. Here are some I hope to see in the near future:

The Wicker Man
Invincible
Little Miss Sunshine
Crank

If you have seen any of these and want to comment on how good/bad they are to save me the bucks, I would appreciate it.

As always folks, Tuesday Tidbits is just a tad enhanced with bogus material... so quote with caution.

A Special Birthday Gift

Yesterday I held a birthday party at my place for a most special person who brings so much happiness and insight into my life. He lives in a local facility that is run by the state and does have MR so I can't give a name or even initials for that matter. I will simply refer to him as my friend.

I started up this relationship a few years ago and when I left my employment at this facility, I petitioned and became his advocate. We enjoy spending time together and my friend always enjoys our trips to the canteen, or to visit other friends he has around campus. He has taught me so much in the past few years that I know I will have always been the greatest beneficiary of this friendship.

His excitement of getting to come to my apartment where he knew he would get presents, enjoy a sandwich and chocolate milk, and to end the party with a birthday cake that had his name on it was infectious. He loved his gifts of a red insulated mug, a red cap, red tape, picture frames, keys, key chain, and his favorite beverages (all items that are important to him). We had a great time, talking about his presents and his plans for the future. My favorite part was when we were about to cut the cake and he reminded us that we had failed to sing "the song," and upon the singing, how quickly he demonstrated his joy of having friends with him on his birthday.

I think back to yesterday and realize how special this birthday party was because the best gift given was the gift of his friendship. You can't wrap that up in a box or stuff it in a bag. You can, however, totally enjoy this gift in every smile and appreciative nod that is given to you and best of all, treasure the moment spent in celebrating his life as it has enriched your own.

Happy Birthday my friend.

So I'm a D...

Went on a two day retrieat with our local Leadership group for the Chamber of Commerce and one of the excercises you do is take the DISC (Dominance Influence personality Steadiness Compliance) test that focuses on personalities found in the work place. Part of the exercise is for the group to gather in the category they were highest in. So I am looking at my scores (D=30 I=25 S=25 C=20) and listening to the instructor explain that people "like me" are:

Task Oriented

Autocratic

Team Leaders

Intense

Good at getting to the root of the problem

Enjoy challenges and being in control

Not trusting of others

Can be aggressive if angered

Have a hard time building relationships

Want team members to arrive with facts and stats so the job can get done

Do not like team members who are lazy, irresponsible, or clueless and tend to get rid of those who can't pull their weight

No, I think he said they enjoy firing people...

I would admit I have a most of those qualities but some of them are not in my make up. For one, I will dismiss a person who won't do their job or is obviously not a good fit for the organization but I hate those times when such action is required because it bothers me my decision will affect the person who is being dismissed as well as their families.

However, some of my colleagues really did enjoy firing people and had no problem giving them the axe. To say some of their attitudes were a little disturbing would be an understatement but I guess every business has a need for an axeman but I would like to think one of my colleagues had the right idea of "I always give them a time to change the situation with the known result stated plainly at the beginning." I agree with him that is a fair option where employees have a chance to correct the problem or decide they may not be cut out for the career they are currently in.

Hmm, I would like to think my scores are fairly balanced so maybe I not such a D afterall...

Thursday Thirteen 9/7/06

Thirteen Movies I Want to See Made

1. Lethal Terminator Weapon - Arnold, Mel, and the Dannys meet their fate when a lame script threatens to bring Hollywood to a bloody but satisfying end.

2. Heidi Meets Godzilla - Little nordic girl facing off against a giant Japanese lizard... oh the possibilities, the possibilities. I saw the short flick of Bambi vs. Godzilla and thought it was excellent but somehow I think a blonde haired girl that runs with sheep has a fighting chance.

3. Shaft 2006 - I'm thinking this will be about an IRS auditor who hunts down evil tax payers who took their dog as a deduction.

4. Okay, any movie with Reese Witherspoon, Jamie Lee Curtis and Renee Zellweger together as a carefree trio of fun loving women. They could be Country and Western singers who are being stalked by a crazed chainsaw carrying, pants wetting Ozzie.

5. Frog Bacon - a fun love story of Kermit and Ms. Piggy as a married couple living in Arkansas where weird marriages are encouraged. Amphibian and porcine sex scenes should be avoided though since my little brain can only take so much.

6. A Lifetime movie where the person with the terminal illness goes nuts and guns down Fabio look alikes at a Harlequin Convention.

7. Revenge of the Banjo Pickers - a group of out of work banjo pickers take revenge on the accordian players who replaced them at Billy Bob's Bistro.

8. Another Vacation movie - please, I need a reason to slice my wrists.

9. Mr. Fidel Goes to Washington - a sickly dictator tries to change the political scene in Washington only to get gunned down by a Homeland Security guard who claims Fidel's cigarette lighter was a weapon of mass destruction.

10. Guantanamo Gala - Depressed Al Quaida prisoners put on a musical revue to relieve the tedium of waiting for a trial with a curtain closing number at the end called "C.I.A. Cuties!"

11. Indivisible - an inspirational tale of a prime number that won't be divided.

12. Texas A&M Wins the National Championship! - Yeah, it would be a fantasy flick...

13. The Karrs - a wacky fun loving family that likes to pretend they are famous child murderers... oh wait, this one has been done.

Thoughts crossing my mind waiting in line at the grocery store

"Man, I wonder if he is going to drink all that beer by himself."

"Oh my, that is one sticky glob of kid there. Must be two or three suckers worth of stickiness on him. Hope he can get out of that basket. Probably take the chrome off he is so sticky."

"Man that guy looks miserable. Well no wonder, that lady hasn't stopped griping at him since the frozen food section. Wonder if it is hormonal."

"Hmm, they have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on sale which means I could feed a bad habit at an economic rate making me impending heart attack less expensive in the long run since it didn't cost me as much to get to the surgeon's table.... I'll think I'll take a bag. No, be good... be good... where is the fruit when you need it? It must be providence that there is no fruit in sight. I'll take the small bag."

"Now that is one ugly tattoo. Must have been a heck of a party before they started burning that one on."

"Ooooh, cleavage."

"Oh man, the lady checker I like is leaving and that snotty nosed kid with the oozing pimple is going to check me out. I wonder if that is the same pimple from last time. If it is, why doesn't he just pop it? You know, a quick squeeze, a huge squishy ploop and wallah, no ugly white oozing stuff. Wonder if he would be offended if I poked at it with my pen."

"Ooooh, that kid almost didn't make it out of the basket cause of all that stickiness. Wait, mom is giving him another sucker? Yikes, why would you add another layer of sugarized velcro onto the mess you already have? Look, the checker is trying not to gag. This might be fun."

"$45.92? Are you charging me by the ounce?"

"Lady, your sticky kid is reaching for me, lady.... watch the kid, watch the kid... eeeeeewwwwww, I hope this will come out of my shirt. Oh man, now my shirt is sticking to my skin. Probably have baby cooties now. Sheesh. Probably couldn've handled that better. Maybe I shouldn't have screamed when the kid touched me. I think mom just questioned my heritage. Time to pay pimple boy and leave... quickly..."

Tuesday Tidbits 9/5/06

Tuesday Tidbits are dedicated to the truth of current events (okay, sort of, as many of the quotations and facts are made up to keep the news entertaining).

International News

U.N. to Negotiate Release for Israeli Hostages

The U.N. has stepped up once again to play the role of peacemaker in the current Israeli/Rest of the Arab World conflict by vowing to negotiate a trade between Israel and Hezbollah. Kofi Annan has said he will appoint a negotiator later this week to bring the two warring factions to the peace table to discuss appropriate items to be traded for the release of the two Israeli soldiers.

"Will it be easy? No, because the Arab nations already have oil so we sure can't be trading oil for prisoners and Israel already has food, so we can't be trading food for prisoners...What's that? Israel wants the prisoners and wouldn't be trading prisoners for food? Are you sure about that? Really? Anyway, we will have to see what Hezbollah would like to have in exchange for the prisoners and of course, there will be a nice little negotiating fee for me and the members of my staff for getting this all put together. I don't know, maybe a few million here or there, chicken scratch really..."

"We don't see much reason to negotiate," said an Israeli source who asked not to be named. "We know what Hezbollah wants and we don't want to give it to them. So why don't you take your negotiators and go find some other nation to mess with. Now if you don't mind, we have a little negotiating of our own to do. Simon, have you tweaked those coordinates yet for our little Sept. 7th surprise?"

Negotiating seems to be going a little slow for the U.N. but a recent poll among the nations shows confidence is running at an all time high of 14% of the countries believing the U.N. will get it done. The fact these were the same 14% of the countries who attended the Syrian Cocktail Party is just a coincidence.

National News

White House Claims U.S. is Safer!

The U.S. is a safer place, White House spokespersons are saying as the number of terrorist attacks are noticibly down. "Just this last year we saw a significant decrease in the number of toothbrush attacks on airline pilots, deoderant bombs and toothpaste bombs were also at an all time low with the only significantly increase coming in halotosis attacks among airline passengers who ate garlic before boarding the plane. We are working on that situation night and day to make the skies safe again."

State News

Snake Population on the Increase in the State!

The Bureau of State Statistics has released the latest population figures for 2006 with a significant increase in reptilian populations being reported. When asked why the snake population has almost doubled in the past decade, Wildlife Management director, Bubba Bob Brunowski could only surmise,

"Well more kids are passing the bar exam these days which means more lawyers are on the streets, mating with other lawyers, producing more lawyers... and since we don't have a lawyer roundup yet, we can only see this disturbing trend getting worse."

Volunteer News

Local Chapter of the ACLU Hosts Barbecue!

Brian Boobikins, local president of the local chapter of the ACLU, has announced the first annual membership drive barbecue to be held downtown in Martyrs Park.

"We have found a need for the ACLU in Texas and are seeking to increase our membership to address key issues that keep popping up. Since our own local chapter has three members, we feel we will need to grow our membership at least 100% before we can make a difference in this area. We invite anyone who is interested to come on down Saturday for a little barbecue, some inspirational secular singing, followed by our first attempt at fundraising, an auction of non hispanic phallic shaped pinatas with pentagrams painted on them. We think these will sell well in this city of artistic patrons."

Anyone who would like to help in this endeavor is encouraged to seek out Brian Boobikins for more information. The ACLU will not be providing Kevlar vests for the event so all volunteers should bring their own.

Editorial

Time for a Serious Moment of Reflection

I am seldom serious in the Tidbits but today is a sad day as one of the most entertaining wild life hosts is dead. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, has been killed by a stingray while filming a show on the Great Barrier Reef. I for one will miss him, as most folks who enjoyed a good laugh will. His ridiculous antics of pulling poisonous snakes out of holes, wrestling crocodiles, or holding some lizard who is chomping on him while blood is pouring out of his wounds will be sorely missed, especially his "Blimey, he bit me!" catch phrase that would always bring out a chuckle or two.

Sadly, I thought he would go down in a mess of crocodiles or perhaps die of a head injury when his wife brained him with a baby croc for his constant patronizing banter of her animal capturing technique. Somehow the end coming from a stingray's barb through the heart seems anticlimatic but it is tragic nonetheless.

Steve Irwin, we will miss you on the airwaves and hope in your next great adventure you can wrestle a surly arch angel named Michael to the ground while telling us what to watch out for...right before we hear you shout, "Blimey..."

Movie Review

Sentinal Soars at Suspense

I caught the new release of The Sentinal on DVD yesterday and must say it was quite good. Your cast was A-1 and had a great story line to lead them in an excellent suspenseful tale of intrigue, possible presidential assissinations, and the ever present "can I trust you" issues found in a good drama. Of course I was in a major stupor from medication so it might not have been as good as I just said it was, but if you are feeling rather blah and need a good flick to pass the time, I would give this show a try. I give it 4 quills for having Michael, Keiffer, and Eva in the same movie.

Disclaimer: As usual, most of the hard fast facts here are made up so please quote at your own risk.

Labor Day Lament

So here it is Labor Day and I feel like I've been left out in the rain, runover by a truck, and then buried by some cat who thinks I look like I need burying. Labor Day should be a day about barbecues, playing frisbee golf, shooting targets or dove hunting, or even better, just hanging with friends and enjoying the day off from work.

Not me...sigh, I've brought home a truckload of work, rented a movie, and plan to take a long nap to see if I can't sleep off this funk. So in full lament mode, I offer the following...

I know it is Labor Day
A day for taking it easy
But I must confess my dismay
At finding myself a bit queasy.

I should be out having fun
Enjoying myself to the max
Maybe playing in the sun
And taking time to just relax.

But no, not me, I must fetch
Work to enjoy in my own home
So if I feel the urge to retch
I'm close to the ceramic throne.

Have a great Labor Day friends
May you enjoy it to the absurd
Cause today I know that I'll spend
Flipping this holiday the bird.

cheers

Pills Perpetuate the Phlu

Well sir, the ol' scar tissue is acting up again and I find myself feeling fairly miserable with pain so I get back on my meds that dull the nerves, kill the pain, and actually help me sleep deeper. Problem is they give you flu like symptoms the first day you take them which means my day today was spent feeling light headed, feverish, and generally blah.

So fun things to do during this funky time...

Work sudoku puzzles. You aren't sure you are correct but you have this ethereal sense of not really caring...

Talk to family members on the phone. Hopefully you didn't say anything to worry them like, "wow, wonder when that red giraffe laid the egg on my carpet?"

Discuss politics with obsessive and combative political groupies. You can totally get in some great lines about how you are pretty sure their party supported the proposal to make mandatory cross dressing a law in public schools.

You can sit next to the people who sell the Sunday newspapers at the intersection while holding a sign that says, "For a buck I'll tell you what the paper said, save you the time of having to read it."

Watch ice skating. For some reason it doesn't seem so silly when you are in a fevered state and actually it begins to makes sense on why people keep clamoring that it is a sport.

Smoke a cigar. Talk about the ultimate buzz...

Watch movies with the language set to French or German. You don't understand a thing they say but you do get a new perspective on how lacking the visual aspects of the film hurt the viewing experience.

You can blog. Your blog won't make much sense but hey, mine generally don't make much sense anyway but at least today I can blame the meds.

Have a great night. I'm off to find a cool wet rag.

A Lesson Learned From Life

My friend lies in a bed
With tubes a running wild
"A heart attack" so they said
An infarction not so mild.
He was out mowing the grass
Stopping for a nicotine fix
When a pain that would not pass
Warned his life was almost nix.
My friend has had his heart
Taken apart and mended
I'm sure he'll have to start
Living life as it was intended.
I know we should learn
From every set back in life
So bad decisions can be spurned
Avoiding the surgeon's knife.
So here is the lesson I know
We should take from this scary event
Your grass you should never mow
Because mowers are from Satan sent.
I have seen too many guys
Mowed down by that infernal machine
When they could've enjoyed blue skies
While fishing at their favorite stream.

Talk about your cheap thrills

After a week long conference in Houston I am ready to get back to normal life (I think) as I realize sometimes the greatest thrills we get in life are the small thrills, those unexpected thrills, the "oh wow, how great is that" thrills. So here are some of those that pop in my mind from the last few days.

Coming home to find someone missed you and was thrilled to see you again.

Finding and catching up with a friend at the conference. Finding out they are having tough times but are strong enough to make it through and resilient enough to not let life get them down.

Finding a quarter in the wash when you know you are pushing your luck to have enough quarters to feed the dryers.

Watching a UT game where the freshman quarterback is a kid from your town and watching him succeed.

Spending a morning with a friend playing frisbee golf and getting a chance to talk without phones ringing, interruptions, or obligations interfering.

Watching your first two professional baseball games at the ballpark. I've seen hockey, football, and basketball in the big venues, but never baseball. It was fun!

Watching a pitching legend pitch and seeing him work his magic on the mound.

Corndogs. Haven't had one in forever but had one yesterday. Yup, it was a good as I imagined.

A good joke told by a good friend. Sharing a laugh is probably one of the biggest thrills of life.

Walking into a terrible situation and being able to make it better.

Waking up to a nice gentle rain.

Welp, that's all I have for now. What are some of the simple pleasures/thrills you have enjoyed this past week?