Monday Moodiness

What a day. Started off okay with only a few bumps in the road. Turned into a bad day around 8:15, a horrible day by 9, and lucky for me, a horrendous day by 2:30. Luckily, it couldn't get any worse so the rest of the day sort of leveled out somewhere between horrendous and horrible.

Tonight, however, was much better. I have great hope for Tuesday.

Mondays should be banned.

Okay, the whining is over, the moodiness gone. I'm better now...

Tuesday Tidbits 08/01/06

International Scene

Israel Says It Will Stop Bombing... Soon...Really...

Lebonese are celebrating at the latest news out of Tel Aviv where PM Sharon has promised to end the bombing of Lebanon cities sometime in the near future.

"I'm not saying it will be tomorrow or even next week. I am saying it will be sometime in the future. Now please excuse me, I have another barrage to send..."

Secratary of State, Condi Rice, sees this statement as a reason to have hope for a new Middle East. "Look, the man said the bombings would stop. What else do you want? A definitive date? Oh come on, you people are just never happy with anything we come up with..."

National Scene

Study Shows Sexually Active Septagenarians Susceptible to Strokes

Okay, this story just has "eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww" written all over it.

State Scene

Counties Falling Into "Red Flag" Status

As humidity drops and winds pick up, several counties around the state are falling quickly into a "Red Flag" status which means the fire danger is extreme. Volunteer Fireman Fred Fernstein explained, "RF status means almost anything you can imagine could start a grass fire and with the high winds, would likely burn for days. Now a Magenta Flag is the only level higher because it has gale force winds which means you might not burn for days because the MF conditions will have burned down the whole state by then. Yup, we are sure hoping we don't run into any MFers..."

Ditto.

Volunteering Opportunities

Alpha Chi Plans Third Annual Calf Fries Festival

It is that time of year again when the smell of young bullock's testicles frying in rancid oil fills the air. That's right, it is the 3rd Annual Alpha Chi Calf Fries Festival and Alpha Chi president, Stewie Lewis invites everyone to come out and sample the goods.

"We feel this could be the year we actually break even since our crowds have grown substantially over the first two years. The first year we had a total of six people but last year after the word got out that calf fries are really kinda tasty, our crowd grew 300%!"

Volunteers are needed to skin the testicles and to cut them into halves so they are much easier to eat. Lewis was quick to remind everyone that the testicles are skinned and cut while frozen so as not to gross out the volunteers. Everyone who volunteers is encouraged to bring their own knife and to smoke a couple of joints before they start. "We find it settles the volunteers down and helps them keep on task if they can smoke a few Maui Wowies..."

Lewis also reminds the public this is an AYCE event for the low price of $10. All proceeds go to the local Human Society.

Editorial

Does Energy Conservation Make One Cheap?

During the summer there are a few stalwart citizens who are willing to step up to the plate to take a little heat for the rest of mankind. These brave souls set their thermostats on 85 and turn their fans on to keep energy costs low. Along with a lower drain on the power grid, other benefits are quickly realizes such as small electrical bills, healthier houseplants, and cleaner pores. Are there set backs for these brave souls? Yes, but in the end the savings are worth it. I encourage everyone to join the ranks of the energy conservationists and help ease the addiction of a power sucking society.

To help you on your journey, I offer the following "Beat the Heat" hints;

• Keep your thermostat at 85. Remember that other members of your household may whine a little bit about the heat and could even possibly fake heat stroke or heat exhaustion. Stand firm and toss a rag soaked in cool water on their face. They'll get over it.
• Soak in a tub of cold water. Yes the water warms up fairly quickly but the evaporation of water is expotentially greater when pruney wrinkles are available causing a higher rate of evaporation causing your body to cool down.
• Find reasons to visit your energy hogging neighbors. Borrow a cup of sugar.... one teaspoon at a time.
• Pretend you are interested in purchasing a house and sit in the cool office of your realtor, spending hours on end browsing through the listing books.
• Go to Wally World and shop. Don't buy anything, just wander around and enjoy their air conditioner.
• Become a nudist

Yes these suggestions might require some sacrifice on your part but in the end you have conserved energy. The victory is all yours!

Movie Review

Prairie Home Companion a Winner!

For all of you NPR fans who listen in to hear Garrison Keillor and the gang sing great songs, provide excellent comedy, and to listen to fantastic instrumentals, you will find this movie a true gem. Meryll Streep and Lily Tomlin are fantastic but the two cowboys are so funny you can't wait to see them reappear on screen. A stellar cast, a great performance, and a fun time to be had by all makes this film worthy of five quills.

Disclaimer: As always, any information found in the Tidbits are suspect at best. Use with caution. The Tidbits have also been found to have cause complications during pregnancy. All women who are pregnant are encouraged to consult their doctor before reading the Tidbits. All men who are pregnant are encouraged to call the editor of the Tuesday Tidbits immediately as we always need writing material...

Observations of a Tweener

In our little town he was known as G.I. Joe. A tall rawbone man complete with jutted jaw and determined eyes who walked around our town dressed in army fatigues and jungle boots. His gaze never wavered as he appeared to be oblivious to any life that was going on around him. You knew exactly where he lived as he would constantly step out onto his back porch and fire a shotgun into his trees to keep the birds away.

Birds. Now there was the one thing he always noticed and seemed concerned about, birds. Whatever went on through his mind, it was obvious the birds warrented a special concern in his heart as the whistle of a cardinal, the squawk of a grackle, or the mocking tune of a mockingbird would get his immediate attention, causing a slight hesitation in his gait, followed by a pick up in his pace.

He seemed harmless enough but you never quite knew if you should be concerned about him or just let him wander your streets without provacation. There were children to be concerned about and several suggested he should be submitted to Big Spring for psychiatric testing but most of us thought the tortured world he lived in was most likely a big enough foe for him to conquer without worrying about his turning his attention on us. We were right as he soon faded from the local scene into a hospice bed where he died from cancer.

Nothing like a good obituary to enlighten folks and on the day of his passing we found out that G.I. Joe was a war hero from Vietnam. He had completed three tours where he had flown helicopters and was the first helicopter pilot to ever capture the enemy on the ground. His list of citations and awards was mind boggling and suddenly you had a tiny glimpse of what this man must have seen in his time over there. I can only imagine the nightmares that haunted him and I'm sure the sounds of battle, the smell of death, and the screams of wounded soldiers and civilians must have greeted him every night as he entered into the realm of morpheus.

I'm a Tweener, growing up between the conflicts of my country and therefore have never experienced the horrors of war first hand. 'Nam was over three years before I graduated and Desert Storm was starting five years after my registration for military service had expired. I've been fortunate enough to had some in depth discussions with soldiers from both sides of my Tweeness and I admire their sacrifice and sense of duty, applaud their time of service, and pray they are free from haunting memories created by the machinations of mankind at its worst.

I do catch my self wondering how many "G.I. Joes" will be returning from Iraq, Afghanistan, or other soon to be announced places. What battles will they face nightly as the darkness falls and their minds begin to leak unwanted memories into their dreams. How will they cope with their own private hell? Who will be around to catch them should they fall between the cracks of sanity and reality?

In a fast paced selfish society as ours, I fear such folks will be left marching around small towns, shooting at birds from their back porches, or abandoned to fend for themselves against the unseen foes that hover above them. Perhaps we will do better this time and see the opportunity to help those who weren't so fortunate as to be a Tweener.

Landis Lament

How quickly this past week has flown
From victory to suspicious rumor
A cheering nation he once had known
Is now grumbling with ill humor.
Oh Landis, our Landis, how we groan
When we see your potential to fail
Those pesty tests for testosterone
As our American dream is shot to hell.
We do hope there is nothing to it
That the test was quite erroneous
Because if its true, we'll have to admit
Your heroics were quite felonious.
I for one will stand behind you
And believe it is a jeolous French lie
But if you should fail test number two
Then may you eat bike and die.

Let them toss pies!

Today is the end of the summer sessions for our clubs and we are celebrating by having a cookout at a local park, complete with fun games that have been knighted as the Summer Olympics. Part of the excitement this week has been the announcement of a raffle where every child who participates is given a ticket. The winners will get to pick the staff of their choice and toss a pie into their face.

I am a little nervous about this as I have had one child come and inspect my face fairly regularly, smiling at thought of smearing it with a cream pie. I can only hope she doesn't win... although I don't think she is alone in the category of "Who wants to put a pie in Mr. Frustrated's face?"

Welp, off to get ready. Will let you know if I am the "great sticky one" after the Olympics.

Limited posting for a few days

My pop is in town. Limited posts for a few days. Have a great weekend...

Hats off to the Hon' Meister

There is a checker at the local HEB who always makes me smile. She is a rather large AA who greets each customer with a constant barrage of chatter that just brings warmth to your soul.

"Good mornin' hon. Let's see what you've got here. Oh, those are nice cherries, aren't they? Juicy lookin' from here and hon, you've got $5.10 worth of them. Now don't eat them all in one sittin' cause they will mess you up!"

"My, my, this is a blessed day, isn't hon. Let's see, we've got milk, some dryer sheets, mmm, mmm, those are some fine smellin' rascals. That'll be $4.69. You givin' me a ten and I'm givin you change of $5.31."

"Mornin' hon. Watch your coffee, we don't want that all over these nice avocados, now do we? You want to write your check for $20 over? Oh honey, that's fine, everybody needs a little walkin' aroun' money. Here's your change and you have a blessed day."

I never tire of listening to her chatter and think it makes the whole grocery shopping experience fun. I'm sure she doesn't announce every item because there isn't a mean bone in her body (or at least I don't think there is) but I would think she is the type who would scan a box of profalctics and look over her glasses at you and give you a simple "uh huh..." and maybe even wonder aloud, "Does your momma know you're buying these?" Somehow I think those kids probably don't get the perfunctionary "Have a blessed day" as that would only be encouraging them, wouldn't it?

So I tip my hat to this checker. She makes those early morning shopping trips a delight and kicks my day off with a smile. I hope she has a blessed day...

Tuesday Tidbits 7/26/06

Tuesday Tidbits

"dedicated to the discovery of trivial, nay, totally useless facts that sometimes are true..."

International News

Hezbollah Complains of Israel Using Too Many Bombs

The leaders of Hezbollah issued a statement today decrying Israel's use of bombs in their conflict. "You don't think we have bombs? Oh we have bombs alright, but we choose to play nice and not use them, unlike the Jewish scum supported by the Great White Satan, America. They are testing our patience and should know we just might stop being nice people and begin using those bombs on Israelis. Then my friends, they will see the wrath of the Hezbollah!"

When asked about how they would deliver the bombs, since they have no airplanes, the leaders of Hezbollah replied, "We're talking about bombs here, not airplanes. Did anyone here even hear me mention airplanes? I think not. It is another ruse by the Great White Satan to confuse our words so those who hear us won't understand our great mighty power! Besides, we have just received a shipment of pink Yugos that make excellent bomb delivery vehicles and being they are so small, they are hardly even noticable. You will feel the hot burning lashes of Allah's whip across your backsides and you will whimper as you run away like the dogs that you are!"

On a side note, Mary Kay Cosmetics is sueing the Hezbollah for copyright infringement of using their color of pink for their Yugos. "We are a quality company that endorses only the best for our customers and quite frankly, a bunch of Hezbollah maniacs driving pink Yugos does nothing for our image. Now excuse me, I have a bunny to go do some testing on..."

National News

John Kerry Claims, "If I Were President, There Would be no Fighting in the Mideast!"

Senator John Kerry stepped up to the microphone and denounced the Bush administration, blaming them for all of the fighting in the Mideast. Proclaiming his plans would have not promoted fighting but instead would have promoted peace, Senator Kerry revealed his plan for getting all parties to the table for negotiating a peace settlement.

"I would've invited them all over to the house in Paris for a nice meal. My cook there can whip up the best ham and potatos dish ever! We could drink a little wine, have a little pork, maybe even do a catfish fry that evening before we all sat down together and talked this little problem out. It's not like this fighting has been going on for any length of time. We can still nip it in the bud before it becomes something bigger than a little spat between Israel and the Hezbollah."

State News

Texas Puts in Bid for Next Winter Olympics

Revealing their plan for bringing big bucks to the Lone Star State, Governor Rick Perry announced the State of Texas would actively pursue the bid for the 2013 Winter Olympic Games. "We feel this would be a great fit, Texas hospitality with all of those foreigners bringing in cash to spend here. Now they should know up front, after the games, they really do need to leave. We've got enough squatters already in this state that don't speak no English and we don't need no more of them funny sounding folks sticking around confusing the rest of us."

Jose Enrique, president of Isolating Dumb Inconsenquential Officials of Texas! (IDIOT!), is protesting the new campaign for several reasons; "We don't have enough snow in this State to hold a Winter Olympics, we don't have mountains in the areas that do get snow, and most importantly, there isn't a 2013 Winter Olympics!"

Governor Perry was quick to denounce the negative vibes he felt from Enrique's campaign. "It is small thinkers like that Jose fella who keep Texas from being a bigger State than it already is."

The IOCC is expected to make a ruling on the bid as soon as they can stop laughing...

Editorial

Time to Face the Music

As the jury debates the fate of Andrea Yates I have to wonder if maybe it is time for the ol' gal to face the music and take responsibility for her actions. Bottom line; she chased down her five kids and drowned them in the bathtub. Is she crazy? Most likely. Was she insane? Definitely. Should she get the needle for her actions? I don't think so, but I do believe she should never have the opportunity to ever breath air as a free woman.

Mental illness is an issue we can agree deserves a special provision within the penal system. Getting a person help is another area where we can agree a person who needs such help, deserves such help. However, when that person has murdered five innocent children, they don't deserve freedom but should get five life sentences, no parole, in a facility that can help her with her mental problems.

Yes, I think it is time for Ms. Yates to face the music and baby, the tune sounds like a dirge, played over the soon to be deceased, your freedom.

Movie Review

The Floyd Landis Show is Superb!

Okay, I didn't watch any movies worthy of reviewing as I was watching the Tour de France. While this isn't a movie, it did have great drama, a fantastic story line, and a happy ending. How could you not like the main character, played by Mr. Landis himself, as he battles back from a crash, 8 minutes behind the leader, and then obtains victory by riding one of the most amazing races ever through the alps?

I would give this potential movie five quills... make that five quills dressed in yellow jerseys.

Disclaimer: As always, there is very little factual information to be found in the Tuesday Tidbits. Use at your own risk.

Crazy World Blues

In honor of all the "news networks" coverage of recent events.

The Crazy World Blues

I woke up this mornin'
Turn on my TV set
Newsman a warnin'
"They ain't killed each other yet!"

Chorus;
Seems like the world is crazy, baby
Crazier than a wacked out loon
The world is going crazy baby
It seems to be run by buffoons.

They see smoke on the horizon
and bombs fallin like rain
Terrified citizens are cryin'
And the newsman loves the pain

Seems like the world is crazy, baby
Crazier than a loon on crack
The world is going crazy baby
Don't think sanity is comin' back.

Hezbollah gots the soldiers
Israel wants them back
The embers of hatred smoulder
And now Israel is on the attack

Seems like the world is crazy, baby
Crazier than schitzophrenic loon
The world has gone crazy baby
We might all be gone by noon.

The news anchor is bubbling
The war is turning up the heat
Can't they feel how this is troublin'
For the man out on the street.

But this world has gone crazy, baby
Crazier than a constipated loon
The news thrives on craziness, baby
And hopes for destructive goons.

My day seems so dreary
The news is the saddest yet
It makes my heart so weary
So I'll turn off the TV set

And let the world just go crazy, baby
Crazier than a wacked out loon
I think I'll drop my britches baby
And show the world a full moon.

The Slaughter of the Yellowjackets

Took my oldest with me out to the potential farm house with a case of wasp spray and we commenced the slaughter of the yellowjackets. I respect most things in nature and realize wasps do serve a purpose in the whole scheme of things, I am just a believer they can serve far away from me.

Cans of spray in hand, we knocked down a thousand nests or so (okay, maybe not a thousand, but it sure seemed like it) and removed the homes of the little blighters. I also had a nest of barn swallows on the porch, another dispicable creature that I totally adore someplace else beside the porch, who flew off when we approached. I had seen the little ones last week and they were just feathering over so I didn't disturb the nest. Now they can fly and the nest comes down.

My oldest, who is a vegetarian, was pondering if there was perhaps a certain plant I could put around the house that would keep the wasps away. I thought about that last night and have decided there are ten basic principles when it comes to yellowjackets...

1. Some things just need killin' and yellowjackets are one of them.
2. In the scheme of receiving pain and giving pain, I would much rather give them pain.
3. I had a friend who died from multiple yellowjacket stings. Call this revenge.
4. Yellowjackets travel in gangs... gangs are bad. If they could wear colors, I think they would be proudly displaying them.
5. I'm pretty sure that yellowjackets work for Al Quaida so this is a Homeland Security issue
6. I've yet to see a yellowjacket sit down to eat bisquits and gravy. That alone makes them a bit suspicious in my book.
7. I remember getting stung four times once when I picked up my mountain bike only to find they had built a nest underneath the seat. Obviously they were trying to keep me from excercising, hoping that I would be dorment enough to bring on a heart attack and then they would have eliminated me from the planet. So this is purely a self defense issue.
8. Ever notice how yellowjackets like to float in the water at the pool, obviously gawking at half dressed humans with evil intentions in their decadent waspy minds... so I am eliminating potential predators.
9. Yellowjackets eat your fruit off of the trees making these killings a preservation of property issue.
10. I am pretty sure yellowjackets buzz out the "Boomer Sooner" song and as a true Texas Longhorn fan, I am therefore obligated to smash them flat.

There are probably another 10 good reasons to kill yellowjackets but I really only need one... I hate them with a passion.

Wonder if I can get wasp spray in a 55 gallon drum?

3 Cheers for Floyd Landis!

He did it! Give the ol' boy a big ol' cigar! Don't let him smoke it, can't cut down on his wind, but still let him enjoy his moment in the sun, he deserves it! What a fun Tour de France to watch this year. Plenty of drama and plenty of reasons to enjoy the skill of the riders.

Hope next year's is just as enjoyable.

I survived...

Well, let's say I wasn't totally slaughtered on the frisbee golf course today, I took the last place but was only one stroke worse than the 2nd to last player. Played a second round and improved by 18 strokes, so maybe there is hope.

A blast of a game complete with a lot of walking. This course is about 2 miles long so it is good excerise to boot. Welp, off to work on a report.

What was I thinking?

"So Mr. Frustrated. When are we going to go play Frisbee Golf?" Since I've never played before it has been fairly easy to join in the smack talk with my young directors and even challenge them to throw the ol' disc around. Who would've thought they actually would want to play?

"Uh, I'm free tomorrow morning. Let me buy you breakfast and we'll go play afterwards." All three are grinning like sharks who have happened upon a bleeding seal with short flippers.

"Sure, tomorrow morning. See you there."

Sigh. Off to the slaughter. I hope the young guns will have mercy on an old flintlock.

In Awe of Landis

I keep up with the Tour de France, mainly on Yahoo Sports and ESPN during most of the race but last night I was able to sit down and watch the 17th stage. Floyd Landis had crashed the day before, falling over 8 minutes behind the leader, Oscar Pereiro. Heading up the alps, Landis took off and avg. 24 mph up hill and left the competition in the dust. At the end of the race he was only 30 seconds behind Pereiro and 18 seconds out of second.

It is being called the greatest moment in the Tour de France modern history, which is quite a statement when you consider the competition of winners; Armstrong, LeMond, Meryck... I believe it is the greatest moment as this guy is riding with a dead hip and is facing major hip surgery after the Tour. He knows it is his last hope for a win in France's premiere event and to ride through all the pain and perform like he has is such an inspiration.

Perhaps the best thing about his performance is the way he conducted himself at the interviews. You can see the determination in his eyes, the fierceness of his desire as he vehemently states, "OK, yesterday I had a bad day and couldn't control it," Landis said. "But, one way or another, I was going to make whoever wins this Tour deserve it."

You have to love a competitor like that. I hope he wins for several reasons; he has spent his previous years helping Armstrong win and it is now his time and he has overcome huge obstacles too, the whole hip thing. Can't wait for the finish!

13 Things that Irritate Me Right Now

I read Amy's Thursday Thirteen every week and thought I would join the fun.

Thirteen Things about Frustrated Writer 1. Ungrateful rescued Americans from Beirut 2. An unairconditioned office 3. People who talk and talk and talk at meetings without saying anything 4. Staff who don't bother to ask. 5. Those unwanted, uninvited, unwelcomed hairs that suddenly appear in a matter of seconds in your ear. Totally gross. 6. Rap music. 7. A Reuben sandwich on "light rye". What the ...? Why not cut even more corners and serve a Reuben with raw cabbage instead of kraut. Same diff. 8. State legislators who don't have a clue on what they are doing when it comes to legislation dealing with children. 9. TO. I hope Dallas gets rid of him quickly. 10. Grackles. The birds from hell. 11. 24 hour days. Shouldn't there be an extra hour in there somewhere? 12. Gas prices. Sheesh, at least have a jar of vaseline available to your customers before you rape them. 13. Ebay. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Random thoughts on a Thursday

Just a few random thoughts and questions on a Thursday...

Organic Fertilizer - hmm, is there any other kind? You feed the animal, the animal processes the food, the leftovers are then delivered via cud chewing contented cows. Tell me how that becomes an non-organic process...

Polls - if they are polling people all the time, like they claim, how come no one has ever called me? Does my opinion not count? Or have I been blackballed by the polling police?

If reporters love to run through bomb riddled streets while telling us how dangerous and life threatening the situation but yet, they are there to bring to us, the viewer a sense of commitment in reporting the news despite being in the midst of danger, then why is everyone shocked when one of them is killed? You would think we all kind of expected it. After all, they swore it was a dangerous place...

Why do ceiling fan kits have blue, yellow and white wires when your standard house is built to the standards of white (common), black (hot), and green (ground) wires? Is it to make sure guys will actually read the instructions first or are they testing our ability to reason followed by our ability to swear vigorously in the dark?

If the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, then why does it take kids thirty minutes to walk fifteen feet to exit a building? Did the great mathmaticians factor in the "tactile siren" who beckons every child to touch every object on their way out?

Knowing what we know about women, can Victoria really keep anything secret?

Ever notice how farmer market vendors sell items that aren't grown in your area? Like pineapples or citrus items that are grown in tropical climates... Just how big are their farms?

I wonder if people realize that honking impatiently at a green light is interpreted by me as an invitation to sit still for a meditative moment to appreciate the light's brilliance?

Wouldn't it be really cool to change the color of our currency to purple or orange? Maybe even put social icons on them instead of dead presidents. Somehow I think an orange $20 bill with Dilbert on it would be much more fun to spend.

Why do dogs love to have water splashed at them as they try to catch it in their mouths but cats just get offended and leave?

So what do you think happened to Mickey Mouse's other fingers?

Why do I think there probably isn't a KSPCA (Korean Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) or a PETA chapter in Asia?

What would you have if strains of the Swine Flu mutated with strains of the Avian Flu? Flying Pig Flu?

Ever notice how many people it takes to hold the shovels in one place, so they don't scamper away, in a road crew?

So what questions or thoughts are meandering around in your mind today?

Laziness Reigns, I do the meme dance

I stole these memes off of Amy and Beth's blog. I know this is an easy way to post without thinking too much but somedays that is exactly what you need. Ahem... I give you the;

GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? bleu cheese.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Popeye's Fried Chicken (has to be spicy)
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Abuelo's.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 15-20%.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Steak, rare.
Name three foods you detest above all others. liver, liver, and yes, liver with lima beans.
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? General Tzo's chicken.
What are your pizza toppings of choice? anything besides anchovies. egad, fish on pizza? yikes!
What do you like to put on your toast? Blackberry jam or orange marmalade.
What is your favorite type of gum? Anything minty

TECH-OLOGY

Number of contacts in your cell phone? Personal phone 35, work phone 42.
Number of contacts in your email address book? Personal 36, work 271.
What is your wallpaper on your computer? At work it is a family reunion photo from about 10 years ago. At home it is a picture of Boston Commons in the Springtime.
What is your screensaver on your computer? Blank screen.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? Nope.
How many land line phones do you have in your house? None.
How many televisions are in your house? Two.
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? I use them all but probably the oven the least. What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Classic Rock and Roll, 100.7
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? Define "sex toys." Okay, I don't have any, sheesh.

BI-OLOGY

What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? Eyes.
Are you right handed or left handed? Oh a righty, for sure, although I am borderline ambidextrous.
Do you like your smile? yes.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Oh that pesty little appendix back in '93.
Would you like to? Hmm, never thought about it. No, I think I want to keep all of my parts.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Only after burrito night.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? taste.
When was the last time you had a cavity? In sixth grade. Baby tooth, it was pulled.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? Computers.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No, but I have come close.

MISC-OLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Sure. I think it would help me to budget.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Jim Bob.
How do you express your artistic side? I write.
What color do you think you look best in? Green.
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? Depends, who is my cell mate?
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Do flies or gnats count? I did swallow a band for braces once...
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? Considering some of my family is from Arkansas, this might have been a moot question but no, there is no one I would make a pass at!
How often do you go to church? Twice a week.
Have you ever saved someone’s life? Hmm, I have performed CPR but she died anyway so I guess that would be, "no".
Has someone ever saved yours? Yes, my divorce lawyer.

DARE-OLOGY
(For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.)

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Make it $250,000 and we'll talk.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Make it $250,000 and we'll talk. Yikes, not even for $250,000.
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? Oh, this is so "NO"
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? I am missing a part of my little finger anyway so maybe we should be negotiating a $100,000 settlement for partial removal...
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Not under this name I wouldn't.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? I don't think they have magazines with pictures of 46 year old pristine white never tanned men, so I'm thinking, "no".
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Sure, do it now for free so why not get some cash too?
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? No.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? Hmm, make it $250,000 and we'll talk.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Make it $250,000 and we'll talk.

Welp, I'm done here. Have a great day people.

Tuesday Tidbits 07/18/06

"Dedicated to the Discovery of Earth Shattering Trivial Facts"

International News

G8 Summit Agrees on Something

After a vigorous debate on the tact members of the G8 Summit should take with the Israel/Lebanon conflict, Putin and Bush did reach an agreement.

"I said we should leave the ladies at the hotel while we went out and had a little drinky, played a little Texas Hold 'Em, and smoke some of them Cuban cigars. Putin wanted to bring the wives, drink some of that vodka crap, and play a little spin the bottle. I reminded him that no one wants to see Frenchy naked and he agreed. Besides, no little sawed off Russian is going to beat me in Texas Hold 'Em. Bring them rubles to papa..."

Putin was quick to add an additional comment but since no one at this rag speaks Russian, we can only guess what he was saying. "I love vodka! I love Russian women on steroids! They remind me of my days in the Siberian Army, but I must have lots of vodka first!" At least that is what we think he said.

The French Prime Minister... oh heck, does anyone really care what he had to say?

The G8 Summit continues with no real resolutions in sight although Secretary of State Condy Rice has made tremendous progress in her sarcastic delivery of diatribe towards Democratic naysayers prompting Senator Joe Biden to whimper, "Women. You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. Hey that was a catchy little line and to think I just made that up..." (okay, for all of you younger readers, you might want to google Joe Biden and plagerism to understand that last line...)

National News

Congress to Consider Gassy Measure

Congressman Richard Gassy (I) has written and submitted a bill that could possibly affect American foreign policy.

"Basically the bill says we can't invade any more countries that might affect gas prices. If we feel the need to invade somewhere then we will have to consider only those nations who do not produce, refine, or use oil. Everytime we invade an oil producing country our gas prices go up at the pump and quite frankly I'm going to have vote myself another raise just to keep my Hummer full." Opponents of the bill are saying that severely limits invasion options for the U.S.

"This bill basically leaves the Sahara desert, the lower Congo, Antartica, Greenland, and one of those Z countries in Africa. What fun would any of those places be for our invading forces? We're talking nothing much more than taking land only fit for baboons and penguins. I don't see this bill making through the debate phase," countered Congresswoman Charlene Ruger (R).

"Did George come up with this bill? Sounds like a George bill to me. Last year he caused the hurricanes, yesterday a tsunami, and today he is trying to tell us where and who we can invade. I guarantee if we ask him if he thought up this bill we will deny it. Me thinks he doth protest too much. You like that quote? I just made it up," stated Sen. Joe Biden.

The bill should come up for debate at the end of the week and possibly for vote by November.

State News

What's in a Name?

The debate over whether gubanatorial candidates Carolyn "Grandma" Strayhorn and Richard "Kinky" Friedman can use their nicknames on the ballots for the November election has heated up with Strayhorn threatening to sue for the right of choosing her nome de plume. Kinky Friedman's own father was surprised to find out his son's name was Richard but said he thought people would figure out that the only Friedman on the ballot had to be the Kinky one.

When questioned about his opinion on the matter, a befuddled Governor Rick Perry queried, "Why all the talk about kinky grandmas? I've told you folks they never convicted my grandma and all those rumors were never proven."

Volunteering Corner

Bucket Brigade Volunteers Needed

As wildfires sweep across Texas the need for bucket brigade volunteers has increased. Local Volunteer Fire Department Captain, Joe Bob McCloskey, insists the lack of volunteers could threaten the ability of rural volunteer fire departments from containing the acre eating blazes.

"Well, since the State cut fire hoses from the budget last year, we have had to go to bucket brigades to fill the trucks. Now with them fancy smancy hello copters flying in to drop water on the fires, we have to fill them up to and there ain't enough folks or buckets to take care of both truck or copter."

Captain McCloskey says if you want to volunteer you should show up at the View Volunteer Fire Department Hot Dog Extravaganza tomorrow night and sign up. "All volunteers will need to bring their own weiners and wire hangers for the cook out and if they have an extra bucket hanging around, they might want to bring it too. We work under the principle of 'many hands make the work lighter'. I think that Senator Joe Biden guy said that."

Editorial

Let's Get Busy in the Middle East

The recent esculation of military conflict in the Middle East has brought to our attention that our old policies simply aren't working. It looks like the Israelis, Iranians, and Syrians are wanting to fight so bad they can't stand it. Maybe it is time we consider another option beside diplomacy. I think it is time to find a neutral site for the three countries to come together and duke it out. Last man standing wins and the losers go home after giving up their weapons and commiting to world wide service doing something profitable, like finding old land mines and removing them.

Looking at a world atlas, specifically the Middle East map, you will see a perfect neutral site sits right in the middle of all three countries... a little place called Iraq. We could bring the U.S. troops home, let the three countries go at it and blow each other to bits and while they are at it, take care of the Iraqi insurgents, and when it was over, we could go back in and mop up the mess.

I know there are flaws in this plan such as what will our Congress and Senate fuss about if there isn't any Middle East to worry about anymore but I think we can rely on them to come up with something a little closer to home to quarrel over. While we are at it, I think we should invite North Korea to the fight too, heaven knows they want some international attention. Let these guys get busy and take each other out. We could make it the World Cup of Military Action and turn this whole fiasco into a fundraiser by taking bets on which country is going to win.

It is time to let these folks do what they do best and for us to get out of the way. Let 'em fight. Let 'em whack each other. Let 'em turn all that sand into one big piece of glass. Don't worry, CNN, Fox, and MSBC will still find news to report and distort. Trust me and let the boys fight.

Movie Review

Kelly's Heroes

I watched this old classic this past weekend and was reminded why I liked it so much. A stellar cast of Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, Caroll O'Connor, and Donald Sutherland bring this WW2 vintage flick to life as they plot and plan on how to take 25 million dollars worth of gold bars from an Italian bank behind enemy lines. The story line is great, the characters fun, and the music is catchy.

This movie deserves all the quills as it reminds us there are still good movies to be made but until they make the screen, we have great classics such as this flick to fall back on.

Disclaimer: The Tuesday Tidbits denies any semblance of being a serious reporter of the news and mildy claims that some of the facts presented here are hardly accurate, quotable, or capable of documentation. Use at your own risk.

Of old farm houses and assorted other stuff

Finally had a chance to walk through the old farm house. It is bigger than it looks like from the outside with three bedrooms, a large living room, combination dining room/kitchen, a mud room, one bathroom, and one huge walk in closet for the whole house. It is going to need a lot of work with the roof needed immediate attention along with the kitchen and bathroom. Priority list coming up...

1. Fix Roof
2. Fix Kitchen Ceiling
3. Clean and bug bomb the whole house
4. Fix bathroom, especially the shower/bath
5. Replace flooring/I believe the original floor is hardwood, may strip down, restain and then use rugs... not sure yet.
6. Fix a fence around the porch areas to keep cows off the porch.
7. Kill yellowjackets.
8. Eliminate raccoons
9. Get barn cats
10. Replace three windows.

Should be able to move in before the list is completed but it looks like if the uncle approves the move, I should be able to start renovation immediately and be able to move in by the end of August. I am excited!

Other assorted stuff;

Obviously one of the risks of obliterating your blog and then bringing it back is that you lose some of your readers/buddies. So many of you have returned and it is great to catch up with everyone. Some have chosen not to return and that is cool too. I'm sure time has a lot to do with it too as I know my time is limited and I don't get to read as much as I would like to which brings a bit of a lament on my part.

The heat is getting tough around the ol' US of A and I'm thinking it is time we incorporate the nap into our daily schedules. A two hour hiatus in the heat of the day where you lay still underneath a fan and catch a few zzzzs until the worst of the sun has passed. My grandparents did this their whole lives and it seemed to work for them as they still put in twelve to fourteen hour days. Maybe there should be mandatory swimming pools in our offices too where one could take a dip if they needed a chance to cool off quick. Either way, it would make the hot summer days bearable.

Hope everyone is having a great summer. Keep out of the heat!

Hmm, let me tick everybody off

Traveling with club kids this weekend and watching them have a good time in Austin, I couldn't help but wonder what the future holds for them. They are bright, talented, and have tender hearts, eager to build their peers up and I have no doubt will make a marvelous contribution to this city when they are grown.

Then I listen to the radio, watch the tube, see humanity bent on anihilating their enemies and know that both sides have the capability to nuke each other. Israel definitely has the capability (over 1,000 known small warheads) and Iran is hedging on whether they have it or not. The sad part is you know they would love to use them on the other.

So somewhere between Lampasas and Goldwaite, I did some speculation on faith and the trust some folks have in God reaching down into their everyday life and manipulating it for their good. I wish I had such a faith because frankly I think he sits back and watches us. I do believe in intervention, but I also believe in free will, free choice, and the eagerness of some folks to do evil. That being said, my heart is saddened by the prospects of the Middle East. If God let's men be men, then there is a spot in this world where the rivers will run red with the blood of the innocent and the guilty. I guess I would point to Hiroshima and Nagasaki (sorry about the spellings) as my precident in this argument.

What to do, what to do. I guess I will take the tack of Habakkuk and wait patiently, hoping and trusting, knowing in the end there is a higher power in control of this universe. Like Hab., I am pretty sure when the blood starts flowing my knees will shake and my heart will be broken watching the human pain and suffering esculate with each retaliation.

Yup, I wish my faith was of the ilk where I could believe God would stop people from being people... but it isn't. Sigh, I think a long walk, meditation, prayer, and perhaps a cigar are in order for this one as I hope those very kids I ran with this weekend will have the chance to ponder such questions when they are old.

I've got my fingers crossed

I had a late night call last night from a friend who has recently had the opportunity to relight an old flame. Without a doubt this couple has gone through some struggles but I believe have kept a fondness for each other over the last years. Now that they are exploring the possibilities of getting back together I have to say I'm really happy for them. They are young and in love, but old enough to be cautious. I hope they both find happiness as they are really good people. I think even the good people deserve a little happiness now and then.

So how about them Rangers?

Evening Party

Just got back in from a fun evening party that substituted for a monthly Board Meeting. The food was great, the drinks cold, the people friendly. It occurred to me not all such gatherings are so congenial and there just might be those awkward moments when people are standing in a stilted pose wondering what the heck to say next... anything to get the conversation going. You are in luck because here are 10 guaranteed conversation starters.

1. Hey, wanna see my red speedo? (See Kevin, I do mention you in my blog...)
2. Wow, I thought you were going to have plastic surgery and fix that nose. What? You did?
3. This food sure looks good. Reminds me of the can of Whiskas Premium Fluffy and I shared last night.
4. Man, the sewer at my house has backed up into the house and you know it smells a lot like this salad here... and those raisins sort of look like...
5. Do you think this margarita will affect my lithium? I'm feeling a little manic...
6. Wow, today was all you can eat beans down at Stumpys. I tell you what, I got my $4.95 worth!
7. Is that a cat you have sitting on your couch? I hate cats. I like to rub 'em down with Vaseline and then watch them try to get themselves clean. Luckily, I saw some Vaseline in your medicine cabinet when I was using the facilities...
8. Hey gang, I brought my Twister game! Anyone up for a game of Strip Twister?
9. Guess what part of my body I'm missing...
10. So when are the party girls going to get here?

Yup, you can thank me later for these jewels. I suspect you can come up with a conversation starter or two on your own. I'll be waiting...

Car Fixed...Jeep Gone....sigh

Welp the good news is the car now has working brakes (an important element I might add) and I am back to driving around town in a compact car vs driving the Jeep. Somehow I feel... I don't know... inhibited. Sigh.

Other news to report... my friend's daughter was thrilled to find the Jeep was returned with a full tank of gas and had some serious plans for doing some moonlight cruisin' herself. Lucky stiff.
Oh well, she helped me on the car (someone has to pump the brakes while you bleed them) and is such a nice kid. She deserves some moonlight cruisin' time with her dad as he continues to teach her how to drive.

As much as I loved driving the Jeep, it still isn't my fantasy car. I would love to have a '68 Camero with a 327 engine. I know that wasn't the stock engine the car came with but it is my favorite engine out of the Chevy line. One of these days, baby, one of these days and I will find me one and start to restore it.

What is your dream car?

Ten Random Thoughts While Driving the Jeep

1. I wonder if I could run over that BMW...
2. Man, I bet these tires would squash a frog pretty flat...
3. Shades, cap, hair blowing in the wind... yeah, I'm stylin'
4. This sucker would be really cool with a twin .50 mounted on it...
5. I wonder if anyone would be upset if I decided to 4 wheel it across that park...
6. I really need one of these...
7. Wonder if you could attach a mowing deck to the back of this sucker...
8. Mountains... I need mountains!
9. Hey little man, I can look right down into your Pinto...
10. I wonder if he has ever taken this Jeep over any sweet jumps...

A Little Jeep Time

Having a bit of trouble getting brake parts in for my car, my most excellent friend suggested I leave the car on jacks until the parts come in and drive his Jeep, a CJ7. Hmm...okay! No top, wind whipping through your hair, the joy of the outdoors... makes me wish I didn't have work today. Talk about a road trip vehicle!

Maybe tonight I will go for a ride through the countryside, under a nearly full moon, cool air whipping by and the sound of frogs, grasshoppers, crickets, and cicadas providing a little music from ol' momma nature herself. It would definitely be worth the gas and money spent.

Yup, time to do some major chillin'!

Maybe those parts won't make it in before the weekend...

There is Hope

What a day today was. I woke up sick. Spent the day in an apartment with no air conditioning (my unit bit the dust today) so now I was sick and hot. I am really discouraged about the whole apartment scene. My ceiling is still missing in the bathroom and now I can look up and see the A-coil for the airconditioner.

But there is hope. I chatted with my best friend in the whole world and he told me of a country house, small, but livable. Needs some work but he is pretty sure the owner will let me stay there for free if I do the repairs. The owner doesn't want to do them and since his grandfather passed away doesn't have any desire to do anything with the house at all. I went by to look at it. It sits in 20 acres of sunflowers, has a shed in the back and is away from everybody. I am strangly attracted to it. Can't wait to see if this comes to pass. I don't mind doing repairs at all and if it means no rent, just money spent on materials... I'm game for that providing the repairs are within reason. The thought of being in the country without the sounds of sirens, horns, and squealing tires appeals to me.

Call me an optimist, but I am really excited about the possibility. Almost giddy.

Tuesday Tidbits

International News

140 Blown to Bits in India

Another Al Quiada suicied bomb attack occurred today in what used to be Bombay, India. Quick to claim the responsibility for the slaughter of the innocents, Al Queerahada, temporary spokesman for Al Quaida, proudly stated on a video,

"Once again we have taken violence to the Great White Satan in Baghdad. The Americans will learn to fear us and will leave our land when they realize they can't defeat us." When a fellow member brought it to his attention they had bombed Bombay, not Baghdad, a confused Al Queerhada looked again at an outdated atlas and swore to Allah. "Are you sure? I could've sworn we sent those guys to Baghdad."

When shown on a new atlas where the bombing took place and where Baghdad actually was, Al Queerhada exclaimed...."Oops."

National News

Bush Declares Geneva Convention Rules Will Be Observed

President Bush in a statement today explained why now the POWs from the war on terror will now be subject to the laws of the Geneva Convention.

"We thought everyone was wanting us to follow the rules of the Geneva Retention and who wants to retain a Geneva? Not us. Once somebody explained that it was the Geneva Convention then we said, "Hey, we're down with that." Besides, Dick only shot a lawyer so we are pretty sure we are still okay with the rest of the laws stated in that convention thingy."

State News

"Grandma" Strayhorn Serves Weiners for 4th of July Celebration

Stumping for the governor's office, gubanatorial candidate "Grandma" Strayhorn served hot dogs to locals in the town of Cisco, Tx. Taking time to discuss her platform, Ms. Strayhorn was adament in her desire to put a Weiner in Every Texan.

In a related story, "Grandma" Strayhorn popularity ratings have dropped 16 points over night...

Volunteer Opportunities

The Knights of Columbus Plan Octoberfest

The Knights of Columbus have announced their annual Octoberfest will be held in September this year. Kerry Johnston explained the switch to a September date was due to a discrepency with the sheriff's office last year on the beer license.

"They said we could serve beer on October 12th and because our festival was on the 13th, we asked they change the date and they refused. So we had to serve our guests communion all day long in silver chalices which hacked off Sheriff John McLoud because he thought we were still serving alcohol instead of administering the holy communion. I guess he didn't believe that hopps grew on a grapevine. So he said we would never be allowed to hold Octoberfest in October agains so we moved it up. If they screw us around again this year, communion will be held again on the day of the festival."

Cost to attend this year's festival is $20 for all the bratwurst and beer you can consume. In the event of another alcohol snafu, the cost will be $10 for all the bratwurst you can consume and a $10 tithe will be required for you to partake of all the holy communion you can consume too.

Editorial

The World Cup Should be Eliminated

I must say that I honestly tried to watch the World Cup but since the American squad made a quick exit, I lost interest fairly quickly. Come on, it is a slow boring game deserving of television coverage almost as much as the shopping network is deserving of coverage. Let's get real, it is time to retire the World Cup.

Look at the facts. What country owns the most television per capita? America. What country spends more money on senseless consumer items because of blatant marketing schemes convincing them to enjoy selfish consumption of useless products? America. Who do the networks want to reach? Why Americans, of course, so why in the heck are you showing European teams playing a slow silly game of soccer?

Trust me, if you replace the World Cup with a sport worthy of American attention, such as a Desperate Housewives Sports Challenge, you will sell more junk, get a larger viewing audience and a bunch of happy Americans. Pay attention world, it is all about appeasing Americans so take your silly little game and get off the airwaves. America is waiting for something more entertaining... like a poker tournament.

I know the rest of the world thinks soccer rocks but really, can the rest of the world spend money like America? Do they have a military the size of ours? Can they even squander aide like Americans can? Why they don't even have an inkling of how deep our self gratification goes so they really don't have any reason to hold such a silly tournament. I say if an American team isn't in the running, then it is a tournament not worth watching.

Am I wrong? I think not. Just how popular was the Tour de France in America before a guy named Greg LeMond took it by storm? It has maintained its popularity because Mr. Armstrong kicked the world's butt for seven years in a row. Maybe the soccer world should take note of that... as they lose ratings and revenues. It's all about the money, baby. All about the money.

Movie Review

Cars Speeds to a Checker Flag!

Went and saw Cars and have to say it was a great movie for the whole family. Larry the Cable Guy stole the show but with such stars as Holly Hunter, Owen Wilson, Paul Newman, and T0ny Shaloub providing the voices, you are guaranteed to have a great time watching this Pixar classic. I would give this movie five quills as it is worth a second look, possibly a third look. I know I will be adding it to my collection of DVDs when it comes out.

Okay there weren't any sex scenes or huge explosions, but still, it was a great flick. Trust me on this and go see it.


Disclaimer: The Tuesday Tidbits are a semi-factual account of the news. Quote them at your own risk.

So question me an answer, I'll answer you a question

One of the lesser known musicals ever to be produced was Lost Horizon (1973) starring Peter Finch. The movie was a remake of the 1937 film but with the added twist of the characters singing away happily. The film was a flop but there was a great song in it called Question Me an Answer, I'll Answer You a Question.

There are days where I totally agree with that philosophy. I have all the answers, just not sure I have all the questions or the right questions at that. As a public service I think I will just toss out a few of the answers and let you figure out the question. It's all good.

1. Howard Stern in pink tights.
2. Twice. Maybe thrice if the conditions were right.
3. Indecency with a deranged elephant.
4. Tail lights with salt on them.
5. Einstein doing meth while juggling theories.
6. 4 slightly irregular antelope.
7. A higher ratio of nuts to fruit contained within a vacuum.
8. Communist frog chunking.
9. P-38 with racing stripes.
10. They gargle with earthworms.

Okay, there you go, ten answers... you just have to figure out the ten questions they would answer.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I am in Amarillo this weekend to celebrate my mom's birthday. Kara and Cryss came along too and we had a fun trip up and are planning an eventful day of;

putting in a window unit for my mom's work room

taking in a shopping moment at Barnes and Nobles (when you don't have one in your city, you take advantage of them when you are in a city that is blessed...)

taking my mom out to her favorite spot to eat, Red Lobster

celebrating the big day with a bit of cake and perhaps ice cream (no candles... they have a burn ban going on up here)

just hanging and catching up with my parents.

Happy Birthday Mom! May you enjoy many, many, more.

A simple thank you

To say the last week has been a long hard week would be an understatement but the feeling of satisfaction one gets when the event is over and the people are happy is such a tremendous rush that you begin to convince yourself it was well worth the time and effort. Okay, I actually know it was worth the time and effort from all the smiling faces, happy kids, and pleased parents but yesterday evening as the bands are playing, it really hit home when a young boy (who happens to go to one of the clubs) walks up to me and smiles really big and says,

"Thank you."

I'm pretty sure he was sent over by his parents but he had such a sweet happy smile it doesn't really matter why he came, but that he did come and said those magic words. I knealt down in front of him, smiled, and asked him if he had been having fun. He nodded enthusiastically and then grinned ear to ear when I asked him if he had competed in the watermelon eating contest.

"It was good!" I would have guess that from all of the juice splattered on his shirt. I asked him if he wanted to come back next year and another vigorous headshake in the affirmative and off he ran back towards his parents.

Funny, it meant much more to hear a "thank you" from a child than from all of my peers. I know the hard work they all put into the event and how teamwork had made this happened, but still it was the smile and laughter of children which brought the deepest satisfaction at the end of the day and gives you the confidence to say,

"This was good."

Possible Meaningful Posts Coming

Now that the 18-21 hour days are behind me and everyone is moving back to sanity, I hope to post a couple of fun posts, maybe even thought provoking... nah, but I do hope to post something that makes it worth your while to read. Off to the park for final clean up. Should be fun. Ha!

A Fabulous Fourth

Welp, I survived it! I was tremendously blessed with a host of volunteers who made the day so much easier. We only had one altercation, but the police were right on it and squelched the hot blooded bubbas and sent them on their seperate ways.

The kids had a blast!

The families showed up, complete with grilling and picnicking gear.

The fireworks went off without a hitch.

The program ran on time.

No one died.

Success.

Saved at the last minute!

Luckily I had enough local celebrities come forward for the Mr. Sexy Legs contest and I won't have to bare mine! Whew! I will still post a pic, you know, pennance for all the teasing. Sigh.

Tuesday Tidbits July Fourth Edition

Tuesday Tidbits
7/4/06

The special 4th of July Issue

In honor of our country’s 230th birthday of declaring its independence, I thought I would take this opportunity for doing a Tuesday Tidbits, circa 1776.

International News

King George Declares a Tax on Just About Everything

In an effort to fund his expanding empire, the ever efficient King George declared more taxes would be administered around the world.

“We bloody conquered them so they can bloody well pay for their conquering. Do they think it comes free? No, conquering them cost money and last I looked, there weren’t any bloody pounds growing on trees, no were there? So tax the bloody ‘ell out of ‘em.”

When questioned why he would tax the colonies, which are made up of primarily British subjects, King “Tax “em Til They Bloody Well Scream” George replied, “If the fools are daft enough to leave the no tax zone of England and move over to the taxed territories, then they can’t bloody well complain, can they? Now excuse me, I have to go to the loo.”

One of the suspected taxes will be an increased tariff tax on tea, a move many consider a deal breaker with the colonies. King George emphatically stated as he bellowed from the chamber pot closet, “They should be happy we don’t tax them for the air they are breathing! Now where is the bloody chamber pot paper?”

“We didn’t get any sire as the taxes on chamber pot paper have gone up again this week.”

“You bloody sniveling little idiotic twit, we don’t tax ourselves, we tax everybody else! Now go and get me some paper now!” Already letters of discontent have been arriving from the colonies which is fortunate for the King, as he has used them for chamber business…

National News

Boston Bets Big Brew Brings Big Bang

Some local citizens are planning on a setting the new world’s record for the biggest brew of tea by tossing a few hundred bales of tea into the harbor. Billy Jim Bob Bohanan, formally of London, has decided it was time to send a message to King George by mixing up a batch of Old World tea.

“We can tolerate a bit of a tax on some items but not on tea. The sissy boy of England has crossed the line with this latest tax. Heaven knows it was bad enough when he taxed our tallow intake for making candles but you know we were okay. A few hours more in the dark with the missus wasn’t such a bad deal but it did bring about a few more Billy Jim Bob Jrs., but good grief…why did he mess around with our tea? Doesn’t he know the missus has to have her morning tea? If she doesn’t get it then the missus is a bit grumpy which means all those no tallow nights are pretty much a wash. You take away that and boy, you better be ready to rumble.”

His neighbor, Francis Butterman, seller of pink frilly shirts, has warned this display of defiance will cost the town on Boston. “Land thaketh. We don’t need any Britith brutth coming over here and beating uth about the earsth becauth that bully Billy Jim Bob Bohanan hath thet the tea into the harbor! My Tory boyth will tell on him, we will. Juth try it and thee if we won’t.”

Billy Jim Bob Bohanan has decided to make it into a fun event too. “We are asking everyone to dress up as a savage and join us down at the harbor. We will be making a statement about how savage King George is to us by taxing us to death!”

“Thavageth? Oh what an imbethile that Billy Jim Bob ith,” declared Francis Butterman. “I think he needth a thpanking.”

The tea party will start at dark thirty on Friday night.

Colony News

Thomas Jefferson met with a few of his buddies, Ben Franklin and Sam Adams as they have decided it was time to write the King a letter of protest.

“You know, we can only take so much taxation without representation so we thought we would fire off a letter to ol’ King George and let him know we are a bit put out and want him to stop pestering us with all these silly taxes. Why Ben is so upset he has taken up kite flying at night during thunderstorms. Sam has taken to drink and poor John Hancock is losing his eyesight over the whole matter. We have had to go to writing everything in large print for the man. So it is time to fire off the letter. I think we might even be bold enough to call it a Declaration of “leaving us the bloody well alone.”

The letter is under review and is expected to be signed when all the boys meet for drinks in Philadelphia later this month.

Volunteer News

The Order of Minutemen have posted notice of the first ever Concord Turkey Shoot coming up in the fall. Volunteers are needed to help shoot turkeys, especially those turkeys dressed up in red coats.

Paul Revere is looking for a few volunteers to signal the start of the Turkey Shoot who will be willing to hang a lantern or two from the bell tower of the old North Church. Anyone who is interested should contact Paul at his silver smithy. “We’re not talking kite science here. You just have to be able to light a lantern and hang it in the tower of the North Church. Now if you are afraid of heights or narrow stairs, you might want to volunteer for something else.”

Editorial

Should George Washington Lead the Colonial Army?

As tempers flare and it looks like we might be heading into an armed conflict with King George, it is obvious we may have picked a doozy of a leader to lead us. That would be doozy in a bad way… look at the track record for this toothless gumming general.

He has never won a battle.

He likes to hide in bleak places during the harshest winters.

The man is famous for standing up in boats, a practice that shows he isn’t too bright at those who stand up in boats often fall out of boats.

The man has a bad habit of chopping down cherry trees. Blast it! How can we make a good cherry pie if the idiot is chopping down every cherry tree in sight and apologizing for it later? Honesty does not a cherry pie make!

He wears frilly shirts and wigs with powder on them. Just what is in that powder that makes the man so bloody happy? Hmm, do we really need to say more?

Martha thinks he is a wimp and if his own wife thinks he is a wimp what will the soldiers think? I would refer you back to the whole wig and frilly shirt issue.

He is an underacheiver. Last we heard he only wanted to be on quarters and dollars. At least Ben is asking to be on the .50 piece and the 50 dollar bill. Maybe Ben should lead the troops.

I think it is time we consider someone else… somebody with a flair for fighting who can really swing a cutlass when you need him too. Now that Lighthorse Harry Lee fellow… a nice southern lad who has a penchant for fast horses, fast women, and blood letting. Has anyone thought about asking him to lead the troops? I thought not…


Play Review
Last week the Boston opera house opened with a new opera written by local composer Anthony Bennett. While the songs were okay the plot line was a little weak. The lead singer, Maggie May Mayfield, tends to go flat after sustaining a note longer than two beats and the dancers were horrendous in their wooden clogs and bulky skirts. There are times when the milk maidens should probably stick to milking and leave the opera to the professionals; at least then it wouldn’t sound like a hog killing in the fall.

I give this play a resounding cannon ball as it seems to fly for a moment only to explode into a million pieces, peppering the audience with the shrapnel of poor acting, despicable singing, and really sad dancing.

Disclaimer: As always the Tidbits have just a wee bit of truth in them and any facts (?) you quote from them will put your credibility at risk which is not covered by my liability insurance. Use at your own risk.

Raining on my parade

Thundershowers took the city by storm today (sorry, couldn't resist) and as I look anxiously at forecasts and predictions, I can't help but see the irony of having my first 4th of July major event being rained out. In fact it rather makes me giggle at the whole absurdity of the human condition... plotting, planning, penciling in dates, paving the way through the red tape... only to have much needed rain take all the prelim stuff down the proverbial gutter.

Oh well, let's see what the morrow brings. Hopefully fair weather, thousands of participants... and yeah, oodles of fun.

Off to patrol the park, making sure no one jacks with the banners or vendors. Such fun!

And so, the madness begins

Time to hit it folks. Lots to do... the tents are up, there are chairs, tables, flags, booths, games, and parking areas to set up. Need to pick up watermelons, prizes, game pieces, volunteers, drinks, flags, etc. So much to do, so little time. Hmm, wonder if I have time to get some coffee...

A great day

As I am looking towards two extremely busy days getting ready and pulling off the big event, I spent Sunday in total chill mode, totally relaxing, working at a leisurely pace, and being blessed with a moment or two of pure heavenly respite. I have to say, this day made me stinkin' happy.

Slowly building my links back

If I have left you off, don't worry, working on getting them back where they were. Have a great Saturday!

Sitting with a fellow fan

Last night I was sitting in the stands watching Michael play his second game in a series of five when one of the little girls from one of our clubs sat down next to me, eating a snow cone. We smiled at each other and I asked her how her day at the club went and she said it was a good day complete with field trips (which she didn't go on) and fun activities she enjoyed with her friends.

"So do you have a brother playing in this game?"

"No, I just like to watch."

"So you are a fan of baseball."

"No, I just like to watch people."

That struck me as an unusual statement from a nine year old but it makes me think she will be a great writer/artist/musician or just an excellent judge of character if she has already understood the importance of observing people and human nature.

We sat there together until the end of the game making small talk, commenting on the game and the people around us who were reacting to the play on the field. I realized as the game ended that I had sat with a fellow fan... a fan of people watching and it felt good to know this activity transcends all the issues that divide our population; age, race, sex, religoius belief, etc.

BTW, Michael hit a great shot in the last inning to bring two runners home and win the game. It is so fun watching him and his proud parents celebrate such a victory. Life is good.

Feeling a bit of a bastard, Frustrated contemplates war

Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out…and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel ... and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man" — with his mouth. ~ Mark Twain, What Is Man? (1906)

The events of the past week, nay, the past year or so, have lead me to do some contemplation on the idea of war. For a history nut, war is the part that makes it an exciting read, it brings out the best and the worst in people. It can almost be romantic at times as those with vision are required to obtain their dream through the rivers of blood from heroic soldiers who have gone to fight for the idea of freedom; whether it be freedom from oppression, taxation, starvation, regulation, extermination, etc.

In reality, however, we sometimes forget the art of war is based upon the ruthlessness of the conductor as they lead their band through the crescendos and decrescendos of the piece, creating a blend of thematic melodies in what they hope is their masterpiece. Rhetoric and political posturing aid in the selling of their muse as they convince their audience of their genius. So no wonder these conductors cringe when the "musicians" stand up and tell the audience what is really going on. Some of those speakers were blunt, crude, and vile in their exposition, but they were accuate.

Just a few quotes for you to sample, lest we forget what war is really about...

Nobody ever won a war by dying for his country, he won it by making the other bastard die for his. — George S. Patton

War is a continuation of politics by other means. — Karl von Clausewitz

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation. War is hell. — General William Tecumseh Sherman

I have to add the next quote from ol' Willy T. as it shows you the paradox of reality vs. politics when Generals deal with the subject of war...

I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened. — General William Tecumseh Sherman, 1864-07, letter to his wife, July 1864

And one more for all of you Mark Twain fans...

O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle-be Thou near them! With them, in spirit, we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it-for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen. The War Prayer, Mark Twain.

So is Frustrated anti-war? The cynicism in me says that as long as there are men, there will be evil. As long as there is evil, there will be power hungry predators who seek to devour the weak. As long as such predators exist, there will be a need to stop them (funny, this smacks a lot of Amos and Micah...) and to be complacent and do nothing to stop them is perhaps even a greater atrocity than to engage in conflict. Which brings us to the "equals" (=) part of the equation, there will always be war. If I had my way, we would settle these issues on the battle field with water balloons and squirtguns. The loser goes home wet and perhaps muddy, the winner gets to celebrate their victory by going out and buying a pizza. Again the cynic in me says, even this wouldn't work as both sides would work on a bigger water balloon or a better super soaker in order to vanquish their enemy.

Willy T. Sherman did have one thing right... War is hell.

Wanderlust has struck again

Maybe it is from all the stress of planning the biggest thing happening around the city for the 4th or maybe it is just a hankering for the road, but this morning I woke up with an overwhelming desire to gas up the car and head out. One of those "I want to be anywhere but here" modes and began to think of places I would like to go to on a Saturday. Maybe just run down towards Junction, driving backroads, stopping at overgrown cemeteries to walk around the gravestones, soaking up the history that is written on them.

Maybe a quick run to Uvalde to float the river.

Or perhaps a jaunt over to Fredericksburg to walk through shops, sample wine, eat good German food.

I don't know... anywhere but here.

So where will I go on this Saturday?

To work. Still have lots of planning to do for the 4th... but in my mind I think I will be cruising along the coast, the air heavy with the smell and feel of a salty gulf, and perhaps watch pelicans glide in for a landing or wish for a chance to drive through a passle of yapping sea gulls. If I can't get away physically, perhaps the mental drive will be enough.

Perhaps.