Headlines that make me go "Huh..."

Yesterday the headline in our local paper was "Homicide Victim Found Dead in the Street." Huh.

So how else would you find a homicide victim?

Alive in the street?

Perhaps "slightly dead with a chance of wormbait by noon?"

It would be like reading in the New England Journal of Medicine that "Many phlegm splattered kids have runny noses." Really? I would've never guessed that.

Okay, this is the second time I've ranted about the headlines but really, doesn't someone read them before publishing them?

Happy Halloween!

I know everyone has probably picked out a costume by now and have great plans for tonight. Me, I will be at a carnival at one of the clubs, most likely not dressed up, but still, having a good time with the kids and staff.

What are your plans?

What are you going as?

What is you favorite all time costume?

Here is a list of my favorites...

Two friends of mine dressed up as dice and staggered around with empty bottles of booze - loaded dice.

After the 2000 election I put on a name tag with Chad and had a rope around my neck - hanging chad

Carving out a pumpkin and sticking your head in it from the bottom has always creeped out the kids... especially if the rest of your costume is the that of a scarecrow. I like to put a bullet hole in the forehead and have pumpkin guts dribbling out from it. Totally cool.

I thought about going as the World's Worst Mime tonight. Still might. Maybe not.

Will probably just go in my ordinary duds and tell the kids that this year I am dressed up as Mr. Procrastinator.

Anyhoo, hope you have a great Halloween!

It is time to address the underachieving criminal!

Well the report is out and it seems the safest city to live in if you are an American, is Brick, N.J., with a population of about 78k. Amherst, N.Y. and Mission Viejo follow on Brick's heels with the only Texas city making the safest list being #13, Round Rock.

The most dangerous city to live in is St. Louis, followed by Detroit and Flint Michigan. According to the FBI, these cities have experienced an increase of almost 20% in violent crimes. Hmm...

So what does that tell us? It tells us the criminal element in Brick, Amherst, and Mission Viejo are a bunch of underachieving morons who couldn't kidnap their own mother and hide her from themselves. On the other hand, we see the criminal element excelling in St. Louis, Detroit, and Flint because of an arguably better education system for criminals.

Do you think the folks of Brick, Amherst and Mission Viejo are thrilled they have criminals with such low expectations? I don't think so!

I'm wondering if anyone has thought to address this issue in the current campaigns going around the country. Come now, we as Americans expect perfection, even in our criminals, and to see such shoddy work in Brick or Amherst is a travesty. I, therefore, propose a new government program designed at giving disadvantaged, low achieving, low motivated criminals a step up in the criminal realm. I think you will see the simplicity in this idea.

1. Add a 1% tax to grocery items across the country. We won't hit the sin tax this time as the smokers and drinkers have already paid enough and are killing themselves at a terrible expense at this time.

2. We develop a new office in the Federal Government, the Office of Knowledgifying American Yahoos (OKAY). I would propose since this was my plan, I should be appointed as the first OKAY Secretary.

3. With an enormous budget, I will start to investigate ways to stimulate the criminal element to become more efficient and proficient in their occupations. I'm thinking I will have a pool of experts in the House and the Senate to draw from.

4. To globalize my plan, I am going to need some international studies as well so I propose to shift a good portion of my budget to a Swiss bank account so I can administer funding from Europe as I check into methodologies that have puzzled Interpol and the best police agencies in Europe.

5. Finally, I propose to set up offices in Rio, Barbados, and Hong Kong so I can gather the best information possible to create a base of highly trained criminals capable of passing on their skills to the underachievers class of hooligans in our society. Yes, I will need a bank account in everyone of these places as well to expedite the process.

We could plan on seeing some positive improvement in our cities by the year 2010... provided the government can find me.

I love me some Longhorns after a not so good weekend

It is early Monday morning and I have been fighting a weekend of sinus infection and earache. The regional training I hosted went well, although we lost several participants to sickness. It is that time of the year I guess.

One positive from this past weekend was watching the Texas Longhorns come back from being 21 points down and winning an exciting game with Texas Tech, 35-31. Four weeks in a row they have had to come from behind. Hmm, I'm okay with an occasional blowout, just to make it easier on the ol' Frustrated's heart.

I did get to spend some time with friends yesterday afternoon when they helped me move the last of my tools into a storage building. It was a nice way to spend a little bit of time with wonderful people before heading home to try and catch some more rest.

I am not looking forward to flying on Wednesday with a full infection still going on so I think I will see if I can get into my doctor this afternoon. Get a few drugs... knock this stuff on it's can, and then spend 10 days in Atlanta. Sounds like a plan to me.

Hope everyone out there has a great day and week.

Enough with the babbling...time to hit it a lick.

Well it is official, somebody figured Frustrated out...

I am heading to an Executive Leadership Program which covers ten days of analysis, team building, strengths recognition, planning, and providing the tools for the ol' Frustrated to get better at his task of leading people and a fairly large organization.

Part of the preparation includes taking a strengths assessment to identify your top five strengths. Welpers, here are mine...


Context
People strong in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.

Strategic
People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

Individualization
People strong in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

Input
People strong in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.

Belief
People strong in the Belief theme have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.

So sayeth the experts.

Sigh.

Tubby Ponders Frustrated

Tubby asked if I wrote all of this stuff or was there a team of writers who contributed. I fear Tubby, there is only me and that all of this comes out of one head. I do go in spurts now when it used to flow freely. Depending on the stressors at work or in my family, my time to write is limited. Luckily of late, I had some nights I couldn't sleep or wake up too early in the morning and can't get back to sleep so it is easy to type out a quick post.

Unfortunately I seldom edit or read my posts over and so the readers have to suffer through the grammatical and spelling errors. What a gracious lot you are!

I guess the writing I do in this blog takes me away from the mundane writing of reports, grants, and policies. Getting out among the kids is always a joy but even the administrative concerns can make that a challenge. So I guess through the writing I find my relief. It used to bother me if no one was reading it but these days I enjoy just putting it all down.

Perhaps I am cursed in another way too, I love to watch people, listen to their interactions and then write about them. If you take the fact my view is often skewed by humor then I am almost twisted. Oh well, I enjoy the curse and hope it lasts forever.

So yes Tubby, there is a Frustrated Writer who lives in the heart of a busy middle aged executive and hopefully will continue to live until his dying breath.

The Last Winner's Picture

Here is the last picture from the winners at the Thanksgiving Card contest. I think it is excellent work for a seven year old.

Strong Women

In recent discussions with a friend I made a rather rash statement that women divorced themselves from chivalry with ERA in the 70's. Not that it was a bad thing, I just think they threw out some basic manners when all of a sudden men were not to open a door for a lady or assist her in any way.

I could be wrong but the decade that followed of growls, snarls, and snippy comments produced a generation of fearful men who failed to pass on good etiquette to their sons. Maybe the new system is better but I fail to see how being a gentleman threatens the strength of a woman.

Realizing it is wrong to make a broad sweeping statement about any gender, I still want to put out a little something in poetic form...

So a ditty my friends, a ditty indeed.

I went to open her door
She met me with a growl
I stopped, a bit unsure
Until she gave me a nasty scowl.
"It's just a door," says I
But she is having none of it.
"No, it's man's way of getting by
With repressing women's wits!"
"We don't need your faux fancies
Of helping out ladies in distress
We are more than some Jim Dandies
Who can live beyond the dress."
I agreed but tried in vain
To explain my intentions
To save her from the pain
Of a swinging door dimension.
But alas, the woman strong
Succeeded to put me in my place
Despite the painful wrong
Of watching the door hit her in the face.

Thanksgiving Art

We send thank you cards to donors at Thanksgiving and let the kids compete for the right to be the picture on the front of the card. Here are three of the four winners...

Life's Cow Patty Blues

As requested by Beverly... A poem about all the sh%% that goes on in life. Not sure what is going on in her life but I do know that at sometime during our existence, we all have to wade through the vast sea of fecal matter we call life. It's not fun, it's no thrill, but when it's done, we'll be stronger still.

Now on to a rather stinky poem...

Sometimes I feel like I'm caught
Among a cosmic movement foul
And everything is for naught
Being dropped from Life's lower bowel.

Sometimes I land on top
And that seems almost divine
When I can breathe in the flop
From Life's cosmic bovine.

Sometimes the bottom's my place
And the view is rather dim
As the cow patty splatters my face
And my success seems rather slim.

But I remember that everyone
Will experience the bottom and top
What will matter is what they've done
No matter where they've been dropped.

So friend when life seems so foul
And you're the bottom of a cow patty plop
Let your friends hand you a towel
And help you come out on top.

Speaking from experience, it is our friends who do get us through the rough times. I can think of several who have been there during the good times and the stinky times and for them you thank the good Lord for such a blessing.

Halloween Carnival

Last night was the Halloween Carnival at a local facility that provides 24 hour care for folks who have some form of mental retardation. The booths were brightly decorated, many of the participants dressed up, and everyone was having a good time.

Some of the better costumes were;

A large farmer type woman in overalls searching for her dog, who happened to be squashed in the crack of her buttocks.

Ho' Cat. I don't think I need to explain this one.

A set of twins where one dressed up like a monkey, the other one was a banana.

A small child who came as Pegasus.

Another youngster who came as a cowboy, complete with horse, and who could swirl his hat in the air while leaping high with a "Yeehaw"

Yup, there was quite an array of characters but most importantly there was a lot of fun had by everyone involved. It was a night well spent.

My Tense Defense

I apologize for all of the poems of late, just in that kind of mood.

She said I seemed tense
I said I wasn't though
She pondered my defense
I wished it wasn't so.
He said I should relax
I said I was simply limp
His face denied those facts
I felt like such a simp.
They said I needed to chill
I said I'm cucumber cool
They could determine still
My denying made me a fool.
I wished my muscles pliable
I wished my brain to clear
But it seem my ol' reliables
Could not bring relief near.

Thursday Thirteen 10/26

Thirteen Comments I Heard While Getting My Hair Cut...

1. I'm gonna have my baby in six weeks. (cool, I'm gonna have a haircut in six minutes. I hope)

2. It's gonna be a big one. (the haircut or the child?)

3. All my babies are big. The first one was 8 pounds and 13 ounces and the next one was born early so she only weighed 7 pounds 15 ounces. (Hmm, if they were bass they would be wall hangers)

4. My babies are born with big heads. 15 inchers. (Oh please, don't go into any more detail... I really don't need to know)

5. My babies may be big, but nobody can put out big babies like my momma. (I bet your momma is proud you are sharing that information with customers)

6. I hope this one comes on time cause I think she just might be a 9 and half pounder! (Okay, excuse me, but I'm thinking if it is a really that size, we are going to be hearing you scream all the way over in Jones county)

7. Oh gosh, I think it is gonna rain. (generally the sound of raindrops on the front glass would indicate a strong possibility that yes, it just might rain)

8. Do you want me to layer the rest or just let it lay? (hmm, I asked for my usual and you have always layered it... so I think I will go with my usual which would be layered, no wouldn't it?)

9. You know, regular babies have 13 to 14 inch heads... (Okay, there is information I really didn't need)

10. I like the color of your shirt. Are you celebrating halloween? (You mean the burnt orange shirt with the UT tie to match?)

11. Oh I see the tie now, you are a Texas fan... (nothing gets past you)

12. Wonder what my baby is thinking right now (I almost said, "I bet the baby is thinking, 'egad, I'm never gonna get a word in edgewise...'")

13. You come back and see me in about 9 weeks after I had my baby. (Wouldn't miss it in the world... I just have to know how big the baby's head was.)

Forced Reading

I'm not one who has ever enjoyed forced reading of self-help books. I may be one of the few who totally hated reading Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People but loved Scott Adam's version, 7 Habits of Highly Defective People because I chose to read it.

Perhaps I hate the fact the "popular" self help, self awareness, and yes, self development genre produces buzz words you will have to learn to maintain some sense of savvy in the business world. Honestly, are they really that necessary? Let me pick one of these words out and let's do some hashing....

Paradigm. Oh yeah, the shifting of paradigms, the defining of paradigms, the realization of moving from one paradigm to another. So we all sat around, rolling this word around in our noggins while trying to figure out the best time we could release it to make ourselves to appear as an on the cutting edge individual who was armed, willing, and capable of conquering the moment at hand.

So our meetings took on the Coveyesque flavor and we heard statements like "as the business climate changes and our paradigms are being transformed, we must be systematically adaptable in our world views to empower ourselves with the tools to traverse these unchartered waters." Huh. My granddaddy would have said the exact same thing in an unpretentious manner by saying, "The wallow has dried up and we're gonna hafta move the pigs to where there is more water. I'm thinking if we take 'em through the pasture we'll have a lot less chance of losing any along the way. Now get your butts off the pick up and start moving them pigs."

Funny thing is I don't mind being forced to read literature. Loved Shakespeare, the British novels, the Classical literature of Greece, and even poetry. I may not have totally understood everything I read but I didn't mind being forced to try. Perhaps it is because the knowledge gained from such readings in the long run would only be used by me when I chose to use it and I never feared hearing someone quote The Republic during a boring strategic planning session.

Before you panic and start thinking, "Egad, ol' Frustrated is a hard head that can't be fixed" I will tell you that I have forced read a few books that I thought were worthy of my misery and find myself doing so now. While this is rare, I do appreciate the practical when it is shoved down my throat and will even apply it.

I still don't like the concept of forced reading. Sigh. I guess I'll just have to get use to the fact that the wallows are continually drying up and I'm going to hafta get off my butt and move my pigs if I want to survive. Double sigh.

Free Cat

I love the picture that is going around on the net that shows a sign that says, "Free Cat" with the arrow pointing at a dead cat on the road. I'm not thrilled a cat was runover, but I do think it is funny that someone chose the moment to be funny. In the midst of a stressful moment, a little laughter.

As stress builds around us, I can't help but wonder if we shouldn't be pulling out our signs and pointing at the obvious disaster and offer those passing by a "Free Cat." We can obsess on the bad things or find the humor in the whole situation. For instance;

When a factory I worked for was in the beginning stages of shutting down, the first wave of layoffs were conducted at the end of the graveyard shift. No warning, just a "Hey, meeting in the cafeteria at 6:40." So all of the unsuspecting souls assembled upstairs to receive their pink slip, hear the procedure of bumping back into jobs you once held that you would have seniority, and then the offer of the "Free Cat."

Our rotund manager stood in front of the crowd of muttering men and women and said, "I know you are hurting right now and you are angry. You need to vent and let us know how you are feeling and get those emotions out. So we are here for you. Let me introduce to you Ms. Imherebecausethemanagementistoocowardlytofaceyouthemselves who will listen to your concerns, your hurt, and walk you through the anger." A quick exit and all the upper management was off to have breakfast somewhere and this poor creature was left to the angry denison of wolves. Ah, a free cat if I ever saw one. We've put the screws to you but hey, let us know about it by bashing this sacrificial lamb...

I still smile when I think of that morning because if there is one thing about getting a free cat from the middle of the road is that you can sure whack the one who gave it to you with it constantly until there is no more cat to swing.

So today when the pressures get great, take a moment and find the free cat. I know I will. Hmm, that one looks like a calico...

A Matter of Respect

So a kid looks at me and says
"Why should I obey your rules?"
A fair question for the day
I think, as I sat upon my stool.
"Maybe because I sign your check
Or maybe because you agreed
To follow policy and specs
And help children succeed.
You may not remember, I suspect
The reason we are all here
It is really a matter of respect
For those in our influential sphere.
So that's why you obey the rules
And are constantly aware
That these kids aren't a bunch of fools
And know when we don't care."

Ramadan Blues

A holy month of fasting and prayer
Sharing the joys of life
Meant to remove any cares
From those suffering strife.

Eid al-Fitr brings a feast
To be shared by poor and rich
Cause Allah cares for the least
Hoping all find a joyous niche.

''Eid Mubarak'' is happily heard
Among the streets of Iraq
As terrorists fulfill the absurd
An celebrate with an attack.

"I bring to you Allah's joy
With a feast of goodies today.
Something for girls and boys
Oh look, I'll blow you all away!"

Carnage found in mangled bodies
Innocents dying on the streets
Should make them feel a bit naughty
Cause Allah's joys are truly sweet.

Maybe Muslims have forgotten
Why Ramadan was instituted
Hey! Stop treating people so rotten
And making the holy month polluted.

Allergies

The cold fronts that are moving through the area have brought on all the allergies. I don't normally suffer from allergies but when the cedars start popping and the broomweed decides to kick in too, I do have a time with them.

So taking the over the counter stuff that seems to help but still you feel like you are operating at less than 100%. Hopefully this will all end soon.

I do love the cold though, it is so nice to see the temps fall into the 40's.

Better go medicate again, I feel the sneezes building up again.

Oh, thanks to Dem and Mike who kept me up to date on the UT game. I missed out on the exciting ending until I had a chance to play the DVR later. Exciting finish.

Hope everyone's weekend is going well.

A Short Writing Excercise

Every now and again I just need to write a short story. This is one of those times...

Standing nude in front of the City Garden Club, I realized I had probably made a poor decision. Not that standing in front of the shocked ladies was all that poor of a decision, but the fact I let my buddy Jake talk me into drinking beers with a bump so early on a Saturday morning.

Oh it started innocently enough, Jake arriving at my door with a case under one arm and a fifth in his free hand. "The big game is about to start!" and with that we ordered pizza, iced down the beer, and found two shot glasses. Dressed in our team's colors, we shouted at the players, cussed the refs, and were having a great time when the teams disappeared from the screen and a balding middle aged man appeared on the screen and in his most polished voice said,

"Welcome to the 30th Annual Flower Show of the City Garden Club. We hope you will enjoy the next two hours of seeing some of the finest specimens of perennials and annuals grown here in the City. Now let's go to our host, Ms. Maggie Merlpearl, President of this year's City Garden Club."

Well Jake swore, threw a beer can at the screen and begin to describe some pretty disgusting things he would like to do to all the dear ladies of the City Garden Club and was about to throw the empty bottle at the screen when I tackled him.

"No you don't. I just got that HD screen and you ain't gonna ruint it with a bottle." Jake let the bottle slide from his hand and mumbled that we couldn't allow a sawed off, fat, balding guy and a bunch of old women take away the biggest game of the year. He thought we should go down and protest and as soon as he could find his keys that was exactly what we were gonna do.

"Jake, we can't be driving right now because we aren't fit to drive. Let's write a letter or something, maybe make a phone call." Jake swore again and grabbed the phone and called his wife, Emma. He hollered at her to come and get us and she hollered back she was in the middle of some Lifetime movie about some abused woman with cancer who finally got pregnant and was about to give birth to Siamese twins. I think the audible click on the other end meant Emma wasn't going to come after us. I called a cab.

We fell into that cab, told the driver where we needed to go. I think I caught a little nap because the next thing I knew I felt someone dragging me out of the backseat. Trying to get my wits about me, I felt myself being pushed towards the door of the regal building that housed the City Garden Club.

"Wait Jake, we don't even know what we are gonna say."

"We ain't saying nothing, we're gonna moon the camera, the ladies of the club and then we are gonna sing the fight song."

"I don't know Jake, sounds risky to me. Besides, I'm not sure I know all the words to the fight song...." About that time he pushed me inside the door, through the foyer, and down a side hall where we could see through the opened dual doors. Jake loosened his belt, unzipped his pants and asked me if I was ready. I followed suit and again complained that I thought I this was a bad idea.

Off we went, stumbling towards the cameras. Jake let go of me, screamed our favorite school cheer, dropped his drawers in front of the camera, pulled up his britches and was gone. Me, I didn't fair nearly as well. Nope. I was already stumbling when Jake let me go, my tee shirt caught on a boom and ripped right off of me which made me fall backwards. I had to let go of my pants to break my fall and somehow my pants just stayed behind and I kept going forward.

When I stood up, I realized I was buck naked. Some of the ladies screamed, one giggled, and before I could move a rent a cop had me down on the floor and was handcuffing my hands behind my back. I looked up to see the Simmons sisters, two old spinsters who ran the City Garden Club, giving me the once over.

"My Emily, I believe we should teach this young man a lesson and shove a prize winning rose up his butt."

"Oh Gladys, it is such a cute butt. Let's don't ruin it with a rose, maybe we should could use an Azeala." I think it was about that time I begged the officer to get me out of there before those two buzzards ruined me for life.

Yessir, a poor decision brings consequences. I don't even know who won the game.

Norman

(I've changed the name of the young man for obvious reasons) (I watched this young man at the club yesterday and to see someone who expected to be in trouble and expected to be punished severely made me watch him closely. He waited for his parents, opening doors for parents picking up their kids, smiling and being pleasant to everyone who came in and left. I can't help but wonder if he just needs a purpose or responsibility in his young life. So for Norman...)

Folks say you've been bad
And crossed over the line
How you make them sad
When you act up all the time.

You were lectured
You were berated
As they conjectured
About nerves you have grated.

But I think they may have failed
To see the kid inside
Whose spirit doesn't pale
Against constraining guides.

If they only knew
What battles you must fight
Then they'd understand you
And perhaps then they might

Relent from all the lecture
And see the inside the kid
Who needs no conjecture
On why he did what he did.

So Norman, here's the deal
You get another chance
Because there is just this feel
You're worth another glance.

Why? I have studied you
Taking note of all your traits
And seen more than a few
Slivers of potential great.

Call it what you will
Say I am off the pace
But I believe we should still
Give rowdy Norman grace.

Big Time in Abilene

Wow, watching your alma mater play football on national TV (especially since it is a small university and plays Division II ball) and to see them kick your rival's butt... oh baby, how sweet it is! We were #20 in the nation, beat the #4 team in the nation.... so we should be moving up. What a fun night it was! My mom and dad are in town and they watched the game (they seldom if ever watch football) and it was fun watching them get so tickled to see their alma mater on national TV and win. My dad's office is all WT alums, so he can't wait to get back. Just a fun night all the way around.

I know that this isn't much of a post, but hey, they seldom are.

Breached Walls

Some might think I'm scary
Some might think I'm cold
Some might think I'm wary
And some might think I'm bold.

But those who think me hard
And have seen my inner fears
Would say I'm just on guard
When I quickly shift the gears.

I'm not sure when it commenced
And I built walls around my heart
But I'm sure I was convinced
They'd kept me from coming apart.

I realize now the futility
Of such walls of emotional stone
They serve no real utility
Except to ensure I'd be alone.

To tear down those battered walls
And allow those I love inside
Has me fearful of them all
But I'm willing to finally try.

Thursday Thirteen 10/19/06

Thirteen Books Everyone Should Read

1. The Bible

2. The Koran

3. Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"

4. To Kill a Mockingbird

5. Idylls of the King

6. Merchant of Venice

7. The Giving Tree

8. A Prayer for Owen Meany

9. The Twelfth Angel

10. Gulliver's Travels/The Dead Baby Cookbook (Either one will give a taste of Swift's social satire)

11. The Chosen

12. A Bridge Too Far/The Longest Day

13. The Reluctant Messiah

Radiation Rag

Come on people get on your feet
We've got a happenin' happy beat
It comes from the Orient doncha know
Where all hip Koreans are startin' to glow

Put your hands together and clap with me
Wiggle those hips, skinny those knees
A mad man has the world all agog
And we're singing it first on Frustrated's blog.

Chorus:
A crazy man says the world's his bag
Gonna push the button, do the radiation rag.

Wish I had a gazillion dollars
I'd build me a weapon, make the whole world holler
But since I can't afford a case of diarhea
Gonna buy me a ticket to North Korea

Hey crazy man let's start this dance
Push that button and obliterate any chance
For this world to live beyond aut aut seven
Let's blow 'em all to hell, maybe into heaven.

Chorus:
A crazy man says the world's his bag
Gonna push the button, do the radiation rag.

Come on world, join along
Dance this dance, sing this song
Don't fear this rag's ominous tone
It's only flesh melting from the bone

So in the cold bleak aftermath
When no one's left to repay the gaff
May the madman's music continue to swell
As he plays for Satan down in hell.

Chorus:
A crazy man says the world's his bag
Gonna push the button, do the radiation rag.

White Gloved Dominatrix

I went to a funeral Monday
Led to a seat by a white gloved domatrix
Who didn't let me have my way
And ensured I wasn't up to any tricks.
Her badge said she was a deacon
Her look said she took no guff
And if trouble was what I was seekin'
She could deliver on the rough stuff.
I took my seat and waited
For the family to enter and sit
As the white gloved dominatrix berated
A rogue parishoner pitching a snit.
The altercation didn't last long
The badged enforcer was quick
To show the parishoner their wrongs
And proving their skull was thick.
The funeral was efficient in its progress
The speakers stayed with the program
Cause no one wanted to transgress
And experience a white gloved pogram.
I have never seen such power
In one dressed in their Sunday best
But that deaconess ruled the hour
And delivered on every test.
I think I have a world wide solution
That will our North Korean situation fix
We should skip all the rhetoric and resolutions
And air drop in the white gloved dominatrix.

Memories of Verlin Vaughn

My dad called to tell me Verlin Vaughn died; he was 73.

Verlin Vaughn was my first boss in a "city job." I had worked plowing, working pigs, working sheep, hauling hay, or any other job you find to do in the country but this was different. This job at a local steakhouse required you to wear dress pants, a white shirt, dress shoes, and to use a time clock... all of that so you could bus tables and wash dishes!

Verlin rarely smiled. My dad could get him to chuckle from time to time, but never an employee. I guess I did see him give one of those "oh please dear Lord, shoot me now as I am in the midst of pubescent idiots who are holding my livlihood in their grimy little paws" smiles of chagrin from time to time, but nothing genuine. Since he and my dad were friends, he really kept a close watch on my brothers and I utilizing the threat of "I don't think your dad will appreciate that sort of activity." It worked because we would always avoid having dad find out by conforming to Verlin's demands.

Under Verlin's watchful eye, I did experience so many firsts!

I received my first paycheck where taxes were taken out for the guv'ment.

I experienced my first staff meeting where I watched Sharon, a hostess who was well endowed, hold a glass of ice tea between her breasts so she could sip her tea through a straw while eating and never have to reach for her glass. It answered a lot of my "I wonder why she always has a date questions..."

I received my first french kiss at work. Cheryl nailed me between the swinging doors. Talk about being flummoxed. I almost bussed a table where people were still eating.

I watched my first fist fight among employees. Nothing worse than two sweaty cooks trying to pound each other while maintaining their footing on a wet floor.

I had my first lesson about hopes being crushed. The irresistible Cheryl, gorgeous french kissing creature that she was, informed me later she was just wanting to have some fun... nothing serious was intended. I probably had my first negative thoughts about women during this time too.

But most of all, I experienced the first taste of feeling free. My hard work produced my own money for me to purchase my first car, my own clothes (no more hand me downs!), and enabled me to take my girlfriends on dates. Life was pretty sweet.

I think all steakhouses in America today should pause for a few moments of silence today before they begin their slopping of those delictible cardiac crashing cuts of meat in honor of Verlin Vaughn.

So long Verlin, wherever you are. Oh, and now that you are gone and can't tell my dad on me, I want to confess that I was the one who knocked the time clock off the wall and broke it. Sharon was walking by at the time with this glass of iced tea...

Monday Morning Moanings...

I know this is such a contrast to the last post but it hit me while brushing the ol' teeth, this world is in a pickle and we have madmen stirring the brine. So things to fret about on Monday...

North Korea - where else can you find a megomaniac who gets off on challenging the world because his capability to destroy the masses is bigger than yours?

Sanctions against North Korea - Japanese are for it, Chinese ignore it, Russians abhor it, and the U.S. floors it.

Iraq - More violence, another 80 civilians dead. Yup, you've made your point when you keep killing yourself off.

American Elections - oh man, let the mud slinging begin.

T.O. is in the spotlight - will the madness never stop?

So how do we cope in a world gone mad?

We enjoy our friends. We have faith in a higher power (yes, that is the ol' 12 step nome de plume for GOD). We look to changing the world a little bit at a time with whatever talents we have been given. My sphere of influence may not be huge, but however large it is I can make a difference. We revel in successes of others. We find those quiet moments to spend with those we trust and just let our hair down.

And if that doesn't work...

We watch the Longhorns kick Baylor on DVR over and over again.
Amid the

A busy weekend it was

What a weekend!

Staff retreat on Saturday.

Moving most of the rest of my stuff on Saturday night.

Sunday brought a PS2 tournament for the kids at the club.

Late Sunday night brought total peace. Moments of just being able to let the world go away for awhile, perfect!

So another weekend gone, full of work related stuff but to end it peacefully makes the upcoming week not look so harsh. Onward and upward, right?

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things that Made Me Go "Huh..." Last Weekend...

1. Yeah, the zombie woman from the last post. Anybody who enjoy staring at people in the airport just to make them move...huh.

2. Little propellers stuck in the wall that turn when your people mover flies by them at the Denver airport.

3. My response to the little man with the funny accent who made sure I realized the tram at DFW wasn't driven by a person..."You know we are moving with no man?!?!?" Yeah, well, so is half the female population.

4. My conversation with an window attendant at Taco Bell in LaCrosse, WI. "Can I have some hot sauce?"
"Oh did you want hot sauce?"
"No, I just wondered if I could have some. I like to take it home and hoard it in case of an attack by the hot sauce sucking aliens from the planet Dave."
"What kind would you like?"
"Medium."
"Mild?"
"Sheesh, sure, mild." Huh...

5. A sign in Iowa that showed I-35 South going in both directions.

6. They don't broadcast Texas-OU games in Iowa. Go figure.

7. A man speaking to his son in front of a row of urinals in the airport in Minn. "Oh my, so many choices." Huh... they're urinals, guy, you don't win any prizes for picking the right one.

8. After an extremely rough landing at DFW, the flight attendant looks at one of the passengers and says, "We do that all the time." Really. You make a practice of bouncing the plane off the runway while trying to make a one point landing? Huh... anybody wanna guess what airline I won't be flying next time?

9. "So tell me, are you moving any illegal substances home?"
"Define "illegal."

10. "Are you getting tired Dad? Do you want me to drive?"
"No, I'm alright. Why do you ask?"
"You are taking up both lanes."
"Yeah, but there isn't anyone else on the highway but us. Just enjoying my freedom to drive where I want."
"Okay, but if you get any closer to the fences I'm gonna be able to pet cows." Huh.

11. "Mr. Frustrated, would you like to prepay for a gas fill up so you won't have to do it when you return the van?"
"How much?"
"Fifty Dollars."
"No thanks, I can fill it myself."
"But it will save you the trouble."
"Yes, but will it save my wallet? I think I can pump gas to save an extra $20 bucks."
"But it is part of our premium service package." Huh. When did "premium" become the linquistic equivilent of "gouging"?

12. The guy driving the H2 with a bumper sticker that said, "Save our planet. Drive green."

13. A friend who calls from Texas to ask me if I am watching the game. Hmm, I'm driving a rental in the middle of "Texas? We don't need no stinkin' Texas" Iowa... huh, what do you think? Luckily another friend called with updates of the game and another taped it for me. Hook 'em Horns!

The night of the staring dead

Late night Denver. The airport as become a seine for the passengers unloading from a swarm of planes, filtering out the lucky stiffs who have some place to go from the unlucky ones who get to sleep in the airport.

I'm one of the unlucky ones. Not one to miss out on opportunities, I walk through the museum pieces, read the history of aviation in Colorado, and browse some in the gated storefronts of dimly lit caves of retail. My body aches, my bones are tired, and my eyes have stopped trying to focus thirty minutes ago and I know in my heart, it is time to find a place to park the ol' carcus and try to catch some shut-eye.

I spot a place to the side of the ticket kiosks where other passengers have stretched out on the carpet and are utilizing their carry-on bags for pillows. Looking for an empty spot, I find a nice cubby hole underneath a sign and crawl under where sleep overtakes me and my body gives in to the desires for rest.

Somewhere in the night I feel the violation of eyes upon my body. Feeling a little creeped out, I barely open an eyelid to scan the room for the violators. It doesn't take long as I realize sitting across from me, less than three feet away, is a tanned blonde woman who is leaning forward, head in hands that are balanced on her knees, and staring at me. I make a cursory glance down my frame to make sure I wasn't revealing anything important (and yes, I had zipped up). When I was sure everything was in a good state, I open my eyes to stare into her eyes. Eyes that make you shiver if you have ever seen them before, and I have, the eyes of the staring dead.

Should I lean forward and give her a shake? Maybe use a hand to close the eyelids shut while I seek out a security guard? Perhaps I should roll over and pretend she wasn't there but those eyes... those dead stare eyes... how could you turn away from such a thing?

About the time I have decided to do something, the dead staring woman shifts in her seat. Does she look away? No! Does she speak? No! Does she do anything at all that would indicate there is even a soul inside her? No!

Yikes! I am definitely staring eye to dead eye with a zombie! Any moment I know she will be leaning over to take a bite out of me and making me into her zombie play mate so I must move now. Quickly I rolled to the other side of the sign, grab my bag, and hot foot it towards the Men's restroom where I dawdle washing my face, empty my body of unnecessary liquid, and then return to do battle with the death staring zombie.

To my surprise the zombie is no longer there. Now that I look about, neither are the other sleeping passengers. I look for suspicious signs of grease or blood on the floor and find none. Egad, these zombies are neat freaks! Looking up and down the corrider, I still find no sign of my fellow sleepers or of the zombie. Crawling underneath the sign once more, I catch a few more z's until I feel the eyes upon me again.

Sure enough, there she sits, in the same position, same lifeless eyes, and same stare. I know this is the moment of truth. Carefully I reach into my carry-on, feeling for something to use as a weapon. Ah, there it is, my Ipod! Grabbing it carefully, I start a long fluid motion to roll out from the sign and raising my Ipod I...

... leap to my feet and scream like a girl all the way down to the second floor. Luckily, zombie woman wasn't on my plane. Unfortunately I never saw the other passengers which could only mean there are now more zombies in Denver International. I would suggest you all fly around Denver...

New Digs, New Stuff

I am leaving the ceilingless, waterfall in my bathtub, and "what? you want us to repair that?" apartment for a much nicer townhouse complete with ceilings, working plumbing, and twice the space. I will post pics later, maybe.

I am also flying up to Wisconsin to get my son. Will have him home for awhile and the extra room is needed.

Now I just need to fly, rent a van, move him back, move into the new place, and get back to work... all by Monday. Yeah, it can be done.

Let me introduce you to my leetle frend...logic.

After a meeting with a state agency yesterday I left their office singing this song...

When I was young,
it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees,
well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.

But then they sent me away
to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world
where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say
or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name,
we'd like to feel you're acceptable,
respectable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am

So I'm sitting in the room and looking at their list of regulations. Hmm, I understand why some of them are in place but really, I don't understand why others are there. Afterall, they are in the protection business and seem bent on having us not protect those kids we serve. Maybe I'm too logical or perhaps just too simple to understand the thinking of the State. Or... it could be some things can't be defined by policies and procedures such as kindness, compassion, service, and caring for those who have a tough row to hoe. Logic would tell us if folks are out doing your job of protection, then maybe you might want to put your energies elsewhere. Oh wait, have I introduced you to my leetle frend, logic? No?

It's a crazy world out there.

Sigh. Just shoot me.

Tuesday Tidbits 10/03/06

In a world of mass confusion, no one can shovel it faster than the Tuesday Tidbits...

International News

Russia Gets Miffed At Georgia

Georgia has released four Russian officers accused of spying on the small southern state. The governor of Georgia, Sonny Perdue, was quick to defend the recent arrests by pointing out "them reds can't be trusted." According to local law enforcement officer, Slim Jim Taliker, the suspected spies were caught writing down information from one of the displays at the Coca Cola museum.

"I caught 'em red handed. Scribbling down classified documents to take back home so they can steal the last stand of 'Merican capitalism, Coca-Cola. We don't take to kindly to no industrial sabatoge in these here parts and I think hanging is too good for 'em."

Russian emissaries are quick to ask if the document was classified, then why is it part of a museum display? Governor Sonny Perdue responded with "That's just like a Ruskie, trying to cloud the situation with useless facts. We gonna let all go home anyways so quit yer bellyachin'."

National News

Florida Rep. Mark Foley Checks Into Recovery Facility

Former Florida Rep. Mark Foley has placed himself into a rehab unit to help him overcome his addiction to alcohol and young male pages. After his explicit emails and text messages to teenage male pages were discovered, Foley resigned his office and said he was seeking treatment.

"I know I need professional help that is why I am going to the best in the business. This facility will address both my alcoholism and my penchant for young teenage boys. I'll see you all in 30 days."

Sources close to Foley say he will be treated at the Michael Jackson Center for Misunderstood Friends until the end of October.

State News

Terrell Owens Cleared of Suicide Attempt

In a report filed by a doctor who suspiciously looked like Terrell Owens agent, all charges of a possible suicide have been dropped.

"It seems there was a minor mistake made by Mr. Owens as he took some pain pills, playfully called his friends to tell them he was depressed, and took some more pain pills. You just have to know T.O. He always playing around like that."

Sources close to Mr. Owens aren't so sure. An anonymous source admitted "T gets dangerously depressed if he ain't the center of attention and last week he only made the papers twice and radio talk shows only talked about him four times. That is like starving a baby to death..."

Terrell Owens appears to have recovered quite nicely from the incident.

Editorial

After some thought about the previous editiorial, I removed it. So maybe the editorial for today should be about thinking out editorials before writing them down. Hmm, that would require me to actually stop and ponder how folks might react to the editiorial and therefore actually care what they think...nah, I'll just erase them when I think they are inappopriate.

Movie Review

The third installment of XMen comes out today with three alternate endings. I haven't seen this flic but something tells me it will be a definite three to four quill production. I will report on it next week.

As always, the Tuesday Tidbits is full of non truths and nonessential facts... sort of like a real newspaper. Quote at your own risk. P.S. Yes, I do realize the Georgia that took the four Russian officers into custody and then released them was the nation of Georgia, not the state. (heavy eyeroll here) Which is why there is a disclaimer to this post...

Dancing From Rattlesnakes

I can dance! I can dance! Yuppers, I found out Friday night that I can move with a swift elegance that would make Gene Kelly green with envy if corpses could do such a thing. I know I've mentioned many times my lack of skill in the dancing arena. No rhythm, no grace, and no ability to stay in the moment have always hindered me. My high school drama teacher was determined though as he always made sure if there was a dancing part in a play, ol' Frustrated was going to be apart of it. I think they call that "comic relief" in the acting circles. Failure after failure have followed me until I finally declared myself "dance challenged" and slapped a little numbered blue tag on my chest that allowed me to park in the handicapped zones at dance halls.

Suddenly, in one swift moment of time, I received the dancing lesson of a life time that has finally brought everything my drama teacher was trying to teach me into clarity. No, I wasn't at a dance studio, or even following some DVD on how to learn to dance in eight easy lessons, but instead, I was on a Board Retreat.

I'd been out of town since Friday doing the ol' Board Retreat gig and everything was going well. The evening session had been sucessful with a lot of ground being covered, a new vision obtained, and the recommitment of the board to redefine its role. Everyone was pumped!

After our supper was finished, flip charts put away, and everyone was in the chillin' mode, one of the board members announced he was going to go on a walk. I asked if he would mind company and he said "no" and soon all of the participants, save one, were putting on sneakers and heading out the door. Our retreat took place at the Mo' Ranch, deep in the Texas Hill Country which provides a gorgeous view and a marvelous late night walking venue. Up and down hills we went, crossing the suspended bridge, and working our way down towards the river. Most of the paths were lit, but as you got closer to the water, the light faded and there you were, walking by moonlight.

My newest board member and myself were ahead of the rest and in a deep conversation about scouting, camping, and other assorted fun things to do when we heard the music. Ah, the music of an insistant angry buzz, providing an ispiration for dance. We both responded accordingly, feet moving deftly in a soft shoe that had us dancing away from the noise. We called up to another board member who had a flashlight and asked him to shine it towards our little music maker and sure enough, there was our little friend, all coiled up, buzzing ninety to nothing, totally upset we had crashed his party. Those who had cellphones with them took pictures of the little guy and those of us who didn't, kept dancing away at a respectible distance.

Soon we headed back, deciding to continue to walk towards the river might not be a great idea after all with only one flashlight in tow. It occurs to me later we must have stepped right over the snake. I have no idea why it didn't strike but I do know it wasn't a smart snake because when we returned in the morning, Mr. Rattlesnake was sufficiently squashed into the pavement.

I would have to say this was one of the more invigorating walks I can remember. Admittedly I have no rhythm or grace in me but on this walk I felt like Fred Astaire dancing away from that snake. Maybe that is the key to good dancing... a well placed snake on the dancing floor to keep people gracious in their movement, quick in their response, and totally jazzed in the experience. If only Mr. Killingsworth had known about such a technique... I might have been a heck of a dancer.